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How are we supposed to accept that someone that good and pure is just gone?
I’m holding her right now. She’s right there, but so far away.
My thumb brushes her hand, and I lean down and rest my head on her arm and whisper, “Just wake up, El. Please.”
Why won’t she just wake up? She’s here. I’m touching her. But why won’t she just come back to us?
Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick.
Gently releasing her hand, I rush over to the trash can in the corner of the room and heave everything in my stomach, over and over again until I dry-heave. Someone rubs my back as I take deep breaths to calm myself down.
“It’s okay. She’s okay.” Harper’s shaky voice does little to relax the tornado tearing through my chest.
When I turn around, she hands me a tissue, and I wipe my mouth.
A nurse comes in and asks me, “Are you all right? Need some water?”
Shaking my head, I say, “No, thank you. I’m sorry that I—”
She cuts me off, holding a hand up, “Please don’t be. It’s okay.”
She collects the trash can and walks out of the room, leaving Harper and me alone with Ella. As much as I want to never leave El, there is someone who deserves to spend every second by her side and get as much time as she can. This time, it’s me who pulls Harper in for a hug.
“I love you, Charlotte. You mean so much to me. I know Ella felt the same way,” she whispers, but I can’t stop replaying one word over and over.
Felt. Past tense. Because she’s really gone. Somehow, my tears slow and my breathing evens out, and I think that my body is somehow in denial of what is happening. But for the brief moment of reprieve, I’m thankful.
“I love you guys too,” I murmur and pull away. “I’m here—don’t forget that. Call every time you need someone. I don’t care what time of day or night it is; I will answer.”
She nods and wipes underneath her eyes. The phantom outline of a smile lifts her lips, then it’s gone. “I will.”
“Do you want me to stay? Do you want to be alone?” I gasp and fight back the returning burn in my eyes.
She nods almost painfully and her voice is rough and desperate. “I need to be with her for a while longer.”
“Okay,” I whisper and force a quick smile before turning around.
As I take a step out of her room, I feel numb. Not just my mind, but my body too. I feel like someone could punch me in the face, and I wouldn’t notice it. Or maybe I just wouldn’t care.
This all feels like a dream, a terrible one, but a dream nonetheless. In a moment, I’ll sit up in bed, and the memory of this entire day will fade as reality takes over. As much as I wish that were true, I’m not waking up from this.
I never used to run from my emotions. I used to live life like Ella, with my heart on my sleeve. But when I got diagnosed, I think everything was so emotional and heightened that I got overwhelmed by it. I started blocking it out inside of letting it happen. It’s a skill I didn’t think I had, but one that I very quickly perfected.
If I don’t feel the pain of Ella’s death, then in my head, it didn’t happen. If I cry and mourn her, then it will come true. But if I can manage to keep it together, she’ll still be here. I know that’s crazy and not true, but it feels that way.
Right now, I just want to go back to bed. I want to fall asleep and go to a place where Ella and I can frolic through a field of wildflowers in oversize ball gowns and crowns. She would love that.
I don’t want to be sad right now. I don’t want to feel the absolute dread of this moment. I want to smile at the incredibly bright life she lived. I want to think about the dreams she had, the hopes she carried in every jolly step. I don’t want to be sad that she’s gone. I want to be happy that I was blessed enough to know her at all. She saved me. When I was at one of the lowest points in my life, she grabbed my hand and refused to let me go at it alone.
Walking into the waiting room, I twirl my bracelet on my wrist. She will always walk beside me. Even if I can’t see her, I know she’ll be there.
“Char?” Reed whispers.
As I look up to him, I know that, eventually, Ella would have called him Prince Reed, and I giggle at the thought.
“What happened?” he asks and takes my hands in his.
“Ella…she’s gone. Please just take me home,” is all I can manage to say as my voice shakes aggressively.
