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She heaves and sobs, and my heart begins shattering in a way I’ve never experienced before.
Still hugging her impossibly tight, I ask a question that I don’t want the answer to. “What’s going on?”
She melts in my grasp, and my entire body stiffens. While she’s still wrapped around me, she weeps. I think it’s easier for her to tell me without looking at me. I can understand that.
“She’s gone.” Her words are but a haunting whisper in my ear.
What does she mean, gone? Like being transferred to another hospital gone? Like taking a nap and sound asleep in the bed gone? But even as I stand here in this never-ending moment, I know what she really means. I just refuse to accept or believe that it’s even possible.
She can’t be gone. She just can’t.
Squeezing her tighter, I cling to her for dear life. Her pain resonates off of her, sinking its claws into me until I feel the same agony.
“You said she was okay?” I beg of her to tell me she’s fine.
“She w-was. A few minutes ago, she left us…” The words vibrate from her trembling lips. “This morning, I went to get her up for her a-appointment. But she wasn’t moving. She was breathing but barely. She wouldn’t open her eyes or wake up,” she blubbers, and I can’t imagine how hard those words are to say.
“She died during our drive over?” I shriek, and my throat feels raw as my words tear their way through.
She nods, and somehow, this broken world shatters even more.
Looking through the ocean of tears building in my eyes, I see a couple of free chairs to my right. Very gently, I pull away from Harper and walk us over to the empty seats.
“Is s-she here?” I ask, the words tearing chunks out of my throat.
Harper nods sporadically. “She’s in her room still, if you w-want to come s-see her?”
A sharp gasp leaves me. “P-Please.”
Somehow, she manages the strength to stand, and leads the way. We walk in the heaviest silence I’ve ever experienced, each step seemingly heavier and harder to take than the last.
I’m waiting for Harper to say she’s just kidding. That this is the meanest prank and Ella is just fine. Because how could she not be? I just saw her. She was her usual giddy self with the world’s biggest smile on her face. But as Harper opens the door to Ella’s room, I know the horrible truth.
She looks like Snow White in the glass cage in the middle of the forest. Like she’s frozen in time, waiting for her prince to come bring her to life. Right now, I hate fairy tales because they won’t save this princess, the most deserving one in all the land.
“Oh God,” I cry out and rush to her side, dropping to my knees and taking her cool hand in mine.
Harper loses it, crying louder than I’ve ever heard her. Sounds of death and the utmost heartbreak fill the room.
Her hand feels so small in mine. It shouldn’t be this small when she leaves this world. It hasn’t had a chance to grow. Why can’t she grow up? Why can’t she have more time?
How is it possibly fair that someone as good and pure as Ella can be ripped from this world in the blink of an eye? It’s not. It’s so not fucking fair.
Her bare wrist strikes me across the heart.
I grab on to the beaded bracelet on my wrist. The one I made for her that says, Princess Ella and Queen Charlotte. Besties Forever. Always.
Talking to my princess, my voice is ragged, raw, and thickened with my pain. “This is for y-you. Now, we have ones that match. I know if you were here, you would be smiling so big and so bright. You would be throwing your arms around me and never letting go. I wish more than anything that could happen. I would trade places with you if I could, El. I love you.”
I mean that. I wish I could take her place. She deserves to live on, to be happy, not to be gone.
How do I say good-bye to someone who was meant to have more time? Who was bigger than the whole sky? How do I walk out of this room, knowing it’s the last time I’ll see her? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave.
“It’s perfect,” Harper whispers, and I didn’t even realize she had stepped behind me.
Nodding, I lay my wrist beside hers. Cocoa is tucked under her arm, but the bracelet on its wrist is still visible. Three musketeers—that’s us, ready to rule the world. Although now, I’ll have to do that for all of us.
Ella was the epitome of resiliency, bravery, and sunshine. She was the person whose laugh you feel in your soul like a beam of warmth. She brightened every room she walked into. She made everyone happier and their lives better.
