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"Well, if you want me to get through this without getting distracted," he murmured, and he leaned over and kissed me. I smiled into the kiss, letting the taste of the wine on his lips and of me on his tongue sweep me away once more. So much had felt out of my control recently, but this, being with him, this was totally and utterly mine. This made me feel powerful, wanted, as though nothing could shake me from the space that I was taking up. And I never wanted to lose that. And, now that he had invited me to come with him to Orkney – I knew that I never would.
Chapter fifteen
Epilogue: You get what you need
Theairwascoolas it swept over the beach that morning; for once, it wasn’t raining, though the trails of mist over the water threatened something different. For now, though, I would take what I could get.
"Hey, buddy," I murmured, and I leaned down to let Roe, our black Labrador, off the lead. He happily bounded across the sand, spooking a couple of the birds who had been minding their own business and pecking out some food from the sand. I grinned; those mornings when I didn’t feel as bright or happy, my buddy could always lift my mood.
I paused for a moment, inhaled the air; when I had first arrived here, nearly six months ago, I had been able to taste the salt in the sky, and it had made everything feel so foreign and new and different. These days, though, I hardly noticed it. I supposed I was becoming a local. Fitting in. That was a nice thought, after all this time.
I could still remember, vividly, the day that I had told Mallory that I was leaving – it was the day that I had realized that everything had come together, the day that it had all become real as opposed to some fantasy I was hanging on to just for myself.
"You’re kidding, right?" Mallory gasped. "You’re moving?"
"Joseph asked me to come with him," I told her gently. I hadn’t given her a pre-warning about the fact that I was going to head out of my job at the school, either, and I knew that she was still taking time to wrap her head around that. This must have been a bombshell.
"And you’re going to go?" She replied, her eyes wide. "Just like that?”
I reached over the table to take her hand. She had been such a support in the time that I had needed her most, and the least I could do was try to help her through this now that I was going.
"It’s not just like that," I promised her. "We’ve talked it over, so much of it. I know that this is what I want. I know this is what I need."
"Are you really sure about this?" She asked, clearly worried. "I don’t want you to feel like you have to just...run away, now that all of this has happened."
"I’m not running away," I assured her. "I’m runningtosomething. I know, I had to think about it for a while too, but I know this is what I want to do."
"But he’s still working on the rig...?”
"He’s got a job as an engineer now, somewhere closer to the shore," I explained. "So he’s going to be around. All the time. We’re going to live together, and he’s going to-"
"You’re going to live together?" She asked. It felt like everything I said, she was having to stop me dead in my tracks. I knew that all of this was huge, but seeing her reactions to it were just reminders of how huge they were.
"And we’re thinking of starting a family," I confessed. This time, Mallory’s face just lit up as soon as she heard the words come out of my mouth. She clasped her hand to her chest, utter delight, utter shock.
"Are you pregnant?" She asked, and I shook my head. I had never told her about the truth of my fertility. But in that moment, I saw no reason to hold back any longer; I had spent long enough in my life feeling like I had something to hide, but maybe this was a chance to unburden myself of everything that I had carried alone for so long.
"I can’t get pregnant," I told her finally, after a long pause. "I...I’ve never been able to. That’s why it ended with me and him before, because I couldn’t have children. I never told you about it because I was ashamed, I guess..."
"Oh my God," she gasped, and she paused for a moment to gather herself. "I’m so sorry you ever felt like that around me. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know that," I agreed. "I just had to come to terms with it myself first."
"So what are you going to do?”
"I’m going to look into adoption," I explained. "That’s what we want to do. I know it’s going to be a long process, but I want to start a family with him. Out there. I really do."
"Oh my God, I’m going to miss you so much," Mallory told me, and she suddenly dived over the table to give me a tight hug.
"Hey, I’m not going to be gone forever," I protested with a laugh. "And you know that when we do get these kids, they’re going to need their auntie Mallory around to help take care of them, right?"
"Of course," she agreed. "And there’s no way I’m not going to be there to take care of them any chance I get. I’m going to be the most obnoxious aunt the world has ever seen."
"I should hope so," I replied, and she pulled back and looked at me. She looked a little teary, but there was a wide smile on her face.
"I’m so happy for you," she told me, and I could tell that she meant it. "I know how much you’ve wanted this for so long."
"I really have," I agreed, and she squeezed my hands tight and I knew that she was behind me every single step of the way. I was going to have such a hard time moving so far from her, but I knew this was the right choice; I needed that time, that space, that ability to stand on my own. To prove that the life I’d had back here wasn’t where it started and ended.
