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“I know, but it’s true. I’m not the woman you married. I’m not the… I’m not a woman.”
Still in the corner of my eye, I saw her sit up, then turn back to me again.
“Okay. Continue…?”
I took a deep breath to settle myself, but on the next sentence, my voice broke.
“I’ve been trying to keep it from you for so long so that I wouldn’t add to your stress. But I’ve been so confused. My whole life, being labelled as a woman hasn’t felt right, but I’ve been able to ignore it. Except now I don’t seem to be able to. It’s been looming bigger and bigger in my life and I didn’t want to tell you in case I scared you away. And also because I know you’re a lesbian, and you’re attracted to women… and if I’m not a woman, you probably won’t be attracted to me and you’ll leave me.”
I blew out a breath, and then covered my eyes with my hands so I wouldn’t have to see her face.
“So you’re… you’re a man? Is that what you’re saying?”
I shook my head vigorously, still with my hands over my eyes.
“No. I’m not. I wondered, for a while, but the more I think about it the more I don’t think I’m a man. I’m not a man, but I’m not a woman either. I’m…”
I couldn’t even get the words out.
“I think I’m non-binary.”
The words came out garbled and half mixed with a sob.
“Sorry, repeat that?”
I swallowed. “I think I’m non-binary. Like Anonymity Smith. Neither male nor female. I feel uncomfortable being labelled as a woman. And I would feel uncomfortable being labelled as a man. I thought I could deal with it and it would go away and I’d go back to being able to hack this whole being-female thing… but it’s not. And I’ve spent our time apart thinking. This is who I am, Petra.”
Time stood still, with what felt like centuries passing between each thump of my heart. But Petra was only silent for a moment before she said, “Okay.”
Huh?
I ripped my hands from my eyes and squinted at her. “Okay?”
She nodded. “Yes, okay. If that’s what you are, then that’s what you are, and I will support you.”
Her plain, matter-of-fact delivery took the wind out of my sails. My gaze returned to the floor. “But… that means I’m not your wife any more. You don’t have a wife. You’re a lesbian – doesn’t that mean something to you?”
“I mean yes, probably. When I’ve had a chance to think about it, it might take some processing.”
“And let’s not forget that forty-eight hours ago you were adamant you wanted a divorce,” I said dryly.
“I did…” she sighed. “But that was when I thought you’d never let me in. Now I know. And it has to be said – I never loved you solely for your femininity, Jean. I didn’t love you solely because I thought you were a woman. You could be a ten-foot monster with three heads and a tail, but if your soul was the same as it is now, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck. The three-heads bit might be an issue when it comes to kissing you, but we’d give it our best shot.” Despite it all, I smiled at the imagery. “Because I fell in love with you. Not your body, although of course I love that too. But your soul.”
“What if my soul changes too, though? I mean, I thought I was a woman too until fairly recently.”
“See, my grasp of the concept of souls may be different to yours. In my view, your soul is your true, authentic self. Not all of which may be visible to you at any one time. If you’re non-binary, then your soul is and always has been non-binary, but you’ve only just discovered that. Even so, it’s the soul I fell in love with, and still love. Does that make sense?”
“Sort of. Not really. My brain feels like it’s been liquidised in a blender.”
She chuckled dryly. “I can only imagine. But to return to your point: you may not be my wife any more, but you are my partner. My spouse. If those are the words you want me to use. Why should your gender matter, if your soul’s the same?”
I smiled, but I still couldn’t look at her.
“Jean, will you look at me?”
My eyes remained stubbornly fixed on the corner of the bed. I shook my head. I couldn’t bear to see her face. Recently, when it came to me, she’d been terrible at hiding her true emotions. I couldn’t bear to see them now.
“Please, look at me.”
