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I scramble for words, but I’m at a loss, so I end up repeating myself. “I’m sorry. I know how much you liked her.”
He looks like he’s on the verge of tears. “I didn’t like her, Tris. I was in fucking love with her. I still am.” He rubs his chest. “Fuck. I thought we would move in together this summer. We were looking at graduate programs together. We applied to all the same places. And now I find out she’s been talking to this other guy in one of her classes. Like, how long have I been missing the signs?” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “Love fucking sucks.”
I hate that I can’t fix this for him. He looks wrecked. “You need to come for a visit? I can get you a train ticket. You can stay with me. I’m not traveling until next week,” I offer. “Or I can fly you to an away game.”
“I would if I didn’t have exams in a couple of weeks. The timing of this is just shit.” He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. “She told me I wasn’t emotionally available enough. That I didn’t show her I care enough. I told her I loved her. I don’t know what else she wanted from me. What else did she need?”
I blow out a breath. I always felt like Nate had it together better than I did when it came to relationships. He had a girlfriend in high school for two years. And he dated another girl his freshman year of university. Both of those breakups sucked, but they have nothing on this one. Watching my brother fall apart over a woman scares the shit out of me. “I don’t know, man. I’m probably not the best person to go to for relationship advice.”
“You and Rix have been together for a while, though, right? And you’ve dated a lot,” Nate says.
“Well, I don’t know if I’d use the term dated to describe what I’ve been doing, and Bea and I have only been seeing each other for a few months. It’s not the same,” I argue. We spend a lot of time together, and we have a lot of sex, but we don’t have a label. The closest I’ve gotten is calling her my girl. Labels feel like unnecessary pressure. Like there’s more at stake. Like I have more to lose.
Nate’s brow furrows. “But you’re in love with her.”
I immediately reject that possibility. “No, I’m not.”
Nate’s expression turns incredulous. “Bro.”
I swallow past the sudden lump in my throat. “What?”
“Dude, there are media shots of the two of you together. It’s pretty obvious you’re into each other.”
“Yeah. We have a good time together, and I like her, but it’s not serious.”
Even I realize that sounds like a lie coming out of my mouth. I’ve been fighting my feelings for Bea for a while. Not putting a label on it isn’t going to make the way I feel about her go away. Neither is trying to stuff them into a box and keep them there. As I sit here, arguing with my heartbroken brother, I realize he might be right, and fuck if I want to end up in the same position as him. He’s gutted, and they were together for a year. He’s way nicer than I am, better at relationships. Nate was planning their future, and she just bailed.
“All right. Whatever you say.” He glances away, maybe so I can’t see his watery eyes. “I gotta go. I’ve got class in half an hour, and I need to get my shit together.”
“I’ll text you later. Check in to see how you’re doing, okay?” I say.
“Yeah, that sounds good. But can you not tell Dad, please? He was excited to see Lisa over the holidays, and I can’t deal with the disappointment right now.”
Our dad is a big fan of Lisa, so I understand his concerns. And he’s asked if I’m bringing Bea. I said I wasn’t sure, assuming she’d go north to visit her parents for at least part of the holidays. “It’ll stay between us,” I assure him.
I end the call and stare at the ceiling for a few minutes. Seeing Nate wrecked like this freaks me out, especially because the more I think about it, the more I realize he’s right. I’m in love with Bea. But I’m not good at long term. I haven’t attempted a real relationship since the one in high school blew up.
Being in love with Bea isn’t something I know how to deal with. Nate and Lisa went to the same university. I travel too much, my life is hockey, and my contract is up at the end of the season. The odds that it could work aren’t fantastic. And Bea’s last relationship ended because he moved across the country. Getting invested feels like I’m setting myself up for failure. I’ll let her down eventually, and she’ll leave. And then I’ll be alone, again. Except I’ll have a giant hole in my chest where Bea used to be.
