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I roll onto my side and slide her into my arms. I hold her like this for a few minutes before she starts to pull away.
“I need to use your bathroom.” She slides off the bed and instantly, her warmth is missing against my body. I decide to get up too, only grabbing the pizza before I return. She slides back into bed right after me.
“This room is definitely not you, Kaleb. Who decorated it?” We’ve finished off the pizza with a few beers, lying naked in my bed. Jade and her mouth demanded we get up so she could see my house. It’s late, I’m so damn tired that I can barely keep my eyes open while Jade all of a sudden has a second wind. Mix the time difference and the fact she slept pretty much the entire flight, it’s no wonder she’s wound up.
Even though I’m tired as fuck, it doesn’t slip past me that this is the second time she’s mentioned something is or isn’t me. She’s fooling herself, not me.
“My mom and sister,” I answer through a yawn.
“Well, I love it.” I shrug. I’ve never paid any attention to the way they decorated my home before. All I did was tell them no girly shit. No pink or purple and they could do whatever the hell they wanted. They had a damn field day, and I paid a hefty price for this dark cherry wood king size bed with matching nightstands and two dressers. It was their idea for the brown walls. I look around then notice the cream-colored vase with white orchids on a stand in the corner. My lips quirk into a smile.
“Why do you say it doesn’t look like me?” I tease then run my fingers up her bare thigh. Why the hell she has that sheet covering her perfect tits, I have no idea. My hand is halfway curled, ready to yank it off of her when she shocks the fuck out of me.
“I need time away, Kaleb. I’m going to make a call to the doctor, visit her if I can tomorrow, and then I’m going to go see my parents.” What the hell? I thought she wasn't in a hurry to see her parents.
“I’ll take you.”
“No, Kaleb. I need to get away. I need time to think, and I can’t do it when I know damn well you won’t let me.”
“We live three hours away from each other, Jade. I have a job. How the hell is that not letting you have the space you need when we won’t see each other every day?” Fuck, I’m so damn frustrated and tired. This is not what I want to discuss. I’ll give her the space she needs, even though it’s not what I think she needs, or they aren’t whom she needs. She needs me. I should be the one helping her. They may be her family, but I know through all the research I did on her that they haven’t been close since the day she enlisted.
“Go see them then. Just don’t shut me out.” I lean into her, her eyes bleeding with unspoken words.
“Let’s get some sleep.” She reaches up and tugs on my beard, detouring the answer I need to hear.
A nagging feeling sits in the pit of my gut after I shut off the light and draw her into my arms. Why the hell do I have the feeling she’s trying to tell me goodbye?
~~~~
I know she’s gone before I even open my eyes. We fell asleep with me holding her close, and now as I tilt my head to the side she was sleeping on, she’s gone. Obviously, she called someone to pick her up. I’ll be damned if I chase after her. I’ve laid it all out the best I can. The rest is up to her. I may care about her, but I sure as hell won’t push her into something she claims she isn’t ready for.
Stretching my sore body before I climb out of bed, I feel the burn of pulling my muscles taut surging through my veins. God, it feels good to be home. Even though I was only gone for a week or so, it seems like forever. Christ, I stink like foreign soil. I showered in Germany, but there isn’t anything like a shower in your own home.
Tossing the covers off, I clamber my still tired ass into my bathroom, crank the knob in my walk- in shower, and take a piss while the water warms. The quiet is such a reprieve from the sound of gunshots, bombs, and screaming men and women from a few days ago. You would think I would be used to this kind of shit. Truth is, you never get used to seeing someone’s brains being splattered all over the place. Or a woman screaming at you for killing the man she loves.
War takes its toll on every damn part of the body. The sleepless nights tossing and turning on a cot that’s not only uncomfortable as hell but way too damn small for the body. The brain is working overtime, everyone scared out of their goddamn minds. It never gets easier. The reward behind doing the job you were delegated and trained to do is what gives you the will to survive, knowing you’re keeping your country and the citizens safe from the perils of the enemy.
That’s my biggest reason right there for not calling Jade. She needs to deal with what happened, in her own way. On her own time. I’ll give her a week or so before I find her. The first time is the hardest of them all. It doesn’t matter how much they psychoanalyze your brain; drill a damn hole in your head and fill it with the fact that the enemy will kill you unless you strike first. It’s a vicious circle that spins inside of you until you blow it up your own damn self.
I lean my head forward in the shower, letting the steam and the hot water clear my mind. I learned a long time ago to let that shit go. It’s my job. I do it well, and I’ll do it again if the need arises.
I grab my soap and scrub the hell out of my body, washing away the last traces of this mission. No more. I’m done thinking about it until I help her.
After drying off and finishing my morning routine, I throw on a pair of worn jeans and a navy t-shirt. Slipping into my boots, I make my way down the hall and to the kitchen, leaving my bed unmade. It may be unusual that I don’t want to make it. I don’t give a shit. The idea of knowing she was in my bed at all makes me want to leave it all crumpled to hell.
“Hey, fuckhead!” I shout into the phone where I placed it on the counter before walking to the other side of the kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the fridge. It’s eleven in the morning, too damn late for coffee.
“Fuck off. Wait, you’ve been fucking off for a week now. Get your ass in here so I can leave and find me some hot piece of ass to take home and fuck.” Some things will never change. I shake my head as I listen to my partner carrying on about how deprived his dick has been since I’ve been gone. He’s so full of fucking shit. That man will fuck any goddamn thing. He’s a hundred times worse than I’ve ever been. My desire to pick up other women vanished the minute I saw Jade. I shake her from my mind and chug down the entire bottle of water, toss the empty plastic into the garbage, snatch the phone off of the counter, and head out the front door. “Whatever, fucker. I’ll be there in a few,” I tell him before I end the call in the middle of him bitching.
I stare down at my phone. The urge to call her is grinding away at my gut. Instead, I toss the phone into the empty passenger seat and grab my shades and my ball cap. I’m giving her the space she asked for, for now anyway.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JADE
I knew the moment I woke up drenched in sweat, my entire body trembling from the nightmare that won’t leave my damn mind, that I had to leave. It didn’t matter that the sun was set to rise. I had to get the hell out of there before I woke him. The man has been through enough shit to have to deal with a wacked-out woman who can’t handle what she has been trained to do. I don’t need coddled, or for anyone to tell me I will be alright. I need to do this my way.
So what did I do? Like a coward, I fumbled through the dark of his bedroom. Found all of my clothes and tiptoed out of his room. Found a half bath in the hallway and quickly got dressed, picked up my bag from the floor where he dropped it, and quietly exited his house. Called a cab to pick me up. My eyes stayed glued to his front door, praying he wouldn’t notice I was gone. It wasn’t until I pulled away that I let out a deep breath he didn’t wake. Not that I wouldn’t have left anyway, but I couldn’t deal with seeing the look on his face. He wants to help, I appreciate him for that. But how can anyone help me if I don’t try to help myself?
