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Now we’re getting somewhere.
The room grows silent as Caleb and I stare at each other. His younger brother Isaac has been a red-button topic for as long as I’ve known Caleb.
It was a couple years before Abby was born when Isaac ran away from home without a word. To say his family has harbored some pretty deep scars from the entire thing would be a grand understatement.
So I tread lightly on the topic.
“Is the reason you want to say no to this because the guy works at the sex club or because…” My voice trails off as he looks up from the floor to my face. The weight of what I’m implying lies heavily between us.
That my husband can’t bear to be around somebody tied to Isaac.
That the guilt of even seeing him might be too much to handle.
That he feels any guilt at all.
“I don’t know,” he mumbles to himself.
Dropping into the chair in the corner, he props his elbows onto his legs and runs his fingers through his hair.
A piece of my chest aches to see him in so much distress. It’s as if I can feel the anxiety that courses through him as it courses through me, too.
Quietly crossing the room, I brush my fingers through his soft brown hair and pull his head toward me, letting him rest it against my lower belly. For a moment, he allows himself to melt into me.
As I caress my fingers down his neck, I speak gently. “I can’t make this decision for you. I know how hard it is, but just keep in mind that we can always protect Abby. No matter who rents that room above the garage. And whatever you decide, you don’t have to decide it alone.”
He wraps his large arms around my legs, tugging me closer. And even though I know he’s struggling, I love this feeling.
I love knowing that he needs me.
I love feeling as if we’re in this together.
I miss this.
I can only imagine the river of thoughts, feelings and fears running through Caleb’s mind right now. I just wish he would voice them. I wish he’d let me hear every single one.
But I know better.
I know that my husband is strong but silent. He sees his purpose as protecting us, no matter the cost. And I know to him that means to bear the burden alone.
But just once, I wish he would letmeprotecthim.
“Mama,” a small voice calls from the kitchen. “I’m done.”
“Okay, peanut. I’ll be right out,” I holler back.
Caleb tilts his head up toward me, and I stare down into those disarming eyes I fell in love with ten years ago.
With a shrug, I say, “I think it’d be fun to have someone new around. I’m sure your mom would love to help me fix up the room for him.”
Caleb’s expression turns contemplative. I don’t know the reason he finally changes his mind. Maybe deep down, he sees helping this man as a way of helping his brother. Or relieving himself from some of the guilt he feels.
But with a soft nod, he finally says, “I’m going to tell Adam yes, then.”
My smile softens. “Okay.”
“Okay,” he echoes.
Then I run my fingers through his hair again and lean down to press my lips to his.
