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“A kiss doesn’t change anything. You can’t fix this with a kiss.”
For the first time, there’s a flicker of something other than indifference, and as I shrug away, there’s a moment of hesitation before he lets me go. We’ve never had that, not really, because Freddie is so stubborn and set in his ways that nothing short of a miracle sways his resolutions.
“You can shower me with kisses, but they don’t matter. You can spy on me and watch my every move…” Unwinding the camera from my hand, I slap it to his chest, letting it drop when I pull my hand away. Annoyance clenches his jaw as he glances down at his spy toy on the ground. “Don’t you see, Freddie? None of that makes this feel better.” He looks as haunted as I feel as I press my hands to my chest, trying to make him see that it’s broken. It’s all empty without him. “I’m still hurting. I’m still needing. And I’m still wanting.”
The cogs are noticeably turning as he holds me with his stare. Uncertainty draws his expression into a boyish pout while we stand in the glow of the moon above us. It’s cool, and when I edge away from him, I can’t help shivering in my thin dance clothes. The wispy shrug does nothing to keep me warm.
I turn to pick up Chips’ basket and go inside, but as I bend over, he lifts me back up and wraps his zip-up hoodie around me.
God, I’m not sure how I’m ever meant to give it back to him. It’s warmed through with his body heat, and his scent oozes into my zinging pores with a metallic edge to it as he zips it up. With my arms still folded around me, it’s impossible to push him away when he draws me closer, away from my open door at the same time as Casper comes out. Both of my bags in his hands, he goes straight to his Range and throws them in the back seat.
“What are you wanting, Georgina?” Freddie asks without any glint of his usual dry humour or cold sarcasm. This is the closest we’ve come to being on the same page. To feeling the same things, or at least the same way.
Since he asked, I may as well be honest even though I already know he’s going to run a mile and then some. All the times that everyone has warned me about him, about how I’m not ready for him…I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s him that’s not ready for me.
With an awkward wriggle, I push my arms into the sleeves of his hoodie. He’s not getting it back today anyway, so I might as well get comfortable in it. I’ll leave it at Casper’s when I go to the Aviary.
“You,” I answer his question as he continues studying me. He’s on edge, and it shows in the way his eyes skitter between mine.
A loud exhale whooshes from him as though he’s relieved, and before he can interpret it into resignation, I add, “I want all there is of you, Freddie. Every part. Inside and out.”
“You have me,” he states after a silent beat.
The words are choked and unusually muted for someone that never has a problem speaking his mind, and as much as I want to throw my hands around him and comfort him, I can’t.
As I look down at our feet, I push down the urge to pander to his discomfort and back down. “I don’t think you understand what I’m wanting. What I’m asking you for…”
I take the basket from him in case he really does tuck his tail between his legs and run away from me. “I want to own you. I want to own you as completely as you own me.”
His chest inflates as he draws in a deep inhale, his jaw ticking in that way of his when he’s fighting for control. To hold himself back.
“If you are my lord, Freddie, I need to be your everything. Me. I need to be your existence. Just me. I won’t play second fiddle, and I will not be the first of… It has to just be me.”
“I’m here, aren’t I? I’m trying.”
“Then try harder. I meant what I said, and it’s never going to change. I want more. Everything. And that means that I want to be the beginning, middle, and end of all that you are. I want your loyalty and your love.”
“Georgina…”
“No! There’s no way around this. I’m all out of hope and patience. You want to own my heart and my soul? Then give me yours. You want to be my existence? My whole world? Then make me yours.”
“You are, Swan. I’m here.” The control is beginning to slip the more I push. His chest is heaving and his nose is flaring and the cool glint in his stare is back.
“Then say it. Tell me why I’m all those things. How do you know?”
“Because…” He pauses, gaping at me as though he can’t articulate the words, or maybe he’s just too chickenshit to say them.
Knowing him the way I do, the latter seems more likely in this scenario.
“Because?” I urge, pushing some more as I take a purposeful step closer so that we’re almost touching.
“I…” A frustrated look pinches his face as he takes a step back with a shake of his head.
Before he can walk away from me, I grasp his hand tightly in mine, putting the cat basket down beside me. I lace my fingers with his while I press my palm to his hammering heart.
“It’s in here, my lord,” I smile, trying to coax some ease between us. “You just have to let it out.”
Freddie shakes his head, and I press my hand harder to his chest.
