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Chapter 15
Kally
I roll over in bed and my stitches pull, protesting to the skin being stretched. My eyes feel like I’ve got sand in them because I’ve cried so much since Daisy was laid to rest. I don’t know what day or time it is. It’s like I’m in a different world. I roll out of bed and clutch at my stomach. I’ve never had surgery before, but I hope to God I never need to have another one. It’s hard to believe I’ll get through this because the pain just isn’t getting any better. If I’m not relying on pain meds, I’m in agony. I guess I should relish the pain because it makes me remember everything I’ve been through. Even this pain should be easier than facing Colton’s wrath. His physical and mental torture was beyond anything I could have imagined, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It’s a part of my life that will haunt me forever.
I walk into the bathroom and look at my reflection in the mirror. I hold myself up with the sink unit. I can’t take my eyes away from my pale face, puffy eyes, and sunken skin. I’ve lost so much weight since Daisy died, and I don’t even recognize myself. My hair is hanging limply down by my shoulders. I can’t remember the last time I washed it, and I don’t have any intentions of washing it anytime soon. I don’t want to feel human anymore. I don’t want to look after myself. I don’t feel like I have any reason to live like this anymore. I’m damaged goods. Empty.
I turn on the cold faucet and let it run. I splash the cold water over my face and the icy water tingles on my skin. It’s refreshing, but not enough to snap me out of my mood. All the cold water does is remind me of times when Colton used to make me shower or bath in cold water. I had no choice because he would stand by the door and watch that I never turned the water up or got out of the bath. My skin prickles. It’s a reminder of how much the cold water affected me. I hated it just as much as I hated the man. I turn on the hot water and let it run until it’s the hottest it goes. I run my hands under the faucet and let the hot water cascade over my skin. It burns, but I don’t care. I can do this. I can run the hot water if I like. I don’t need to run cold water to freshen up. This is my choice.
It still confuses me how any human being can take a person’s basic rights away. I lost all sense of myself in the three years Colton had his claws stuck in me, and it’s three years I’ll never get back.
“Kally.” I hear Clark call me from the room, and I grab the towel from the shelf quickly and dry off my hands and face. “Hey. How are you feeling?”
I shrug and walk past him into my room. There’s a suitcase sitting by my bed, and it wasn’t there when I went into the bathroom.
“Damien brought some of your things from the house.”
I look at the suitcase like it’s going to eat me. Anything inside that thing will only harvest bad memories. Memories I don’t want to think about.
“Take it away, Clark. I don’t want any of it. I’d rather live in leggings and pajamas than have all of that stuff.” I can feel myself getting hysterical all over again. “Please, take it away. Burn it. Give it away. Do whatever you like with it, but don’t leave it there.”
Living like a homeless person would be much better than having any item from that suitcase. It’s tarnished. It’s blood money. It isn’t mine.
“Okay. Consider it gone. You can shop for new stuff. Why don’t I get you my laptop from my office and I’ll give you my credit card. It might be a good distraction.”
I shake my head. “No. I’m not a charity case. I’m quite happy with the essentials. I have nothing to give in return.”
Clark walks over to me and sits me down on the bed. He kneels beside me, takes my cheeks in his hands, and makes me look him in the eye. I can see the hurt and pain in his eyes, but I don’t know how to fix myself without helping to fix him. We were broken. Our families did this. The people who were supposed to nurture us, care for us, and help us to soar. They did this. They broke us.
“First of all, you could never be a charity case to me. I’ve worked my ass off to make sure I could provide for you when I got you home. Everything I have is yours, baby. Secondly, I don’t care if you run around in a t-shirt if you’re comfortable. That’s all I want for you… to be comfortable. Please never take my generosity as anything other than that. I’ll never look for anything in return. You know me, Kal. I haven’t changed. I love you. I just want the best for you.”
“I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was. I feel empty, broken, useless… a failure,” she cries and rubs her eyes with her sleeve.
“You’re none of the above. I know it will probably take me years to get that through to you, but I will. I’ll make you see that you’re strong, independent, beautiful, loyal. You’re amazing, Kally.”
I don’t want to hear all the things Clark thinks about me, because if he knew half of the things I’ve had to do to survive, he would hate me.
“Do you want to talk about anything today?”
I shake my head. “No. No amount of talking will help, Clark. It will just make you hate me more.”
“I could never hate you. Never. Nothing you could tell me would ever turn me against you.”
I nod. I wipe my face with my sleeves and hold my hands over my mouth. I don’t feel like I deserve any kindness or love. I’m not a loveable person.
“Nancy has got breakfast ready. She sent me through for you.”
Food is the last thing on my mind, but I’ll eat to keep the peace. “I’ll be through soon. I just want to freshen up.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Give me ten minutes.”
Clark leans in and kisses my forehead gently. He leaves me sitting on the bed. I hate that he has to pick up the pieces of my broken life. I don’t like being a burden to anyone, least of all to someone who would bend over backwards for me.
I lie back on my bed and close my eyes. The thought of closing my eyes and never waking up again sounds appealing to me.
No more pain.
