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The memories came hitting me at a million miles per hour as I laid my eyes upon the gracious Dr. Green. She was as pretty as mature women get. A plump and voluptuous person with bright green eyes and short blonde hair.
“I see you got my message from Abigail, but first, how are you feeling, Azzaria?” She said, sharing a pleasant warm and welcoming smile with me.
“I’m feeling very uneasy. I did get the message from Abigail, and I’m sorry for leaving so suddenly. Things just got too much to bear.” My chuckle of awkwardness filled the room, and she glanced at me, her smile fading.
“It’s my fault for letting you off so easily, but that won’t happen this time around. I looked at your file, and the last thing we spoke about was your dad. So, let’s pick up where we left off.”
“He’s still alive.” That’s all I could manage to say.
“Let’s use this approach. Tell me about how you’ve handled being around him or how often he comes around you.”
“He doesn’t come around me much, but I have fear when he’s around my mom. She sees him a lot more, and she’s not as sturdy as I am. When he’s there, my brain either shuts down or I violently retaliate by throwing things or lashing harsh words at him. He doesn’t get phased by them, but I still do it.”
“If you know he’s not impacted by the retaliation, why do you still take that approach?”
“Because I want him to feel even a quarter of the pain he has let me and my mom feel over the years.”
“I’m leaning towards diagnosing you with intermittent explosive disorder or just borderline temperament. It’s when you’ve faced so much trauma that your brain gives you the only option when faced by your abuser, and that’s anger. You get frequent outbursts or impulsive anger when they’re near you. While you might love that approach,” she paused and looked at me for a while, “I think we should revisit and revise the approach.”
“How?” Her smile at this point was more malicious and telling than before.
“Let’s go back to the root of the problem and see how best we can evaluate it. Why do you hate your father?”
The real question to ask is why don’t I hate him? And there’s still not an answer.
“He’s a bad person, to say the least.”
“I know, we’ve covered that, but what did he do to you that was so bad?” My body stiffened, and the tears were forming. I’m not prepared for this, but it’s too late to go back now. “I’ll give you time. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.” That gave me an added amount of comfort.
“My dad molested me for the majority of my childhood. He would let me do sexual things with him, he’d beat me, shove me, and potentially use my curling iron to burn parts of my breasts. He beat my mom too. When she got pregnant with my sister, he beat the child to death. He’s a drunk and a drug addict.” As distraught as I felt, a feeling of settle and release came over me.
“Let me take the time to extend how sorry I am, but I’m well aware that you don’t want anyone’s pity, so I won’t give it to you.” Finally, someone who gets it. Everyone thinks that all we want is pity or that all we want is to be heard and let people feel bad for us. Definitely not.
We just want to put the story out there, so other victims aren’t too scared to do the same. “Your father is a menace. Did you ever report this to anyone else? Or ever told anyone else? How did you find your body reacting to all that happened? Tell me about Leann’s reaction. How did she react to it? What did she do? I remember her always being protective of you. Did that have anything to do with it?”
“My mom found out before I told her. She noticed my different behaviors over the years, and when I was about 8 or 9, she asked me if everything was okay and if I needed to talk to someone, I could talk to her. I eventually told her everything, and she believed me. She gathered enough money to get us long-term restraining orders against him, and she bought this tiny place on 5th Avenue. We gradually moved out, but while all of that was happening, he was still abusing us. One weekend he left, and we were out of that place. It hurt to leave my home. That’s what I knew as home, and it sucked. We went into hiding, and I had to stop school. My mom changed her entire physical personality and worked three jobs to sustain me. I was sent to the hospital to get tested and treated, and the bills were way too much. She hit it off with a doctor, and my dad came back, found out, and beat the hell out of the man. The rest is history.”
“Does it still have lingering effects?”
“Every day.”
“Before we move on, let’s go from the top.” I nodded in agreement that I was paying attention, and she smiled and acknowledged that. “We established grounds with your father. We know where he stands in your life and all the things that you have to be mindful of. We spoke about your relationship with your mother and her level of support. Now, let’s move on to talking about your triggers, present-day life, relationships, effects, and medication. It sounds very hefty, but I promise you we have a purpose with all of this, and as the sessions go by, you’ll be a lot stronger and more comfortable with the life you have now.”This was what I needed, and if it was the one thing I’d do for myself, it would be this.
“Alright. Let’s do it.” My tone and body language were all giving hints of agreement. So she knew I was comfortable and serious.
“What would you say are some things that triggered you in the past?”
“Bright lights, loud noises, when unknown men touch me, I can’t eat anything related to fish because that’s all my dad gave me, and I’m terrified of planes. Haven’t been on one for the past fifteen years, and I don’t plan on doing air travel anytime soon.”
“Do they still affect you now?”
“Everything except being touched by unknown men and the eating of fish.” She gave a perplexed glance as she jotted down these for file purposes. “I’m hyper-sexual. There was a time where I’d have sex just to get a sense of feeling, but other times I’d be highly disgusted by the thought of sex with men.”
She analyzed my face for a second and took in all the words I was saying. “Alright. Hyper-sexuality due to sexual abuse is a very common effect, if not the most common effect there is. Are you still hyper-sexual?”
“Yeah, but I haven’t done anything with anyone in a while.”
“Understood. Let’s get you a way to manage the triggers, but before that, how often are you affected by the triggers or is it when the opportunity presents itself?”
