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“No I don’t. I won’t assume. You have to use your words. I’m not in that head of yours.”
“What if it was too soon?”
“Did things change between you?”
“No, not at all. He seems normal. I mean more open but not like anything is bad or changed. I’ve been keeping my distance because I needed time to work through things but he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like the space.”
“Then I don’t know what you mean by too soon. You have to explain.”
Cali pushed out a short breath. “It's only been six months.”
“You say only like there’s some metric or guideline that exists for a person to grieve.”
“Isn’t there?”
“No, there isn’t. Some take years, some days. It’s all in how that individual’s brain works. It’s all about when your heart heals and is ready to feel again.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
Dr. K laughed, shaking her head. “No, sweetheart. It’s anything but. It’s honestly the most complicated thing in the world and we all experience it differently. Losing someone you love is traumatic in a sense. It numbs you to your core in a way that nothing else can. You and Merritt happened really fast. So fast that you didn’t have time to make sense of the connection. You just dove right in and let him consume you.”
“Is that bad?”
“It can be but in your case, I think it was necessary. Your life has been unconventional, from the time you were old enough to understand what love meant. You never truly knew your parents or experienced their love and your adoptive parents loved you in a semantic way. They clothed you, fed you, and made sure all your basic needs were met, but from what you’ve told me, there was always a void there. One they couldn’t fill with children they birthed so they adopted you and your sister in the hopes that crafting a makeshift family would solve their issues with infertility. When it didn’t, they did the best they could to create a happy life for you but they never really showed you Agape love.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s unconditional love. The kind that’s so deep you feel it in ways you can’t really explain. It builds something in you that allows you to embrace all other types of love. Most of us experience it first from our parents and siblings, sometimes even friends. You never had that; so when Merritt entered your life, with his all-consuming personality, you weren’t prepared for it. It sucked you in so fast that you had no defense. That’s not necessarily a bad thing because it taught you something and the next time you experience that type of love you’ll be better prepared to deal with it.”
Cali sat with her words for a minute. Dr. K was right. She had never felt anything like what Merritt brought into her life. It was scary at times and left her emotionally confused but she knew it was right.
“I loved him. I still do.”
“I believe you loved him, Cali. I do. But that doesn’t mean you can only ever love him. He’ll always have a place in your heart, but not to the point that you can’t allow anyone else in. That’s the unhealthy part. If you like this War, explore how he makes you feel. Enjoy it for what it’s worth and if he’s right for you, don’t feel guilty about moving forward and embracing those feelings.”
“I’ll try.”
“Be easy on yourself. You’re human and there’s no blueprint to how the heart and mind work.”
“Well shit, then why am I paying you so much?”
Dr. K smirked. “Because I studied for years, piecing together what little we know to help you navigate the unknown.” She winked at Cali, who playfully rolled her eyes, appreciating the fact that she had Dr. K in her life to help her figure out the unknown. Without her assistance, Cali wasn’t sure how she would have made it out of the darkness she was left in after losing Merritt.
When War let himself into his sister’s condo, he was already on the defensive, assuming she wasn’t alone because the guest spot was filled with a car he didn’t recognize. After hearing her front door slam, Kirsten appeared at the top of the stairs glaring at her brother.
“You could have knocked,” she fussed, attitude on a hundred. Her man had just left with a friend minutes before War arrived and he could have caught them in a compromising position.
“Who’s here?”
War had been meaning to pull up on her since their mother mentioned she was seeing someone who he needed to see about. Time had simply slipped away because he had been preoccupied with Cali.
And her body!
“Nobody.”
“Then whose car is in your guest spot?”
Kirsten traveled down the stairs, sucking her teeth as she passed her brother. Raleigh had been picked up, promising to return later, so his car was still at her place. When she ignored his question, War’s chin dipped and his eyes narrowed, expressing his lack of patience from Kirsten not responding right away.
