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“What do you mean?” Milo cocked his head at me and raised an eyebrow.
“I mean it’s almost like…like there’s a part of me that wants to be cold and cruel. A part of me that only wants to do things I would never do. And sometimes it wins.”
“What kind of things?”
“Like telling you I don’t need you. And like flipping out on McKenzie when she’s just trying to help. And like trying to take control of a whole pirate ship right in front of its captain. And like…like…”
My voice trailed off. I couldn’t tell him about Bellamy. The voice inside me told me not to.
Secrets won’t hurt anyone. But telling him will.
“That’s it?” Milo leaned forward.
Knowing it was wrong, I nodded. Milo almost looked crushed. He straightened and looked away. “So then…does that mean that you and Bellamy…that was all you? The real you?”
Something took hold of my heart, clamping down on it like fangs. “How do you know about that?” I hissed. The siren side was back.
“I saw you. At the docks. You two looked...close. And you looked right at me, like you hated me.”
“I…I don’t even remember doing that. I thought I might’ve seen someone, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t see your face. It must’ve been controlling me then.”
“Well, I left after that. It crushed me. But then Noah told me you were acting strange and so I thought maybe—”
“Bellamy saved me. What did you expect?”
Oh no.
Milo stood up, his gaze hardening. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe you’d tell him you didn’t want or need his help like you told me.”
I heard his words, but that dark, terrible side of me relished in the hurt I sensed welling up within him. I shot up to my feet and stepped toward him, into the low light of the candle burning in the room.
Don’t say it. No. Yes. Say it.
“Maybe I did need him. Maybe I wanted him.”
Milo stomped toward me, with his jaw clenched, and gripped my shoulders with each hand. “Why? Why would you say that, Katrina?” Even through his gritted teeth and steel eyes, I could tell how hard he was trying to hide the pain he felt from my words.
He lowered his gaze to match mine, as if studying my eyes. When he paused, I knew he’d noticed them. But I was glad. I was glad he could see the other side of me was there and in control. I wanted him to know it wasn’t me who had said that to him.
“Your eyes,” he growled.
“You see it, then.” I smiled, knowing he’d caught a glimpse of my cold blue irises. “You see why I don’t need you? I have all the power and protection I need, right here.”
Shut up.
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t let her win. I’d never fought the siren in me so hard. But I thought of Milo and for a moment…just a moment…I broke free of her. “Milo, this isn’t me! Don’t listen to her…me…anything I say when my eyes are blue.” My words came out so desperately I nearly choked on them. I didn’t know how long I had before the voice came back.
“I know,” he sighed. “I was afraid this is what happened to you when Noah said you’ve been acting weird.”
“What? What happened to me?”
He hesitated, looking around the room like he wasn’t sure speaking here was safe. “Let’s go downstairs to eat with the others. I’ll explain there. They deserve to know, too.”
“Okay.” I hugged myself, ashamed of the monster I became when I least expected it. But I had it under control. For now. But I’d still need to repair the damage that had been done. Because as much as admitting it felt like fire on my skin, there was always the smallest inkling of truth in whatever I said when the siren took over.
Back down in the tavern, we stayed to ourselves, keeping to the darkest corners of the place to stay out of sight. But we gobbled down the pork and vegetable stew like it was the best thing we’d ever tasted.
“We’ll have to make this last,” Milo noted. “I’ve only enough left to purchase our food rations for our journey. Unless the ship we commandeer happens to have some on it already.”
