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He’s mirroring the feeling currently sewing my gut into sickening knots.
“Do you think…” I can’t even put words to the thought. It sticks in my throat like a knife. Did our girl leave, or was she taken?
“Get dressed.” Ven issues us all with his order. “We need to search the forest.”
61
There’s nothing but mist clutching at my skin with damp tendrils. My hair plasters against the side of my face, and my cheeks sting with cold.
It’s eerily quiet out here.
As the murky gloom began to give way to a blue-ish haze this morning, I carried on walking. Not really knowing where I was headed, or what I hoped to find. But I needed to clear my head.
My men were all still sleeping when I snuck out in the dark. The turmoil of yesterday had taken a heavy toll on all of us, and I wanted them to snatch as much sleep as possible while they could. There’s no telling what today and the repercussions of my run-in with Miles Crane might bring. And as I’d laid there listening to their quiet snores, I felt my heart crush itself in a tortured vice.
I’m in love with all of them. In their own ways, and with all their own intricacies.
Never in my wildest imaginings did I think I’d find my heart’s home in three such different men. And the way they make each other happy? That brings me a deeper sense of contentment than I could ever have hoped for in life.
Is there such a thing as being at peace from seeing others find their own happiness? From seeing the way other people you love, in turn, love one another? From being overjoyed when someone you care about is able to reconcile their own feelings for someone else and start to bloom because of it?
If that’s at all possible…then unfathomably, I think I’ve discovered that here, with them.
Which is why I’m out here at an ungodly hour of the morning, standing amongst the damp, gloomy bank of misted pines overlooking the valley below.
It might seem like a dumb decision on any other day, to leave the house without at least informing them of where I’ve wandered to, but I felt like I was suffocating inside those walls. And anyway, there’s the whole reality that I have a fucking tracker in my neck, so it’s not like I can go anywhere without them knowing where I am.
God. How did I go a whole life without love, only to slam into it with such immense and exquisite force. Threefold.
There’s no way any of them could ever love me back. Ky, maybe, in amongst his love for both Ven and Thorne. But the other two won’t ever be able to offer that part of themselves—I don’t think there’s anything left in there for either of them to be able to give, even if they wanted to.
My family destroyed them, leaving a legacy where I would end up tortured with longing for the part of them stolen while they were still only children themselves.
What a fucking way to ruin me even further. My parents seem to endlessly be able to reach out from beyond the grave and twist a rusty knife even deeper into the wounds they inflicted while they were still breathing.
I draw the blanket tighter around my shoulders. My skin is numb, face raw thanks to the icy wind sweeping up from the ravine down below.
Coming out here in nothing but some thin leggings and an oversized hoodie wasn’t exactly dressing for the elements. But in my defense, I wasn’t thinking of anything but the need for open space and a reprieve from this insanity.
Sucking in a deep lungful of the brisk, damp air, at least one thing I can know for certain is that I’m alive. My heart is still beating, and I’m still here after everything I’ve been through.
If only my lungs didn’t burn and my wretched heart didn’t ache with every thump inside my chest.
The events of the past day flash through my mind like a whirlpool.
Along with the revelation they put a tracker in me, I also have it confirmed for me in black and fucking white that my phone is bugged. Oh, and both of the grotesquely invasive aspects of my life appear to have been interfered with from outside, unknown sources.
Apparently, being tracked and monitored without consent is the least of my concerns.
I’m still spiraling after the altercation with Miles Crane and his horrific threats to buy my body. Somehow, the knowledge that these men put a chip in me without my permission or knowledge feels like child’s play in amongst the pile of awful promises and threats looming over my head.
Of course, I had my suspicions these men might have done something to me along those lines. That’s the way the Anguis tend to do things…I’m no naive little girl, after all.
These three are monsters, even if they are my monsters.
The words from Ky barely registered when he was shouting down the phone yesterday. All I could do was look at the spot where Thorne held on to me so tight, it was like he thought I might vanish out of the car right out from under his nose.
While terror is still an ever-present queasiness in my stomach after what Miles Crane said he was going to do, I’m not angry or upset with Thorne or my other two men for what they did.
