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I took an actual shower after that, allowing my mind to wrap around the fact that I was afraid he’d left just like I left all those girls’ rooms in the mornings. Quickly and quietly, so they wouldn’t wake up because I wasn’t truly interested.
I let myself fully understand how much the previous night had meant to me. I liked him. Yes, I liked the way he looked. And yes, I loved how he made my body feel, but that wasn’t all. I liked him. I was euphoric when he laughed. I loved the wonder he had for everything from a pod of dolphins to a plate of shrimp tacos. I admired his soul, the one that still loved people and the earth and life, even after being shit on throughout his entire childhood. He was different, like no one I’d ever met, and the thought of losing him, even after only one date, hurt already.
I stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist and eyes directly on me. I jumped when I realized Jesse was sitting up in bed, staring at me with a shit-eating grin. “Fuck!” I yelled, while internally hoping I hadn’t been loud in the shower.
“It seems someone had a better night than I did, at least,” he said as he reclined on his pillows with his eyes on me, never losing that grin. Then he had the nerve to sit up, grab the lube right in front of me, and plop it back in the drawer without taking his eyes off mine. He closed the drawer with the back of his hand. “Honey, please pick that thing up off the floor before I accidentally step on it because I cannot.”
I rolled my eyes and threw the condom in the trash can. He yawned and said, “So, where did lover boy go, anyway?”
I flopped down on my bed with a sigh. “I was wondering the same thing.”
Jesse sat up in bed. “You mean he just took off? He didn’t even tell you goodbye?” His concern was not helping my nerves. I’d taken off from those girls’ rooms in the morning because they meant nothing to me. It was just sex, and I didn’t want to have to deal with them again in the morning, as they hoped that I’d somehow developed true feelings. I didn’t want to lie to them, but I also didn’t want to see their faces when I let them down. And I didn’t want to think about the fact that could have been all it was to Jamie. Ice gripped my heart even thinking about it. I had a game that night, and my brain was no good for it. I would never be at my best or even mediocre at the rate I was going, all I’d be thinking about would be Jamie. To top it all off, I still didn’t even have his phone number. I couldn’t even text him.
I looked over at Jesse. “I didn’t wake up all night. When I fell asleep, he was in my arms. When I woke up, he was gone. Did you see him when you got back?”
He smirked. “Oh, yes, sweetie. I saw him. You two all cuddled up on that tiny bed, your clothes all over the floor. I got in about four a.m. I was really quiet, and I don’t think I woke him. Neither of you stirred. It was adorable, honestly. I really expected him to be here when I woke up.” He looked thoughtful for a minute. “Does he know you aren’t out?”
I nodded. “Yeah, he knows. He seems pretty understanding about the fact that I’m not ready.”
“Well, maybe he just wanted to sneak out before everyone woke up. Maybe he was trying to make sure the two of you didn’t get caught.” I nodded again because that made sense. Jesse went on, “Why don’t you text him? Just good morning or something, so you don’t sound clingy.”
I looked away sheepishly. “I, uh…I don’t actually have his phone number.” I felt like a dumbass.
“What?” Jesse looked horrified.
“I mean, we’ve always spoken in person. I never really thought about it when I was with him. He doesn’t have mine, either.”
“Boy, what’s wrong with you? Have you never been in a relationship before? That should have been the first thing you exchanged. What in the name of everything holy, I can’t even…You shared each other’s bodies before you shared your phone numbers? I hope he doesn’t think you did that on purpose.”
I groaned and fell back on my bed. “I didn’t. I really just didn’t think about it. I was just having fun with him the whole time, and no, I haven’t been in a relationship that I actually gave a shit about. At least not since I was sixteen. And even that one…wasn’t like this.” I could tell I was pouting. My words sounded whiny to my own ears. How pathetic was I? It was literally our first date.
Jesse shook his head, then stood from his bed. He clapped his hands over me. “Ok, Caden, get dressed. Let’s go find your man and talk to him.” I hesitated, but he knew me too well. “I said now! You won’t even be able to play tonight with all this in your head. I’m not going to sit here and let a perceived ‘wham, bam, thank you, ma’am’ end our hockey team’s winning streak. You two were way too cozy for a one-night stand. I know this is a misunderstanding. Clothes on! Let’s go!”
His words gave me some hope, so I threw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a white T-shirt. “Ooh, gray sweatpants,” he commented, “You trying to get one more quickie in before the game?” I gave him a look, and he added, “What? I’ll leave the room for a little while if that’s what you need.”
I rolled my eyes at him, and we headed out of the dorm. Jamie’s bike was still where we’d left it the previous night. The helmets were gone, though. That meant he could be in a dorm room I knew neither the number nor the floor of, or anywhere else on or near campus.
“Anywhere you think he’d go?” Jesse asked me, “Any likes or dislikes? Something he’d do in the morning?”
“Coffee with two packs of sugar,” I suggested, because it was all I could think of.
He gave me an odd look but took off walking. I followed him for a moment before he spoke up. “I guess after a night of mind-blowing sex I might head to the coffee shop if I’d taken off early, too.” He glanced over at me. “Oh, this was your first time with a guy, right? I mean, even mediocre sex would probably have me wanting some caffeine if I cut out early.”
I knew he was just trying to get a rise out of me, but it worked, anyway. “Excuse me, but he cried out pretty damn loudly for ‘mediocre sex.’”
Jesse’s eyes lit up. “Oh, I love details! Give me more!”
I rolled my eyes at him and started to growl a retort, but he was no longer looking at me. He slowed to a stop. The coffee shop was in view, and there were some students inside, bleary-eyed and sitting in the windows with their coffee. It wasn’t too busy because not too many people were up so early on a Saturday.
I looked over at Jesse to see why he’d stopped. “I’m just going to wait over here,” he said, motioning his head. I followed his eyes to the side of the building to see Jamie sitting alone at a table outside. The same table we’d sat at the day I’d given him the choker. He had a coffee in front of him and his head in one hand like he was out on the morning after a huge fuck-up.
He’d apparently also had a shower, and I was momentarily distracted by how beautiful he was. His curls were damp and wild. “Oh, that damn skirt,” Jesse mumbled, then looked over at me quickly and added, “Sorry, Caden. Not trying to step on your toes. Your boy is hot, though. It’s hard not to appreciate. You know I’d never try to do more than that.” I did know that.
The skirt in question must have been the one Jesse and Caitlin had been discussing when I’d first started talking to Jamie. It was red plaid, short enough to show off the legs that I’d since realized had an occasional pole kiss, but were otherwise all smooth, lean muscle perfection. He had on thigh-high fishnets, and black hiking boots with a plain white long-sleeved button-up shirt. He still had the choker on, and for some reason that gave me hope. He was so pretty, though, that I almost chickened out. I didn’t think I could handle hearing anything other than that he liked me and wanted to go out with me again.
Jesse nudged me. “Caden. Go talk to him.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat and felt like a pre-teen discussing their crush when I said, “What if he tells me he doesn’t want to see me anymore?” Pretty sure my lip trembled, and I really didn’t know who I was right then.
