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“Wanna go over there to talk?” Ruin asks after I’ve already fully expected him to keep ignoring me. He points at the door.
“Sure.” The word is out of my mouth before I can think. And now I can’t take it back.
He leads the way to a corner table via the bar where he picks up a beer for himself and a gin and juice for me without asking what I’m having. Because he already knows that’s my drink of choice.
“Is something wrong?” I ask once we’re alone.
I don’t mean to lead him on. I really don’t. Because I don’t see how we can ever be anything more than friends. If that. But with his slumped shoulders and the way his eyes can’t seem to catch on anything for long, he really looks like he needs a friend right now.
“You could say that,” he says. But then he takes a swig of his beer and doesn’t say anything more.
“What is it?”
He clearly doesn’t want to talk about it, so why am I so desperate to know?
“I have a job to do,” he finally says. “And I’m not looking forward to it.”
He grins, but his eyes stay serious.
“Is that all? I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
Inwardly, I cringe at how generic those comforting words are, but he’s not giving me much to go on here. I take a sip of my drink to cover it up.
“A lot’s riding on me doing more than just fine,” he says. “I’m just afraid you won’t know me by the end of it.”
Now that took a turn I wasn’t expecting.
I know he wants to be with me. I know he’s willing to wait until I’m ready. And I know I might never be. But I have no idea what to say to this.
He finishes his beer and grins again, this time with his eyes too.
“So, you gonna let me take you for a ride before that happens?”
“OK,” I hear myself say. No idea why. But it’s bound to be better than overthinking everything in this stuffy, noisy bar.
“Yeah?” he asks. Clearly, he didn’t expect me to agree. Why would he? I haven’t until now.
“Let’s go,” I say and gulp down some more of my drink, because I might need the courage.
But maybe the night air will make it easier to explain to him that he should find someone else to pursue. I’m definitely not girlfriend material and I’m not really friend material either. I’m too damaged and I just like to be alone.
He grabs my hand and practically drags me out of the bar. Probably to give me no chance to change my mind.
A part of me wishes he’d succeed in winning me over. But it’s a very small part. I’m too broken. Too dead inside. And no one wants to deal with that. Not even me.
3
Ruin
Ariel on the back of my bike, the crisp and fresh night air in my face and nothing but the dark road, illuminated only by my headlight. That was a dream come true right there. I could’ve just kept going. Ride until the sun came up and then ride some more.
I can’t and I didn’t. But I wanted to.
Hanging out with Bane and the others, even though it was only for three hours, woke the guy I’d been. The one who didn’t care about anything or anyone. A guy who could kill and not remember the guy’s face in the morning. I was that dead inside. And it’s not been so very long since I was that guy.
When I was that guy, I would’ve grabbed Ariel and taken her the moment I realized I wanted her. This guy I am now asks her on dates and tries. Even in the face of constant rejection.
Sometimes I don’t know how I do it.
