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I nod again. I think about anything other than what Clay and Lucca are talking about. I’ve lived with that loss Lucca speaks of since the day I woke up in Josh’s arms. I lost my squad. It was only Josh and me. It was hard knowing I wouldn’t see any of their faces again.
“Listen, I’ve got to check something out, but I’ll catch up with you before you leave.”
Lucca pats Clay’s back and walks toward the building. Clay sits back down beside me and takes my hand. The atmosphere around us is somber. All of my fallen soldiers have been on my mind lately, but sitting here now, it’s the only thing that I can think about.
“I need the bathroom. I’ll just head into the main building. It won’t have changed much since I was last here.” I stand up and steady myself.
“I’ll walk you over.” Amber stands from behind me. “I’ll look after her, boss.”
I didn’t even know she was here. She didn’t come in the cars with us. Is all of Shawland Security scattered around?
“Anything out of the ordinary and you reach us.” Clay holds his earpiece. “The only reason I’m not marching right along with your ass is because I trust Amber to take care of you.”
I roll my eyes and make my move before he changes his mind.
I’m glad to see Clay trusts Amber enough to let her come with me. I don’t want to go alone, but I also don’t need a male escort to relieve myself.
“How did you get here?” I ask Amber when we’re far enough away from my family.
“I’ve been here since early doors. I’ve been keeping an eye on things. Right now, Clay wants everyone on your watch.”
“He’s worse than my dad.”
Amber chuckles. “He loves you. And, from what I know, Clay doesn’t love easily. Everything he does is for a reason.”
Everyone keeps telling me that Clay doesn’t love easy, but I haven’t been brave enough to ask Clay what everyone means, because in the army he was there for us all. He was kind, caring, and even though he never said it out loud, he loved me with everything he had.
“I hate these fucking things!” I chastise my walking aids.
“You’re doing well. Don’t be harsh on yourself.”
I can tell Amber is one of the Shawlands now; she sounds just like them. Positive, positive, and even more positive.
We push through a double door and look around us. “Bathroom?” Amber asks the receptionist.
“Down the hall on the right.”
We take off in the direction we’re given. It’s weird because I’ve been here so many times, but right now, I feel like a stranger. I always expected to feel like that outside of the army, but so far, at Clay’s house, it feels normal. Here, on the other hand, feels like I’m in strange territory.
“I don’t care! Just make everything go according to plan! We don’t need any more bad press,” a voice booms from a semi-closed door to our left.
Amber and I pause for a moment, but she points for us to keep going. A small part of me wants to wait and hear what they’re talking about, but I know I can’t. I need to get out of here. Amber points to the door we’re looking for and we step through just as the door we passed bangs against the wall. Amber looks out, but I remain out of eyeshot. She shakes her head and joins me.
“God knows what that was all about. I’ll wait out here for you. Will you manage?”
I chuckle. “I think I can manage to pee.” I stagger into the cubicle and lock the door.
It’s amazing how hard it is to maneuver when you don’t have your full mobility. I’m glad I managed to keep my legs. This is killing me. In fact, it’s killing me more than my injuries ever could. My physical health is doing well. Better than any of us ever expected, but it’s a pity I can’t say the same about my mental health. There are moments I feel fine, but there are also many moments when I feel terrible for being alive and well with my family. Seeing Josh’s mom and dad has only made me feel more guilt.
A bang startles me from somewhere in the bathroom. Everything becomes still.
“Amber?” I call out.
Nothing. I hear shuffling on the outside of my door, but I stand up and fidget with my pants. Once I’m fully clothed and standing, I make my stance strong and click open the door. I know something bad is about to happen, I can feel it in my blood. I need to face whatever is waiting for me beyond this door.
“Amber?”
Why isn’t she answering me?
