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Even if Toronto renews, I don’t know how long I’ll be here. And I could still end up anywhere in North America come June. Bea needs stability. Hell, she deserves it, considering how unstable so much of her life has been. It’s not like she’ll move across the country with me if I get traded. Unless it was Vancouver. Then she’d at least have Essie. But I don’t want her to do that, anyway. What if I fuck shit up again and she’s stuck in some province or state with just me? She’d be miserable.
I’m off my game during practice, the conversation with my brother weighing on me. When I get to Bea’s, she’s on a video call with Essie. She’s got her earbuds in. It’s a common occurrence these days. But it reinforces all the shit rolling around in my head. That I won’t be enough for her. That I’ll fuck this up, and she’ll get tired of dealing with me and my bullshit. That she’ll walk away again.
“Just give me two minutes.” She ushers me inside. “Tristan just got here. Yeah. Next week, same time works for me. I know. I’m so excited that you’ll be home for the holidays. I need my Essie fix like nobody’s business. We can go to all the Christmas markets. And you can help me look for new recipes to try out. Oh! And I want to show you the plan I’ve been working on. Yeah. I’m stoked.” Her eyes are all lit up. “Yeah. I know. I was looking at some really cool night courses. I might even be able to take one this winter, which would be amazing. We can talk about that when you’re here. And we’ll go to a game. You can meet all the guys. We’ll check the winter schedule and see if there’s a Vancouver game I could come your way for, especially since I can start taking vacation days.” There’s a pause, presumably while Essie speaks. Then Bea laughs. “I know. I can’t wait either. We’ll have sleepovers, and I’ll get the girls together for a night in, so we can include Tally. We’ll have a blast.” Another pause. “Miss you! Love you too!” Kissy noises. “Talk soon.”
She ends the call and sets her phone on the counter, pulling out the earbuds. “Hey. Sorry about that.”
“What kind of courses are you looking at?” It’s the first I’ve heard of this, apart from when I mentioned it on that secret date we went on.
“Just a nutrition class. It’s no big deal.”
“It kind of seems like a big deal, though, since it’s kind of your passion.”
She shrugs. “I haven’t even applied, and they only have so many spots, so it might not even happen.” She wraps her arms around my neck and smiles up at me. “How was practice?”
I want to push this more, but I don’t have the bandwidth for it. Not tonight. Instead, I settle a hand on her hip and let her pull my mouth down to hers. But I don’t make a move to deepen the kiss. Everything feels off. Wrong. Like I’m standing outside myself, watching this happen instead of experiencing it. Like I’m encased in concrete—my emotions too. “Not great.”
She pulls back, lips tugging down at the corners. “Did something happen?”
“Nate’s going through some stuff.” A year plus down the drain. And he’s heading into exams. It could affect his grades, along with everything else. If Bea leaves me, how will I handle that? The thought of her walking away makes me feel ill, and it’s only been a few months. How bad will it be a year from now? Two? Longer? It was bad enough when she moved out. That kind of hurt will destroy me. We haven’t been together long, and already she’s woven herself into my everyday. If that disappears, if she disappears, I’ll have this massive hole. In my life. In my chest. It won’t be like my mom leaving, either. At least I can’t run into her. But Bea is my best friend’s sister. I’ll know what’s going on in her life. She’ll find someone else, love someone else, and it won’t be me.
Her hands settle on my chest. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” Because then I risk telling her how I feel. I’m in love with her. I don’t see how she could feel the same, be in so deep she can’t see straight.
Her smile is soft, uncertain. “Do you need a distraction?”
“Maybe, yeah.” I’m drowning in fucking feelings. Falling on them like swords. It’s pain and fear, and it’s eviscerating me from the inside. My heart is in a vise, and the ache just keeps expanding.
“Okay. I can do that for you.” Her hands skate down my chest, and she finds my belt buckle. She undoes my pants, pulls her shirt over her head, and unclasps her bra, letting it fall to the floor as she drops to her knees in front of me.
