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We all walked out into the quad. I probably should have taken a shower. I didn’t care enough to actually do it. I rubbed my eyes, the days-old stubble on my face scratchy as my hand slid over it. I pulled the hood up on my hoodie, trying to hide myself from the prying eyes I knew would be out there.
I glanced at the flyer as we passed a utility pole. It was starting to fade from the elements after a couple of weeks up there. It was the one closest to the spot where I’d first spoken to Jamie, and it had been the first one we’d put up on campus. We made them with one of my pictures, the one I gave the police, and which had been used in all the news reports and social media posts. It was a photo of him from the chest up, in a black T-shirt, with a huge smile on his beautiful face. It looked perfectly like Jamie to me, more than any of the other pictures I had because his true self shone through in it. It was perfectly who he was. Happy, despite everything he’d been through. Still amazed by the world, even the little things. Free. Laughing. MISSING. I hated that word over his photo. I managed to stop another sob from escaping as we walked.
People whispered all the time. I heard them every time I left my dorm room, which, to be fair, wasn’t that often after the search and rescue was called off. But I heard them, they talked about Jamie and sometimes about me. They couldn’t believe that a fellow student had gone missing. That someone at school had a real stalker, especially one that would go so far. They couldn’t believe that the police were now looking for the body of a person they’d sat by in class, walked past in the quad, maybe whispered about as he passed by.
People were also starting to comprehend how close I’d been to him, even if they didn’t have it all pieced together. I knew I’d given it away since he’d been missing, but really, if they’d paid attention before they would have seen it even then. My love for him overflowed. I was surely not that good at hiding it. I guess they just hadn’t been looking that hard. I guess I’d done such a good job of decorating that box that no one had ever even thought to look.
A couple of girls nearby were speaking in hushed tones as we walked by them on our way to the library. I heard my own name and my ears perked up. Caitlin and Amber heard it, too, and as they walked in front of me, I could almost see their hackles rise. The two gossipy girls hadn’t noticed us, and to be honest, most people had to do a double take to realize it was me, with the under-eye circles, wild hair, and unshaven face.
They were stopped near another of the missing flyers as they spoke. One of them was saying, “…heard that Caden Conner completely flipped out in the courtroom. He was strangling the guy, and they said he almost killed him before the cops could even get over there. He was demanding to know where Jamie was.”
The other girl spoke up, “I still can’t believe it happened. You know he was a stripper, right? He worked at that gay club, and that’s where the guy first saw him. But do you think him and Caden…I mean, Renee said sometimes Caden had trouble when they were…” her voice trailed off as she noticed us walking by.
I looked at them for a few seconds, but finally looked away again. To be clear, there was one time I’d been too drunk with Renee to properly think about someone else, namely that hot guy I always saw in the quad who wore skirts sometimes, and couldn’t get it up. What a bitch for spreading that shit about me at my lowest, but I really didn’t care what anyone said about me. I didn’t care about anything other than finding Jamie. Caitlin and Amber did care, though, and they were both glaring at the girls who were gossiping by the poster. The girls scurried away, probably to go somewhere more private so they could continue their speculation about my love life in peace.
I ignored the other stares and questioning looks as I shuffled my way across campus behind my friends. They were acting like little bulldogs, glaring at all the staring people as though they were my bodyguards, which was ridiculous. I was over a head taller than either of them, and I could have bench pressed them both at the same time. They were ready, though, to attack anyone who looked at me wrong. I wanted to hug them, but if I had, I would have started crying.
When we reached the library, I discovered who Caitlin had been texting. Jeff and Jesse, instead of being in the classes they were supposed to be in, were already there waiting for us. They didn’t look like they were there for an intervention, so maybe it wasn’t that Caitlin had been telling them I was definitely crazy. Maybe she hadn’t been reporting my condition but calling for help.
Jesse gave me a sympathetic look, but said, “Let’s kick this bitch’s ass and find your man.” Even though I could tell he wasn’t completely confident that it would turn out in our favor, I appreciated his enthusiasm anyway.
Jeff gave me a pat on the shoulder, and I could see the concern in his eyes. I knew I looked like shit, and that wasn’t like me. My hair was always perfect, and even if it looked like the waves just ended up like they did when I crawled out of bed, in reality, I spent a lot of time on it. I was always clean shaven, and I was always clean. Standing in the library, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d put on deodorant, and I knew everyone could tell I hadn’t been sleeping well. But every time I slept I was haunted by Jamie. And the knowledge that I couldn’t help him like he seemed to be asking me to do in my dreams wouldn’t let me go back to sleep.
Jeff looked me up and down, and as usual, he was the realist of the group, the one who would tell it like it was. “I can’t guarantee what we’re going to find,” he said softly, “but I’m going to be right there beside you, whatever you need.” Even if it’s a crying shoulder. I could hear the words he wasn’t saying. But I hugged him, anyway.
