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He didn’t wait for a response because he knew the answer, jumping into the back, and then we were off the next second.
This was what we did for each other.
Rides. Helped with food. I mean, those were the easy things we did for each other, but there was more. Ride or die. It’s how we always had been, and driving through Cain, easing into the grocery store parking lot and parking, I took a beat to appreciate them. Jordan headed in first.
Cross was right behind him, giving me a look.
I gave him a nod, indicating he should go ahead, and with a small frown, he did, but I knew he’d ask what was up with me later.
And there was something up with me, but it was nothing bad. It was just the opposite.
My biggest plight in life was finding my place. With all the bad that had happened in my life, my mom dying, getting assaulted, my dad going to prison, and so many other things, this, being here with them, was the easiest to handle of them all. It was also the most uncomfortable.
What I said to Hawk hadn’t been a lie. I meant every word.
I was a fighter. That’s what I did in life. It’s who I became. It’s who I was. It’s just how I was. I fought and I survived. The girl whom Jordan just got a number from, or the girl waiting at the house for him, those were normal girls.
Since he had broken up with Tabatha, since those girls started showing up, I hadn’t judged. I hadn’t been unfriendly. They mostly stayed away, knowing I was one of Jordan’s ‘family,’ that’s how he introduced all of us, and when they saw I was with Cross, I either got looks of envy or looks of relief. But my point is that I listened to them. I heard how they spoke, the words they used, what their hopes were, what their concerns were. Getting good grades. Passing a class. Losing ten or twenty pounds. Getting invited to certain parties, depending on who threw it, and the reasons for why hadn’t they been invited and others had, etc.
They liked makeup, dressing sexy.
A few girls came over who cared about getting a good job one day. They knew the hours of the library versus how some knew the best hour to show up at a fraternity party. Jordan wasn’t being picky, but even with the more studious girls, I still felt it.
It was just there.
A feeling. An underlying dynamic that bristled against me. It was like an allergy, working against me, and that no matter what, I wasn’t like those girls. But Hawk. The girl with the warrior braids, smoky-eye makeup, who sat in a room and talked to me about not being a liability to her family, that girl…she was like me.
She gave me heat, but I shot it back, but even then, I knew that I was like her.
We defied society rules. We fought and survived in the darkness, and somehow, we thrived among it.
Watching Jordan, how he was handling life at college, watching Zellman, even watching Cross—they were happy. And I wasn’t saying that I was unhappy, but I was lost. We were crew, and because of that, they’d been in the darkness with me. We formed out of necessity, and then that bond strengthened into a vow of family. There was no crew system anymore, here or in Roussou. It’d been disbanded. The administration had won, so what did that make us?
We weren’t fighting anymore. That seemed childish, but that world of violence, it was in me.
I was realizing that a part of me needed it. Maybe that’s why Channing sent me to Coug r Lanes. He knew exactly what I would be needing?
Yet, I didn’t know, and stepping inside the grocery store, I didn’t think I’d have it figured it out by tonight.
Coming up behind Jordan and Cross, who were both in the meat section, I skimmed the cart. There was a box of tampons. The brand and size I used.
“B. You want chicken or steak tonight?” Jordan was the one who asked.
Cross was watching me, a bit more intently than normal. He knew I had deep thoughts flowing around in my head, but I replied, “Chicken.”
He grabbed four packages, hefting them into the cart. “You’re low, right?” He was indicating the tampons. I gauged him, but he wasn’t being sarcastic or teasing. It was as if he asked if I wanted to get bread. No big deal.
I had to smile. “Yeah. I’m getting low.”
Cross met my grin with one of his.
Jordan didn’t notice. He was looking at a list. “Okay. I want to do kabobs for the group tonight. So we’ll need skewers and vegetables. Got the meat already.”
I indicated behind us. “I’ll grab the skewers. Vegetables are over there.”
