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I just needed to get through the season. I could lead us to victory, we were almost there. I could figure everything out over the summer, and I would be brave enough to come out and be myself. Next year.
Renee seemed ecstatic when I flung an arm over her shoulders as I was talking to a teammate. She glanced in the direction of the couch just like Brad had. But she couldn’t know…and Amber was over there, too. Did she think I was dating Amber? But if she thought I was dating Amber, then why did she think Amber was just sitting on the couch instead of standing with me? When I glanced at Renee again, she was smirking, but she was looking back at me. I glanced up at Brad, who just sneered and turned away.
I went back to the conversation I’d started, an arm still around her. But then Renee murmured, “I’ve really missed you, Caden.” She proceeded to stand on her tiptoes as she caressed my chest and abs with one hand, still clinging to me with the other, and started to bite at my neck. Oh, shit. The magnitude of what I was doing suddenly dawned on me. Was it like, actual cheating at that point? She was kissing my neck and jawline, and while I wasn’t kissing her back, I’d definitely instigated it. I’d put an arm around her, letting her know it was ok. That was the only conclusion she would come to if I was literally holding her.
I started trying to push her away, but I glanced over at the couch as I did so. Jamie and Amber were both looking at me. And just like so long ago when I’d first started talking to him, if looks could kill, I’d be dead. He was really good at that look. To my dismay, the distrust was also back in full force. The distrust I’d worked so hard to get through.
Renee wasn’t letting go of me even as I struggled against her, trying to back away while simultaneously trying to push her arms away at the same time. I saw Jamie stand and storm toward the door, with Amber right behind him. She glanced back and gave me a disappointed look, which hurt almost as bad as the daggers his eyes had shot me.
Thankfully, Jeff also saw them leaving, and he immediately looked at me to see why. His eyes widened slightly as he saw me trying to extract myself from Renee’s grip, and I could almost hear him ask me what the fuck I was doing. I told Renee to let go loudly enough that I caught the attention of the people around us. I couldn’t care, though, because I was panicking. I had to catch Jamie. He couldn’t leave without me getting a chance to explain.
“Why?” Renee asked, pouting and still trying to hang onto my arm.
I finally got so upset that I yanked my arm out of her grip. She just looked at me, momentarily shocked enough to pause in trying to latch on again. “Because it’s over between us. I made that clear. I’m seeing someone else.”
I saw the curious looks around us because I’d always been very public about relationships. And hookups. I refused to look at Brad because I knew if he’d just heard me, it would be a problem since he’d been watching me like a hawk, and I clearly hadn’t had a girlfriend all year. He knew I spent most of my time around Jamie in one way or another. Renee just arched an eyebrow. “Oh, is that so? Who, pray tell, are you seeing then, Caden?” God, did she know? Did she suspect? She looked pretty confident. Everyone around us was waiting for an answer. I didn’t have time for any of it. Jamie was gone.
“None of your damn business, Renee. You don’t own me. I shouldn’t have put my arm around you, I just wasn’t thinking. I have to go.” She huffed indignantly as I sat my beer down and took off for the front door.
She tried to follow me, but Jeff cut her off. “He needs some air. Leave him alone, Renee, don’t be such a clinger.” She looked offended, and started to argue with Jeff, but I kept going. At least he had her distracted. I caught a glimpse of Brad watching me, but Jeff was eyeing him even as he spoke to Renee. Right then, I didn’t care what Brad thought. I had to find Jamie.
I ran out into the night, looking up and down the sidewalk as I tried to spot him. We’d all walked since the house wasn’t all that far from the dorms. I didn’t see Jamie or Amber, but assumed they’d headed back toward the dorms.
I felt like I was in a nightmare. It was our first fight, and we were only a week away from spring break. It was supposed to be our first of many trips together, just us. My parents had found out our plans and had insisted on paying for the entire thing. They’d bought our flights, a room in a swanky ski lodge, a ski package, and our meals. I supposed it was their coming out gift to me. I tried to tell them Jamie and I could handle it, but they insisted. I had to admit, our entire trip would be way better than the one we could have afforded on our own. But then I’d screwed everything up at the party.
