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How can that be? She’s the love of my life. We can get through anything together. We have to get through this because the thought of not having Harper in my life isn’t worth it. The days after we lost Angel, when it was touch and go for Harper, I couldn’t function. My brain was fried, my heart was in tatters, and my body felt broken. The pain I felt over losing Angel and watching Harper fight to come back to us was astronomical. I didn’t think anything could top that pain, but what we’re going through right now is soul-destroying. We’re like strangers to one another, and I don’t know what to do for the best.
My phone rings, and I snap out of my thoughts. Thankfully, my work’s changing room is empty, and I can have five minutes to breathe before I start work for the day. It’s like I step out of a parallel universe when I leave home, and I hate it. I want my wife back. I want our life together.
“Hey,” I try to singsong down the line, but my brother will hear right through my facade.
“How are you? We’ve not seen or heard from you in nearly two weeks,” says Derren.
I hate being away from my family, but I can’t face them and put on a brave face when my life is a shambles.
“Sorry about that. Life has been... Yeah, life hasn’t exactly been a barrel of laughs, bro.”
“How’s Harper?”
I take in a deep breath and exhale slowly. It’s the million-dollar question that I’d love to know the answer to... if only she would talk to me and let me in, but she’s hell-bent on shutting out the world.
“I don’t know. She won’t talk to me about that. She isn’t eating, she doesn’t want to go out, go back to work, anything. I’m worried about her. We’re like strangers right now.”
“It’s still early days.”
“Pete is with her today. He’s going to try and snap her out of this self-destruction she’s got going on, but I’m not sure anything is going to work.”
“Pete will work his magic. You’ve just got to be patient and be there for her.”
“Magic is exactly what we need.” Tears sting my eyes.
“When you’ve finished work, what do you say to a beer and a catch-up?”
“I don’t know...” I want to. The thought of going home to the same atmosphere is soul-destroying. Watching the woman I love self-destruct is torture.
“Come on. One will do you good. We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to. Just seeing you will be enough.”
I relent. “Okay. I’ll see you at six at The Horseshoe.”
The Horseshoe is a bar that my father took me and Derren to have our first official beer when we turned eighteen. It’s our family local. It will probably be quiet on a Monday evening. Hopefully.
“See you then.”
Now, all I must do is get through this day without any more hiccups.
***
I was first at the bar after work. Derren text to say he was running late and that I was to get the first round in. Firefighters don’t exactly have a strict shift pattern. They can’t say at the end of a shift that time’s up when a fire is raging on. They need to wait for relief to takeover. I’m guessing that’s why he’s late.
Thankfully, while I sit in the corner of the bar with my head stuck in my phone, browsing Facebook and all the happy posts, no one pays me any attention. I can live vicariously through my phone and people I once knew at some point in my life. It’s sad really, because just a couple of months ago, it was me and Harper posting the happy posts. Now, there isn’t one ounce of happiness in our lives.
That thought alone makes me feel guilty for coming to the bar tonight. Maybe I should be at home working on my marriage and trying to piece everything back together. Instead of dwelling on that thought, I text Pete.
Me: How was Harper when you left?
Pete: Not great. She told me to leave. I tried. I’m sorry.
I sigh with frustration. I was hoping Pete would be able to break the mood Harper is stuck in. I totally get why she’s like this; I feel the pain too. I just want to be there for her. We shouldn’t be facing grief alone when we’re going through the same loss. It would be so much easier if we could lean on one another and be the strength that the other needs. Right now, we’re walking on eggshells. There are so many cracks in our relationship, and no amount of plaster is going to fill them. It’s fucking killing me because I’d do anything for Harper if it means she returns to me and lets me in.
“Sorry, bro. Duty called. Cheers for the drink. I need it after today.”
Derren sits down beside me, and I put my phone down. Social media has its uses sometimes, but tonight, it’s not enough of a distraction.
“Bad news?” He points to my phone.
