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Hannah looks down at her plate before sliding it across to the table. She slides a pillow behind her back and crosses her legs underneath her before sharing the thought I can see she’s struggling with. “Where does your girlfriend stand with all this? Why haven’t we met yet?”
The hunger I once felt in my gut has now rolled over and is churning about in a violent way. I can feel the sadness that’s never far from the surface rise to a lump in my throat. “Well…in the beginning, I didn’t know how this would play out. I told her that she should be happy with someone not so complicated, right out of the gate. Even after I gave her an opportunity to leave, she didn’t. She said it would be okay.”
Hannah reaches across to lay her hand across my wrist. “And now you’re not so sure? What happened?”
“I happened. Me. You asked the most basic question. Why didn’t you meet yet? In my stupid mind, I thought it was better to keep the lives separate. We’d just gotten together. She just graduated from college, and we had to tell my best friend I was seeing his sister. The baby news came right after. The truth is I was the one overwhelmed.”
“Is this Elijah’s sister you’re seeing?”
“I was. Yes.”
“Was? As in not anymore?”
“I tried to keep us together and happy. I did. I didn’t do a good enough job. I made so many wrong choices. I should have asked her what she needed. I should have brought you two together so we could talk about things. I made her sick, literally sick. Now she’s walked away. She anchors my ass in a way no one else can. I never even asked you if there’s a boyfriend I need to be okay with.”
“Have you tried to talk to her?”
“I’ve left message after message. I tried to call at first. Her phone is off. Eli’s been keeping a close eye on her. If there are things I need to know, he tells me.” She keeps asking me questions and I keep talking. It feels all sorts of wrong. I pat her hand before I slide it back into her lap. “Well, this conversation took a hard left.”
I feel the need to get up and move again. This constant state of claustrophobia is pissing me off. To cover, I grab Hannah’s plate and mine from the table and wander into the kitchen. I bounce into old habits I used to have when we’d be here. I know there is a pitcher of filtered water in the refrigerator. I also remember she unloads her dishwasher at night instead of in the morning. I fill a couple of large glasses before I turn around and nearly run into her.
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
“No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it awkward for you. It’s just I’ve never seen you this sad before. You’re always smiling.”
“Other than the kid, there’s not much to smile about right now.” Hannah takes the glasses out of my hand and sets them on the counter. She pushes up on her toes to thread her arms around my neck and pull me in for a hug. At first, I resist it, then I finally give in. The familiarity is there. It honestly feels so good to simply be held. I didn’t let my mom do it because I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t fine.
I wrap my arms around her back. Her belly grazes against my body. Her hand gently smooths the hair touching the back of my neck. I close my eyes and imagine they’re Hayley’s hands. She would always play with my hair whether we were sitting and watching a movie or lying naked in bed. It was the one thing I think was as soothing for her as it was for me.
I’m completely lost in thought until Hannah whispers in my ear. “Did you feel that?”
“Feel what?” I ask.
She slides her hands down my arms until her feet are flat on the floor once again. “The baby. It moved.”
“Seriously? No. I didn’t.”
Hannah takes my right hand and places it low on her left side. She weaves her fingers with mine. We look into each other’s eyes in abject silence and wait to see if it will happen again. It takes a few seconds, but then I feel a gentle roll against my hand. Blink and I would have missed it. It feels like someone placed the smallest of apples in my hand and rolled it from left to right.
We both start to laugh a little bit in amazement. I hold on to her belly a little bit longer to see if it happens again. Our smiles eventually fade back into silent stares. Hannah’s grip pulls a little tighter on my hand as she pushes onto her toes again. This time her hands don’t slide around my neck. She softly brushes her lips over mine.
At first, my lips move with hers in a show of familiarity and comfort. Hers become more urgent and needy. My hands slide up her shoulders and slowly push her back. “Whoa,” I exhale. “We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
Hannah’s eyes slowly lower. Her hands loosen over my biceps. I can feel her shoulders slump inside my grip. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I got caught up in the moment. I was so happy to have you experience that for the first time. I know you’re sad. I don’t know. I guess when you finally smiled…I felt something between us.”
I lean in and allow my lips to leave an imprint on the top of her head. “I will always look after you. I will respect you. I will always have love for you as the mother of my child, but I can’t love you like that. I love Hayley. I. Love. Hayley.” The words are on repeat in my brain. “I love Hayley. Hannah, I have to go. I promise we’ll work everything out, but right now. I have to go.”
Hannah loosely wraps her fingers around my wrist. “I know. Go get her.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Wes
I don’t know what I was waiting for. I know she needs time, but I need her. I let her go too easily. I lived up to the man she had in her mind. I didn’t fight for her. I didn’t let her know she was important. I’m going to do that now. If she still wants to stay away after that, then I’ll let her go.
The drive from the city out to the Sawyers’ is filled with scripting what I want to say then erasing it and starting again. The closer I get to their gate then entering in the code, the more I realize that I don’t need to plan what I want to say. I just need to share with her everything I’m thinking.
Eli said she’s instructed her parents not to let me anywhere near her. Is that for her? For me? I know I don’t want it. What’s the plan? The gate slowly opens for me to follow the concrete driveway to my next step, our next steps. I park my car in the growing shadows in what would be Eli’s spot next to the basketball hoop. If I wanted to be found out quickly, I could start a game. I need something different, something grander.