Students were looking at me in the library, too. I ignored them. I glanced up to the second floor, just a mezzanine full of shelves around the open center to the first floor. It reminded me of Jamie. I had memories of him everywhere. Some were upsetting, some were good, and some were really good, like the ones up there. The good ones, though, almost hurt more than the others, because I couldn’t have them back. And all I wanted was him.
We walked past a group at a table that didn’t even bother trying to pretend they weren’t staring at me. I didn’t even care that people were starting to get it. I mean, it would’ve been hard not to notice by that point, because when Jamie went missing, I completely lost it. I was ready to burn the town down to find him. It must have been pretty obvious how much he meant to me. I knew I’d given myself away, but I just wanted him back. I would shout my love from the rooftops. I’d kiss him in the middle of a hockey game. I’d tell everyone, and I’d never hide him again. I just wanted him back.
Chapter 11
September
I woke up slowly, not even sure where I was for a moment. All I knew was that I was happy. Happier than I could remember being in a long time. The previous night’s activities came back to me as soon as my brain fog cleared. Right after that, I realized I was alone in my bed, and that I’d slept with Jamie on our first date. My eyes shot open. Jesse was back in our dorm, sound asleep in his own bed. I sat up quickly, looking at the bathroom door to find it open, dark and empty.
I rubbed my face and looked around the room. I could tell by the light in the window it was still early. The bottle of lube was sitting on the edge of the nightstand. My clothes, including my cum-covered shirt, were still scattered across the floor. Jamie’s clothes were gone. The condom was also on the floor, since I’d apparently missed the trash can. I was sure Jesse hadn’t missed anything. I didn’t care about that, though. He’d be smug, especially about the lube, but he’d been rooting for us the whole time.
The thing that really bothered me was the fact that Jamie wasn’t there. I hadn’t wanted him to leave. He was technically my first, because in my head, the girls didn’t count. The previous night had been earth shattering for me, in the best way. He’d not only popped my proverbial gay cherry, but he’d allowed me to truly find myself. My real self. The one I’d packaged away with fake wrappings since I was sixteen. He was special. The only one who’d ever been able to make me even consider letting Caden out of the box. Sitting alone in my bed, I couldn’t help wondering if it hadn’t been everything for him it had been for me.
Was he having regrets? Had that not been what he wanted? Was I not what he wanted? Had it been too much, too fast? I certainly hadn’t planned for it to happen, but did he think that had been my intention all along? Was that why he’d taken off, because he thought I’d gotten what I wanted and now I was done with him? Surely he could tell he meant more to me than that. But even though he was free-spirited and there was something about him so determined to live life as it came, there still had to be trust issues in there. Even though he hid them well, no one could come out of a childhood like his without them, could they? Even with therapy. Had I hurt him? Had I done something wrong?
I climbed out of bed, not even bothering with clothes, my thoughts racing in my mind as I headed to use the restroom. While I was in there, I realized that my chest and abs were still a little crusty, because the T-shirt hadn’t done that great of a job, so I decided to take a shower and think. For some reason, I thought I might be able to figure out what had gone wrong and fix it.
Thinking most certainly did not help. Mainly because all I could think about was the way he’d said my name. The cry he’d given when he came, the look of ecstasy on his face. The way he watched me when he was close. I wanted more of it. My hand found my dick, and even though I was really upset that it wasn’t his hand, I wondered how much differently the shower could have gone if he hadn’t taken off. My dick, already semi-hard from thinking about the previous night, hardened fully.
I worked myself slowly, closing my eyes and imagining that Jamie was in front of me, and it was his hand instead of mine. Licking his lips, he slowly lowered himself down, looking up at me through his lashes as the water fell around him. He took me into his mouth and teased me with his tongue before taking me all the way to the back of his throat like I knew he could thanks to that damn corn dog.
I gripped the tile, letting my head fall back as I imagined him swallowing around my cock, working me with his mouth instead of his hand. I let out a little groan as I thought of him looking up at me with watery eyes, grabbing his own hard dick as he kneeled on the shower floor, his head bobbing up and down as he worked.
That would be all I could take, so I would pull him up, kissing him as I pushed his back to the tile. My hand sped up on my dick as I imagined pulling one of his legs around my waist and sliding into his still-lubed hole in one move. I could see his head fall back onto the tile, and hear the groan he let out, the same beautiful sound he’d made the night before.
I thrust into my own hand as I imagined it was his body I was thrusting into. I could hear his moans, I watched him fall apart with his back on the tile of my shower, his hard cock rubbing against my abs as he leaked all over me. In my mind, just like his legs had trembled below me in the bed, the leg he was standing on started to shake, and his other leg locked tight around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
I would grab him by the waist to hold him up while continuing to thrust, over and over, right into his sweet spot while he moaned and cursed and whispered my name.
I imagined him erupting between us as the water fell around our bodies, rutting into my own hand desperately as I remembered the arch of his back, the look on his face as he came. I let out a little cry as my release spilled all over the shower floor.
I stood leaning against the shower wall as my breathing slowed, wishing it really had been Jamie in the shower with me, hoping I hadn’t somehow screwed it all up completely. I didn’t want the first time to be the only time. Because I really liked him.
