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There was something in her voice now. Something raw, and desperate. Eventually, inch by inch, with overwhelming effort, I pulled my eyes around to meet hers.
She got up, and knelt down in front of me. Both my hands were clasped in hers.
“My love for you has never been dependent on your gender, Jean. I should have made that clearer. It’s something that we should have made clear right from the off, probably, but it just wasn’t something that came to mind. There just isn’t the discourse around it yet. But I’ll say it now. Whatever it takes to make you happier in your body, in your identity, I will be there with you while we do it. I love you for being you. And if that you is non-binary, then I have a spouse, not a wife. Or a partner, or whatever term you’re happy with. Whatever pronouns you’re happy with. You tell me what to say, and what to do, and I’ll make sure to say and do it. Okay?”
Looking into the liquid brown eyes of my wife, full to the brim with sincerity and love, was what finally tipped me over the edge. I let out a loud sob and pulled her into me, letting out all the pent-up frustration and terror and uncertainty of the last few months.
“I love you, Jean,” she said into my hair. “However you come. I love you however, okay?”
Chapter Sixty-Nine
Perhaps for the first time since everything kicked off in April, I found myself relaxing that night. After my coming out, Petra and I had come together in a tender act of renewal that said all the things we hadn’t said with words.
We were staying together. That much I knew for certain. Not that either of us had said it… but I just knew. The feeling of conviction surprised me. It had been a while since I’d been sure of anything, after all.
There were further conversations to have, of course. I’d have to talk to Gemma, apologise for cutting her off, explain everything. Petra and I would, in time, tell each other how we felt in more detail. And how we had been feeling over the last few months. All the stuff we hadn’t told each other at the time. And, to be honest, I couldn’t wait.
But tonight was for sleeping. Petra had fallen asleep soon after we called it a night, but I was too happy.
Happy. Yes, I was happy.
The future was looking brighter the more I thought about it. We loved each other, even if those feelings had taken a battering. In a few weeks, Petra would return to her deputy head role – still a stressful one, but a manageable stress. Anonymity Smith had moved on to high school – although Petra had given them her email address, she had managed to set them up with a counsellor at their new school, she’d told me on the drive over. So hopefully their shitty situation would also be manageable, at least until they finished school and could make decisions for themselves.
And I’m non-binary.
I’d never expected to think those words and feel a rush of excitement flood my body, but now I did. It seemed as if a whole new world of possibilities were opening up, now I felt able to redefine myself to the world.
For the first time in perhaps my whole life, I felt excited about the future.
Chapter Seventy
It could only have been a few minutes later when Petra stirred, rolled over, and batted at me sleepily.
“You still there?” she murmured before her arm connected with my hip.
“As if I’d be anywhere else,” I said.
“Why aren’t you asleep?”
“Just… ruminating, I guess.”
“Good things going through your brain?” She sat up on her elbows and clicked on the bedside lamp.
“Of course,” I said, leaning over to kiss her now I could see her.
“Want a cup of tea? Make the most of having a tiny little kettle in our bedroom?”
“Go on then,” I chuckled, and she climbed out of bed. A few minutes later, she settled back down next to me, each of us with steaming mugs of builder’s tea in our hands.
“So, how is you being non-binary going to affect our day-to-day lives? Practically?” She blew on her tea, then took a tentative sip.
“Well, it’s not a legally recognised gender-”
“What?”
“No, it isn’t. Not in the UK. In terms of passports and legal documents etcetera. But until the powers-that-be see the light, we can change as much as we can. Linguistically, first and foremost. I’m so much more comfortable with the prospect of someone using ‘they/them’ pronouns and gender-neutral terms.”
“I can do that. And what about… like, transitioning? Medically. Hormones, surgery…?”
