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Ella looks back, and I take a mental screenshot and file her photo next to the definition of strength in my mind. I know she’s in pain, and I know she’s going through a similar treatment as me. Yet she is the one leading the way, and I’m dragging my feet with my tail between my legs.
The nurse hooks us up, and I realize I haven’t had a chance to read my bracelet yet. Looking at my wrist, I read it.
Queen Charlotte and Princess Ella. Besties.
That’s right. We are besties.
When this is all over and I’m gone, I hope she will be okay. I hope she continues to smile and laugh like she does now, if not bigger and more often. I hope she finds a new bestie to make bracelets for. I hope she and her mom stay close and their friendship grows with them.
By the time Ella and I are finished with our chemo treatment, I’m so cold that I worry I’ll never truly be able to warm up again.
Ella’s sleepy as the nurse unhooks her. After the nurse does the same for me, I hold Ella’s hand, and this time, it’s me that takes the lead. Harper is slumped over in her chair but perks up the second she sees us. Her face changes from hopelessness and despair to the happiest person alive in the blink of an eye. It’s almost scary how effortlessly she is able to hide her sorrows.
“Hi, baby. Are you sleepy?” Harper asks Ella, brushing the hair out of her face.
“Yeah,” she says, yawning.
She releases my hand and lets her mom pick her up.
“I’ll walk out with you guys,” I say as I walk in front of Harper to get the doors for her and Ella.
Harper parked next to me, and we walk to our cars in silence. The concrete is slightly wet, and the air smells like fresh rain and grass. Inhaling deeply, I slowly exhale, feeling every cell of my body relax just slightly. The sky is cloudy, light and dark mixing in the clouds above with drops continuing to fall sporadically.
As Harper unlocks the car, I get the door for her again, and she sets Ella on the seat.
As Ella buckles up, she asks me with worried eyes, “Are you coming to my next appointment too?”
Harper sucks in a sharp breath like she wished Ella hadn’t asked. But I smile at both of them.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I tell her with absolute certainty. Holding up my bracelet, I add, “Besties, remember? Besties always show up for each other.”
“Yeah! Besties!” She stretches Cocoa up in the air, waving his arm and bracelet sporadically.
Harper gently shuts the door and turns to me. “I’m so thankful that she has you.” Her eyes well up, causing a lump to form in my throat. “She truly loves you, and you make this so much easier for her.”
Chuckling softly at the absolute irony of that statement, I smile. “One thousand percent, she’s made it easier for me. I don’t think I would have shown up for today if I hadn’t known that she was behind those doors, waiting.”
A short silence stretches between us, and Harper opens her door and says, “I’ll text you the details of her next one.”
“Whenever it is, I’ll be there,” I say, rubbing my hand over my heart.
She smiles and slides into her seat, shutting the door behind her and leaving me with my own haunting thoughts once again.
Walking the few feet to my car, I hope more than anything that I’ll be around long enough to see Ella reach remission.
Raindrops start falling harder as I begin driving home. The pitter-patter on my windshield is calming, and before I know it, I’m parked and walking inside of my quiet house.
Shutting the door behind me, I slide down the dark wood until my butt hits the floor. I wrap my arms around my knees and tuck them into my chest. Biting my bottom lip, I look around the room. At the pill bottles strewn on the coffee table. At my wig lying on the couch. At the ghosts of memories of Reed, Laura, Josh, and me that will always haunt this place. It sickens me, knowing I’m in the midst of making the final memories here and they will be nothing but lonely and sad ones.
I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave the people I love. I don’t want to just disappear at the drop of a hat like my mom did. Here one moment and gone the next. I don’t want to think about everything I’m leaving behind.
My bottom lip trembles, and my eyes well up with tears. My breathing becomes shaky, and I fight the sobs trying to burst free.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
“Ahh.” I jump away from my door, scared out of my mind at the unexpected knocking.
It’s probably just a package or something that Josh ordered and forgot to tell me about. They’ll leave in a moment.
