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“As long as we’re on the same page,” says Alistair. “It’s imperative to dot the Is and cross the Ts.”
“Shall we circle back to this later?” I ask, with a goofy smile. “I’m in need of refreshment.”
“Excellent idea. Meeting adjourned. Gin, or champagne?”
We settle on tea and biscuits, and climb into bed together. My head is swimming with the kinks we’ve discussed so far. It’s a little bizarre drinking tea in bed with Alistair, as if we’re an old married couple. Except that we’re talking about bondage and latex instead of what we need from the grocery store.
“You’re right about threesomes,” I say. “I don’t have any fantasies per se, but I’d definitely try that. Sexual bucket list.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“No!”
“But you just said?—”
“I know what I said. But I’m not ready for that.”
“You don’t think you’re ready for that. You hold yourself back. Personally, I think you’re more than ready.”
I feel stricken. “I hold myself back?”
He looks apologetic. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean to?—”
“No, you’re right.” It hurts, but he’s right. What hurts isn’t that I limit myself in bed, but in every aspect of my life. “My life’s a mess.”
“Nooo,” he croons, stroking me. “That is absolutely not what I meant.”
“I know. Doesn’t make it less true.”
“Your life isn’t a mess,” he says. He has no fucking idea.
“Alistair. I live in a shit flat and survive on mostly tea and dry toast. I have student debt that will take me the rest of my life to pay off. I haven’t had a successful relationship. Ever. I’ve never had a job I’ve loved. My one solid commitment was to the planet and now I?—”
“Ivy,” he interrupts tenderly, taking my hand.
I fall silent. I was too honest. Too vulnerable. Now he’ll see me for who I am, and that will be the end of us. Sadness wells up in me.
“Ivy,” he repeats, waiting until I look into his eyes. “I wish you could see yourself like I do.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
He tilts my chin and kisses me. “You are magnificent.”
I scoff.
“You are so fucking beautiful, and your body makes me crazy, but that’s not all I love about you.”
“You don’t have to say?—”
Alistair cuts me off with another kiss.
“You’re smart and funny and you have the most incredible heart.”
Incredible heart.
“When I saw you for the first time, injured, at that protest …”
“Unconscious and bleeding. Very attractive.”
