Page 69 of Love to Fear You


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“Ivan, could you give us a minute? I need to talk to my daughter.”

“Of course, sir.”

He steps out of the vehicle and makes himself scarce. Without Ivan to act as a buffer, the friction between my father and me balloons until I can’t stand it anymore. I put my hand on the door handle to escape.

“Don’t you dare leave this car.”

I huff and fold my arms, throwing my back against the seat.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” he says. He refuses to meet my eye.

Remaining silent, I pick at a hangnail to keep me occupied. My hands need something to do.

He runs his hand along the back of his neck. “Do you want to press charges?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it.”

Having the police get involved doesn’t seem like enough of a punishment for what she did. I want to see her truly suffer, but I don’t know what that looks like.

With a sigh, I dig my fingernail into my palm, leaving a crescent-shaped indent in the skin.

“I don’t know who you are,” he says, his voice breaking. “The woman in that video I saw today was someone I couldn’t recognize. I mean, you’re only seventeen, for Christ’s sake.”

I have no response to that, so I give him the space to talk while the heat rises to my cheeks.

“I just can’t believe my little girl did what you did with those boys.”

“I’m not a little girl anymore.” My tone doesn’t hold its usual bitterness. “I had to grow up really fast to take care of Mom.”

At last, he turns to face me, and I reluctantly lift my eyes to meet his gaze. But the look on his face is stricken.

“Did those boys force you to do those things?”

He knows the answer to that. He saw enough of the video to know how much I was enjoying it. But he’s trying to give me an out, some excuse so he can hold onto the last shred of my innocence.

“No,” I say. “I wanted it, and I started it. But I didn’t realize someone would film and upload it.”

“Oh, Willow.” He sits back and runs his hands over his face. “If your mom was alive and saw that video…”

He doesn’t finish, but he doesn’t have to. She’d be disappointed in me.

The words gut me like a dagger, and hot tears spring to my eyes. I sniff.

“Can I go now?” I ask in a shaky voice.

He stares out at the street through the windshield, lost in thought. After a long moment of tense silence, he nods.

I push the door open with all my weight and jump from the car, like I can’t escape fast enough. Darting past Ivan, my shoes thump against the path to the door. When I force my way in, I don’t stop running until I reach my bedroom, and I slam the door behind me.

Without bothering to take my uniform off, I throw myself onto the bed and bury my face in the pillows.

For the first time since her death, I’m glad my mom’s gone, and as soon as the thought enters my head, I’m wracked with guilt.

But at least she never lived to see how badly I’ve fucked my life up.

Chapter 17

Willow

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