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By the time the cab driver dropped me off to retrieve my car, my nerves were frantic and my chest was so very tight. Every noise had me jumping. It was like gunfire to my ears, strangling me and making it hard to breathe, not to mention hard to drive. Turning on the radio to some random classical station to drown out the noises from outside, I made my way down the road and away from Commander Kaleb Maverick.
By the time I made the three-hour drive to my apartment, thankful my roommate was already gone to work, I was a mess and coated in sweat. My chest was aching to the point I felt like I was having a heart attack as anxiety swarmed around me.
By the time I was inside my apartment, my hands were shaking so bad I dropped the card my superior officer handed me on the floor twice before falling to my knees in a crying mess. Through tear-stained eyes I managed to dial the psychiatrist’s number. I attempted to gain some sort of control before speaking to her receptionist, but not enough that she didn’t recognize the panic in my voice before she placed me on hold, returning shortly to tell me to be there within the hour.
So here I am. Sitting in the office of Doctor Simone Randall. Her office is cheery and bright. Her coal-black hair is pulled back with those old metal clips on each side like my grandmother used to use. Her eyes are kind and sympathetic. She’s not showing me pity, just warmth and understanding, as if she knows exactly what I’ve been through. This is the first time I feel a sliver of hope.
“We both know what’s brought you here today, Jade. Anything you tell me stays between the two of us. It’s strictly confidential. My report back to your superior officer will only state whether I feel you need more time or whether you’re ready to perform your job duties,” she says honestly.
“Thank you,” I tell her.
“I haven’t had the chance to look over much of this. To be quite honest, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for a few days. However, my job is to help you and listen to you. You tell me where you want to start. I’ll stop you if I have questions.” I’m in love with her already. Don’t ask me how I know this. Maybe it’s her non-judgmental demeanor or the clarity in her tone. I don’t know, but when I start to tell her how difficult it is for me to handle the fact that I shot a young boy, her words back to me make sense. It’s something I knew all along, but hearing it from a person who wasn’t out there, or from someone who thinks they know what’s best for me, puts a whole new perspective on my troubling mind.
“I think it’s good for you that you have some time off and stay away from the base where it’s going to remind you of the trauma you’ve endured. However, I would like to recommend you not isolate yourself from everyone. Nightmares are going to come and go, Jade, and with those nightmares comes the difficulty of sleeping.” Then she surprises me with her next request. My brain desperately tries to understand why she thinks this would help me.
“One thing I did see in your file is that you lost a brother. Would you like to talk about that at all?” I’m not sure if I do. That’s one of the reasons why I need to make peace with my parents. Why I need to feel normal before I make the drive across town to see them. My older brother Jason committed suicide almost two years ago after his second tour in Iraq. He hid his symptoms of PTSD from us all. The police found him two days later, after he took his life by jumping off a bridge. It destroyed my parents; a part of all of us died that day with Jason.
By the time I’ve left her office with another appointment for the day after tomorrow and a mild anti-anxiety prescription, I know exactly the first place I need to go to begin this journey of healing.
~~~~
“I’m here, Jason.” I am kneeling on the ground in front of my brother’s grave. There’s just enough light left on the horizon for me to see his name engraved and the words ‘Forever in our Hearts’ below his name.
“I’m sorry it’s been so long. I don’t have an excuse, and I won’t make one up. I miss you.” I trace my fingers over his name. The tears fall freely and I let them.
“I’m struggling, Jason. I need you to give me strength to get through this. You already know what happened, what I did. There’s no need for me to tell you. I love my job and what it stands for. I would kill that young boy all over again to save my team. It’s just… I can’t get the image of how young he was out of my head. It’s haunting my soul. It’s tragic and I’m scared.” My forehead goes to the cold stone and I cry. I’m so tired, weak, and drained.
I’m not sure how long I stay there with my head up against his headstone with fond memories imploring my mind. It’s dark on a warm night with a million stars in the sky by the time I gather myself and thank my brother for listening. It’s a figment of my imagination upon walking away when I hear his speech reaffirm what I already know.
“You’ll get there, Jade. The hardest part about war is the battle we have within ourselves. We struggle with it daily. For some it may never go away, but for you it will. You have to believe it, believe in yourself, believe in your country, and don’t shut people out.”
I turn my phone on the minute I get into my car, checking my messages before I leave to go see my parents. I’m surprised when there is one from Harris, and one from my roommate, and none from Kaleb. A part of me is hurt that he never called or texted to check up on me, while the other part is somewhat relieved. Maybe he’s going to give me the space I asked for and let me figure this out on my own.
I check the voicemail from Mallory first. “I’m going to kick your ass. How dare you come home and not call me first? You better call me right now, Jade Elliott, or I will snap your tiny ass in two. Call me now!” I laugh at her obnoxious behavior. The bitch knows how this shit works. Hell, her father is a retired officer from the Navy. I listen to Harris’ message through my Bluetooth as I pull out of the cemetery, eager to see my parents.
“Hey. I’m heading to my ranch in Alabama for the weekend. Thought maybe a change of scenery might do you good. Call me if you’d like to go.” That’s it. Short and to the point. No flirtation in his tone at all. I know Harris all too well. My intuition about him knowing there is something going on between Kaleb and I is spot on. Kaleb told him. I know he did, and I should wring his thick, muscular, corded neck for opening his big mouth, but instead I feel relieved. I’m not in the mood for Harris and his sexual advances. What I am in the mood for is a nice weekend away. Riding horses, which I’ve never done before in my life.
Dialing Mallory, I prepare for the chaos of her excitement. She's exactly whom I need to be around right now, but she's the one person, who can read straight through my emotions. She’ll never ask specifics; she’ll just get that I've had a rough time.
“Did you really wait twenty-four hours to check in with me? Jade Elliott, there'd better be a story about one hot night of sex as an explanation of yourself.”
“Hi Mal, I'm home.” I avoid her interrogation and try to move the conversation along. I’m going to keep everything I’ve been through with Maverick to myself. She’d get caught up in the would-haves and should-haves and drive me insane.
“Tell me you're on your way here now! I’m going to take the next few days off if you are.” Mal may get excited about things and cause me to internally flinch at her energy, but honestly, she’s exactly what I need right now. Girl time will do me wonders after being around so much constant testosterone.
“I'm going to stop by my parents’ house for a few days maybe. But what I really need to do is stand my ass in a hot shower for hours.”
“Your parents?” She knows this is a very awkward situation for me and that I haven’t spoken with them in a while. It’s been nearly two years since Jason's funeral, and I think I've only talked to them twice. I just couldn't handle looking at the loss in my mom's eyes when my heart matched her emotions exactly. I know she was worried I'd turn up the same, but what she doesn't understand is, I was already just like Jason before he died. There's not possibly any way I could become more like the guy I looked up to my entire childhood. He was my hero. He fought for my country and for my freedom.
He would share stories with me he wouldn't share with anyone else. I was his outlet and through all of that, we shared a closeness I've never felt with either of my other three brothers. A part of me died when he died.
“Yes. It’s time. I miss them.” She doesn't continue to question me. If she wants to know any more than that, she doesn’t ask. She knows I can't tell her anything about where I’ve been or what I’ve done. I need quiet time to myself to sort all of this out before I see her.
“And then you're mine!”
“Yep.” My mind slips back to Kaleb with the word mine. The way he said he wanted me to be his and the way he has a way of claiming me every time we're together frustrates me. This trip will do me good.
“Hey. How do you feel about Alabama?”
