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“All right, Babe. I’ll be right there. Get comfortable.”
His lips leave an imprint on the top of my head. I’m the one who peels them away by moving toward the bedroom. The bed is sort of made and sort of not… just how we left it. Just before Eli and Dylan picked us up for Seattle, we had our bags waiting at the door and we did what we do best, a quickie before leaving the house. It’s sort of become a ritual for us.
The clothes I had on before we left are still in a pile on the floor. My favorite jeans of Wes’s are lying over the corner of the bed. It feels like no time but all the time in the world has passed. I pick up our clothes from the floor, taking them to the hamper in the closet. Wes’s Minnesota Wild sweatshirt is on top of the clothes basket on the floor. I don’t know why, but it’s what I want to wear.
I slide it on over my head before I ditch my sweatpants, T-shirt, and bra from the flight. As I turn around and the too big for me fleece falls, I catch a glimpse of my body for the first time in a full-length mirror on the back of the closet door. My curves used to be my weapon. Everything looks… less. I look less.
I hate it.
“Merlin? Babe?”
“I’m here. I just wanted something else to wear.” I emerge from behind the door to Wes’s half smile, half shock at my body. “What?”
“Nothing. It’s really nothing. I didn’t imagine you having that on is all. I thought your cereal sounded good too. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No. Not at all. Sharing isn’t a problem for me.” Unless it’s my feelings lately.
“Do you want to watch a movie? Talk? Play a game?”
I walk past him more abruptly than I intend. “I’m not a child you need to amuse. We can just sit and eat.”
“I know you’re not a child. Why is this so hard? I’m really trying here, Hayley. I just want to make you feel better.”
He hands me my bowl as I cross my legs with my back firmly against my pillows. I look down into the crackling bowl of chocolatey goodness and yet I want so much to just set it aside. I need to listen to the half who knows better and at least have some. “This actually looks good to me.”
“I know I’m not supposed to bring it up, but I’m glad you’re having something. I want you to know I’m going to support however you need to sort this out. If you lead mealtime, that’s more than okay. If you ever want me to go with you to therapy, I can do that too.”
“So… you’re planning on sticking around town for a while?” I ask.
“Of course I am. I was supposed to go out of town on a couple of overnighters next week, but I moved them. They’ll have to wait for a few weeks. I can do things by video.”
“Video? Won’t that hurt you in the long run? I mean, personal attention is better, right?”
“Yes, it is. That’s why I’m staying here. I’ll make it work.” I watch him slide into bed beside me, much like he did last night. The mattress takes a dip at my side as I pull the covers up and over any skin I have showing. “May I ask you something?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Why are you hiding your body from me?” Wes keeps on eating like he just asked me what my favorite color is or if the weather is nice. “You don’t have to answer. I just wanted to know.”
This tightrope I always walk with not knowing what the right thing is to say or do is a shit ton of the reason behind the problem I have. He’s either intentionally or unintentionally made my feelings irrelevant for too long. Now he’s asking and it scares me just as much.
“The honest answer is… I guess I’m ashamed of myself.”
Wes lets his spoon drop to his bowl and, just as quickly, puts it aside. “Hayley, I hate that for you. I fucking hate it. I want to erase that feeling away from you.”
“I don’t know if you can.”
He turns to face me just as I place another spoonful in my mouth. I’m scared to look at him. I don’t want him to be able to see what I’m thinking. Wes hooks my chin with his index finger, pulling it slowly toward him. He takes my bowl from me, setting it next to his. “Those can wait for a few minutes.”
With a reach behind his back, he pulls on the center of his T-shirt and tugs it over his head. He folds the covers back so he can see my legs. “I’m not ashamed of you.”
Wes takes hold of me around my hips, pulling me into his lap. He begins to gently massage my neck and shoulders. The subtle knots and crackles are worked through with his touch. I hadn’t realized my shoulders were up that high. The other thing I didn’t notice was that I’m always holding my breath. It’s no wonder I’m so tired all the time.
His hands feel so good as they move up and down my neck. He leans in with a soft kiss just beneath my left ear. The tender pressure from his lips sends impulses to other parts of my body and he knows it. The next breath I hold gets released in a sigh. My sigh leads to a low groan from him.
The pressure of the pads of his fingers becomes more intense down my arms. It even hurts just a little. Wes tugs on the front of the sweatshirt I’m wearing to expose my collarbone. As he ghosts over it, he whispers, “Lift up just a little.”
I raise to my knees so he can slide his gray sweatpants past my body. As if I couldn’t feel it before, he does want me or does he think this is a way to close the distance I feel between us? I don’t know. I do know it’s nice to not feel pain for a minute. Even if it’s just one. Maybe it will help. Maybe.
