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“Er,” I hesitate. “I mean, I like it when you’re in charge. But I don’t think I’m into the whole dom-sub thing.”
He waits for me to continue.
“I mean … I didn’t think I was even into kinks until Becks told me I was.”
“Is this the best friend that you’re not sleeping with?”
“Correct. When I used to hear the word kink, I used to picture BDSM. That’s what the narrative is, right? Ball gags and gimp suits. Whips and chains. That’s a hell no from me.”
“Taking notes,” says Alistair.
“But Becks explained that anything that is not, like, missionary position in the dark is actually kinky, right? From hand jobs to … I don’t know …” I reach for any unusual kink I can think of. “Collaring.”
Alistair gazes at me thoughtfully. “I’m trying to keep up, here. So that’s a negative on whips and ball gags?”
“I’m just trying to explain that kink isn’t what I thought it was. I basically thought kink was BDSM.”
“Right. And BDSM is …”
“… not appealing to me,” I conclude.
“Because you think of gimp suits.”
“Yes.”
“Big turnoff,” I say.
“Got you.”
“This is where you tell me that your fave kink ever is latex.”
Alistair chuckles. “It’s not. I mean, I like a bit of latex, but … let’s just say definitively that gimp suits are off the table.”
“Thank god.”
“However—” he says.
“Oh, dear.” I cover my flushing face with my hand.
“It’s just that there’s so much in that world. It’s a whole universe of kink. I think it would be good to identify what you do and don’t like within the category.”
I gulp. “Okay.” I committed to being open and curious. “Well, the biggest thing for me, I think, is that I’m not into pain. Or humiliation.”
“Right,” he says. “I’m not into sadism, or being humiliated. So that’s a good fit.”
Relief cascades through me. I don’t mention that Jeff liked hurting me, and the less consensual it was, the more he seemed to enjoy it.
Alistair loses his playfulness for a moment; he must have seen something in my expression. He grips my foot firmly. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you, Ivy. In any way. Ever.”
I inhale, trying to relax again, trying to get back to the game we were enjoying. I try to keep my tone light. “There’s a fine balance between pleasure and pain. I understand that. Like when you used those nipple clamps. I would never have chosen that, but it was really good.”
“You make an interesting point. Thinking you won’t like something but then it turns out you do.”
I nod. I wouldn’t have said yes to clamps, champagne bottles, or fisting, but there I was, coming all over the place. “So then this list is more about signposts than being definitive?”
“That’s right,” says Alistair. “It’s just a jumping-off point.”
“Look at us!” I giggle. “Being all corporate-speak about our darkest desires.”
