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“I already told you you don’t have to thank me,” he replies quietly. “What time is it?” he asks, looking for his phone.
“It’s three thirty,” I reply.
Letting out a sigh, he looks despondent. “I have to work tonight. I can cancel my appointments, though, if you need?—”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “Don’t do that. Caleb will be home soon. And I’m fine.”
The moment those two words—I’m fine—leave my lips, I feel how untrue they are. Dean seems to notice as well, his brow furrowing as he gently works his way out from behind Abby.
When he stands, I fall easily into his arms.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, his lips pressed to my hair.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper. “I don’t know how I feel.”
Gently, I pull Dean from the living room to the kitchen so we don’t wake Abby. I quietly start to make a cup of tea, pouring water into the kettle to boil. He stands behind me, stoically keeping close and patiently waiting. He asked if I wanted to talk about it, so I do.
“When I saw that streak of blood on the toilet paper today, my first reaction was relief. And then guilt for that relief,” I say, facing away from him. The moment I say those thoughts out loud, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Something about Dean is safe. So I continue.
“My emotions ricocheted so fast in my mind that I started to feel crazy. How could I possibly feel relief when we have been trying for a baby for so long? HowdareI?”
“Let me stop you right there,” he says coldly from behind me. “You are allowed to feel however you feel, Briar. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your emotions.”
I scoff. “My mother says God has a plan. It will happen when God intends it to.” My face twists in anguish. “What kind of God would do this to us? Tome? God does not decide.Idecide. Caleb and I decide.”
“And what would you decide?” he whispers. “If it were up to you, what would you choose?”
I’m getting so angry my hand is gripping the counter, my knuckles white from the intensity. “I felt relief, Dean. I felt relief because deep down, I don’t want a baby anymore.”
Saying that out loud leaves me feeling cold and empty. As if the lie I’ve been telling myself for years has been the only thing keeping me alive. But I’m not sad. A single tear doesn’t fall from my eyes. Not even when his arms wrap around me from behind and he holds me tightly. I lean into his embrace, feeling free for the first time in a very long time.
It’s like I’ve just handed myself my own life back.
“You may change your mind, and you may not,” he mumbles against the side of my face. “But you don’t have to feel bad either way. There’s no right answer here, Briar.”
Spinning around, I wrap myself up in his embrace. We stand there for a while when the teapot starts to whistle and we both jump from the sound. He releases me, and I retrieve a cup from the cabinet, and he watches as I stir honey in with the tea.
“I meant what I said,” he adds. “I can reschedule my appointment.”
I shake my head. “Dean, you love your job.”
“Yeah, well…” His voice trails off, and my hand stills as I stare at him. Lifting his fierce blue eyes to my face, he adds, “I love you more.”
I nearly drop the mug in my hand as I set it clumsily on the counter and rush back into his arms. It feels wrong to hear another man say he loves me, but God, I needed to hear it. I already knew I loved Dean, but I would have never said it to spare him from the complexities of everything between us.
I look up at him as he takes my mouth in a warm, tender kiss. The feel of his tongue sliding against mine nearly makes me forget everything.
“You don’t have to say it back,” he whispers. “I know how hard and complicated this is.”
“But I do, you know,” I reply.
His lips stretch in a smirk before kissing my cheeks, one at a time. “I know you do.”
* * *
The door closes, and I glance up from the book in my lap to see Caleb walking in from work. He yanks at his tie as he walks over to the couch and kisses me on the head.
“Sorry I’m late,” he mutters with a yawn. “Work piled up.”
