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“Fuck off.”
“Calm down. Jesus. I’m asking the question for a reason. It’s not a judgment call on you.”
“I’m not going anywhere. We’ve only been a couple for a few months. I haven’t got us on a five-year plan or anything yet.”
“Maybe that’s a problem, given the present circumstances. You’re sharing a child with another woman forever. Did you stop to think about what that means to and for Hayley? I know I didn’t.”
“Did she say something to you?”
“Not in so many words. I’m just thinking about how she’s been the last several weeks. It’s all Monday morning quarterback yet again. I missed things, big things. I didn’t realize I missed them until Dylan pointed them out.”
“What did Dylan say?”
“What I’m trying to ask you. She’s had some experience around what Hayley’s going through. She’s been telling me how a lot of it comes about due to insecurity and the need for some type of control. You heard the social worker. She said similar things and I was up half the night researching on the internet, which I don’t advise by the way. It mostly points back to those main elements in some way.”
“What’s she insecure about? I’m with her. I’m going to be with her. I’m not leaving her for Hannah, that’s for damn sure.”
“It doesn’t matter what you believe. What matters is what she believes. If she sees Hannah as a threat, she’s a threat. If she sees you walking away from her, then you are. It’s as simple and complicated as that. Have they met?”
“No. Absolutely not. Hayley keeps asking, but I don’t want Hayley near her. Hannah’s not evil. She just represents something I don’t want near Hayley’s magic. She’s too pure for that.”
“Pure? I don't even see my sister that way. You honestly think it’s realistic to keep them away from each other? I know you didn’t ask, but I think it sends a dangerous message.”
“You’re right. I didn’t ask.”
“All right. I’m going to go there. You promised not to fucking hurt her. I hope you pull your head out of your ass before you break that promise… again.”
Eli gets up, stalking back to the front of the cabin, leaving me to sit in the solitude I sought in the first place. Clearly, I think I’m mostly responsible for everything that’s happened to Hayley, but the things Eli said were not my initial reasons why. Now I can’t stop thinking about them.
Chapter Nineteen
Hayley
I have this constant flutter in my stomach. It’s not the good kind when you go over the top of the hill on a roller coaster or when you see the one you love walking toward you from the other end of the block. It’s this nagging sick feeling that never goes away. It makes me want to puke, hide, and run all at the same time.
The feeling has grown and grown over the past few weeks. In the beginning, I was able to run it away, will it away, sleep it away, even sex it away. Now nothing makes it go away. It’s always there, ever present. I’d hoped now things I tried to keep secret were out in the open, it would help. It doesn’t.
Wes has his hand on my back from the moment Eli and Dylan drop us off. It used to be a gesture I loved, now I don’t. It makes me feel weaker than I already am. He’s totally overcompensating by carrying my bags, waiting on me hand and foot, and what’s worse, everything we do is small talk. I hate it.
He sets the bags down so he can open the door. I could have done that, but it’s yet again another thing I’m not allowed to participate in. I felt safe inside these walls once. We get on the other side of the door where my gym bag is still on the counter, files from the office are all over the coffee table, and my computer desk is filled with half-done designs.
I stand still in the middle of the apartment as he starts breaking into routine. He puts the bags in the bedroom, turns on the speaker so the room is filled with nineties grunge, sliding the balcony door open so we can hear the city.
My arms are pinned to my side. I have to freeze my thoughts, or I’ll freak out. I jump a little when Wes wraps his arms around me from behind. His chin rests softly on the top of my head. “It feels good to have you home. Did you want me to make us something? Hell, even a bowl of cereal sounds good.”
“I can do cereal. Let me get it, okay?”
“No. It was a long couple of days. Why don’t you go chill in bed, and I’ll bring you a bowl?”
“I can still do things myself you know,” I huff.
“I know. I just want to take care of you.”
“Oh. So now you want to take care of me?”
His hands freeze on my arms. I can feel the slow rise of his head off mine. “Hayley. I always have.”
“I’m sorry. I’m still tired. I’ll wait for the Coco Puffs in bed like you said.”
