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Eli gives me a gentle sway as he speaks. “I get it. You’re here now. I don’t want you to go home tonight. You can sleep with Dylan, and I can take the couch or spare bedroom if I can find the bed.”
“I don’t want to put you out. I’ll stay only if I can take the couch. I don’t need the bedroom. Thank you.”
“You’re always welcome here,” Dylan adds. “I think Eli could use a break too, and shower on his own without having to help me.”
“You know I don’t mind, Viper.”
“I know. I was making a joke.”
Eli sets me on my toes. “Oh shit. Something’s boiling over.”
I watch Dylan watch my brother run into the kitchen. She smiles and laughs at him while he’s swearing at the pots. Things like that are what I miss most. I pull Eli’s favorite gaming chair closer to Dylan and climb over the back of it, pulling my legs under me.
“What do the doctors say?”
“It’s not a full tear, so that’s good. Physical therapy starts later this week and hopefully in a few more weeks, I can test some basic dancing to see what I do or don’t have.”
“How do you do that? How do you stay so calm when things could be blowing up?” I ask, because I need to know.
“This is a place I’ve gotten to, not where I started. I didn’t talk for almost two days at first. Some of it was the pain, which was fucking awful. The rest of it was a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself and I can’t change it, so I need to change how I look at it. Once I got there, it got a whole lot easier.”
“So you’re giving up?”
“No. Fuck no. I’m accepting what is and finding perspective. I sound old.” She laughs.
“No. You’re just in a good place.” I can’t say more than that. I have this feeling of a boiling pot inside me. If I let the lid go, there would be no stopping it. Kind of like the pot Eli’s trying to contain.
While Dylan and Eli eat, we watch one of Dylan’s favorite movies. I know I’ve seen it, so I play along. I’m not really paying attention. I’m listening more to the thoughts in my head and the sick feeling in my body. The loneliness and fear have manifested themselves in very physical ways. I feel it all the time now and it sucks.
To distract myself, I start scrolling the apps on my phone. Social media is a total time suck. Since that’s all I seem to have right now, why not. I look at Facebook first. I don’t know why. I hardly use it. Then I pop to TikTok with one earbud in and listen to all the silly things and people I follow. I used to be able to laugh at some of it, now I use it to pass the time.
After about fifteen minutes, I can’t do it anymore. I think about shutting my phone down but then I accidentally open Instagram. I follow several of my favorite celebs, a few chefs, popular places in some of my favorite cities, and lately, I’ve had a followfest for Wes’s clients. I thought it was a way for me to invest in him and his career if I learned about the people he’s spending so much time with.
“Hayles? Hayley?” I hear my brother’s voice trying to reach me.
“Yeah?”
“Did you want a piece of that cake now?”
“Sure. I’ll nibble on it.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks. “You’ve hardly said two words in the last hour.”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Shit, what am I now, some liar?”
Eli sits frozen while Dylan slides herself forward. “Hayley, your brother cares about you. That’s all. No one said you were a liar. He’s worried. We both are.”
“Well, you don’t need to be. I’m a big girl who’s gotten pretty good at surviving on her own.” I slide off the couch and let myself out onto Eli’s balcony. The walls and the truth are a little too close in there.
I find myself shivering and too proud to go inside. Curled up on the bench, taking in any bit of night air I can, I pull the end of the jersey down and around my legs. If I know my brother, he will end up joining me in three, two, one.
Like clockwork, the patio door opens as he walks through it. He has a blanket in his hands. Eli circles around behind me, laying the blanket over my shoulders before he crouches at my side.
“Look, Kiddo, I know things are super tough right now. I need you to know you’re not alone. I’m here. Dylan’s here. Even Mom and Dad are here. We may not have all the answers, but we’re here to support you and listen. I’m here to support you and listen. It doesn’t need to be right now, or even tomorrow.
“I get being all messed up inside when you feel like a part of you is missing. Who was the one always by my side doing everything she could to make sure I was functioning? I seem to remember a tiny blonde girl whose personality was bigger than what could fit in three people.”
“She’s still here. Sort of.”
