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But as I pulled back, the weight of my words hit me like a freight train. We love each other. As much as I knew in my heart that I wanted that to be true, the heaviness returned, lashing me with one-sided fears and the idea that Hudson could never move on from the hurt he’d received. As much as I wanted him, as much as I knew it was becoming far too hard to hide, the likelihood of him returning those feeling seemed so small, so absolutely minuscule.
I had to remember that, even as my mind drifted back to the memories of the night before. Even as I thought about the note he’d written me, the one that hadn’t been any kind of declaration of love or fondness, but had been written with care beneath it, more care than he’d shown me before.
I had to keep my guard up. But I also couldn’t continue to pretend that was the right thing to do.
Chapter 35
Hudson
Thursday
Four days without her and three sleepless nights had left me feeling like a fucking zombie. If Nathan had thought I was distracted before, he hadn’t mentioned how much worse it had gotten since.
I’d called her every day. I felt like an idiot, listening to her phone ring and ring and hoping she’d answer. After I’d tried Tuesday night I started to worry that something was wrong. I’d called my mom, asked her if she would drive over in the morning and check how she was doing. Wednesday morning brought calm once I learned Mom had checked on her, assuring me that she was fine. But she still didn’t take my calls that evening.
As I sat in the back row barely listening to the woman that was speaking on the stage about the new catheter inventions, I couldn’t help but feel like I was fucking up. The conference had been extended by a day, and that was one more day without her. I wanted to see her this evening, to tell her everything, to do what Nathan said and just suck it up and tell her how I feel. But now I couldn’t, at least not until tomorrow.
“I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Nathan, lifting myself from the fold-down chair. I squeezed down the aisle, my thighs and calves brushing against the knees of those sitting along the same row as me. It was almost sacrilegious to leave mid-speech, but I needed space, I needed air, and I needed Sophie. More than most things, it seemed.
As I made my way through the crowded hallways, one hand gripped my phone where it sat in the pocket of my slacks. As much as I hated this city, being outside was better than being in the godawful conference center filled with people who only cared about work and the money they could make from it.
I pushed the front doors open, my name tag swinging wildly from my neck, and pulled the phone from my pocket. I had to speak to her. I had to try, at least one more time. I had to know that I hadn’t ruined everything.
Ring.
Ring.
Rin—
“Hi, Hudson.”
I sighed in relief as I leaned back against the concrete wall of the AMA. Even just her voice was enough to set my blood on fire, enough to jumpstart my heart. “Sophie.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t answered,” she said quickly, almost as if she’d been holding it in. “You were calling so late, and I’ve been so exhausted and going to bed early, and then by the time I woke up I knew you’d be busy already?—”
“It’s okay,” I interrupted, a chuckle sneaking its way up my throat just from the reassurance that she was okay, that she didn’t hate my fucking guts after Sunday night. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
The silence hung heavy for a beat before she spoke again. “Your mom said you were worried about me.”
I slid down the wall, my ass meeting the disgusting, gum-covered New York City sidewalk, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was her on the other end of the line, talking to me. “Yeah,” I admitted. “When you didn’t answer two nights in a row, I got a little worried that something had happened.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, angel.” I watched as a woman in absurdly high-heeled boots walked toward me, her body clad in a shimmering, bejeweled leotard and a feather boa around her neck. Between her lips, a cigarette hung loosely, held there by sticky lip gloss and little else. Every breath she took was smoke, every exhale a cloud. “How have you been feeling?”
“I’m okay. A bit nauseous, more so than last week. So very tired. Like, you have no idea how tired I am, Hudson.” She laughed and I chuckled with her. The woman passed me, a dollar bill in her hand, and as her heels clicked against the sidewalk in front of me, the bill floated down, landing smack dab in the center of my lap. Does she think I’m homeless? Do I look that sleep deprived? “Your mom also said that Jamey misses me. Though she didn’t mention anything about him missing you.”
I snorted as I pocketed the dollar, making a mental note to give it to someone who actually needed it later. “Not surprised. He was not happy with me when I told him he’d be staying at his grandma’s all week. He kept asking to stay with you instead.”
“Aww, I absolutely would have let him if you wanted me to watch him.”
“Nah, it’s okay. You have enough on your plate right now. Plus, we wouldn’t have been able to?—”
“I told my parents,” she cut in, her words so fast I almost didn’t understand them. “I know we said we could do it together, but you told yours without me. So I guess we’re even now.”
“How dare you. I can’t believe you went and did the exact same thing that I did. How unforgivable,” I laughed, casting my face toward the sky as the sun peaked between the skyscraper buildings. “Yes, angel, we’re even. That’s fine. How’d they take it?”
She giggled as a clunk came through the speaker, what I could only imagine was her setting the phone down. When her voice returned, it was tinnier. Speakerphone. “Surprisingly well,” she said, a steady hum picking up in the background. “They were a little surprised and kind of suspicious since they only just met you. But you know, I gave them the whole spiel.”