I found them in the quad, walking quickly toward the dorms. “Jamie! Please!” They both stopped walking, but only Amber turned to look at me. “Jamie, please, I need to talk to you. Please. I was really stupid, but just hear me out.”
Amber glanced at him, and he must have said something to her because she nodded and headed on to her dorm. He whirled on me, his arms crossed in front of him, and waited for me to speak. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I got way too drunk tonight. Renee was trying to hang all over me, and I saw Brad watching us, and he seemed suspicious, so I thought maybe I could throw him off by playing it up a little. I just put my arm around her. But then she started touching and kissing me, and I realized what a dumbass move I’d just made. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
He was still waiting, like I needed to say more. I wasn’t sober enough to think properly. Even I could hear that my words were slurring. “I shouldn’t have done it, Jamie, I know. And I’m really sorry. Will you please forgive me?”
He looked away from me. “Why did you even ask me to go to that party?”
He looked hurt, and I had the distinct feeling that I should be apologizing for more than my little stunt with Renee, but I wasn’t sure of the right thing to say. “Because I wanted you to be there. Because I want you around me always.”
“Around you for whose benefit? Just your own? You want to be able to see me and know where I am, while you go do whatever you want? You want me to come with you so you can leave me sitting in a place where I know four other people and it’s quite obvious no one else wants me there? So you can go hang out with your friends and get trashed and flirt with your ex while I’m sitting on a couch and everyone’s staring at me like they’re wondering how I got in the door? Do you know how bad tonight sucked for me? I would have much rather done makeovers with Amber or studied in my room alone. Next time, don’t bother inviting me, alright?”
He turned on his heel and headed back toward his dorm. “Jamie!”
He stopped again with a huge sigh, but he didn’t turn back around. I caught up to him. “Jamie, you have to know I wasn’t trying to hurt you. You know she doesn’t mean anything to me. I would never do anything to hurt you and I didn’t mean anything by it when I put my arm around her. I just thought it might shut Brad up for the rest of the season, and then I can figure out how to tell everyone next year…”
He whirled back around, eyes burning. I took a slight step back. “Do I know that you didn’t mean anything by it? No, Caden, actually I don’t. Because right then, you didn’t seem any different from them. You didn’t seem like you wanted me there, either. Just the idea of me.”
I was taken aback. I didn’t understand how he could feel that way. I did want him there. I hadn’t meant to get caught up in other conversations for so long. The distrust he’d voiced offended me. How could he say he didn’t know if I meant anything by it? How could he think I had any feelings for her at all? Which is why my feelings, mixed with the alcohol, allowed me to do the dumbest possible thing. I was hurt and offended and didn’t understand, and it was the first time in any relationship that I actually cared about the person I was fighting with. Gavin and I hadn’t fought, we’d just ended. I’d fought plenty with Renee, but I never actually cared. So I opened my mouth on the quad and let myself spew words of pure spite.
“So, what, now you’re saying you don’t trust me? You don’t trust me? You’re worried about me putting my arm around some girl when you’re out there dancing half naked in dude’s laps four nights a week?”
He looked like I’d slapped him. I realized how low of a blow it was as soon as it left my mouth, but it was too late to reel the words back in. I’d just compared my drunken flirtation with my actual ex-girlfriend who’d probably left bite marks on my neck to the job he’d had long before I’d first spoken to him. Long before I’d chosen to go out with him. I knew that was all it was to him, a job. I knew that. I was just mad, and upset, and panicking. I looked away.
Fire burned in his eyes. “Excuse me? So, you were lying, then. You were lying to me when you said it didn’t bother you. You were lying when you said you trusted me. You’re going to bring up my job when the first time your closeted ass realized you wanted me was when I was giving your friend a lap dance?!”
Oh, we were going all out then, huh? It was turning into the worst night of my life. I didn’t want to fight, but I’d started it. Probably before I’d even flirted with Renee. Probably when I’d talked him into going to a party he didn’t want to go to because he didn’t think anyone else would want him there. I tried to defend myself. “I didn’t lie to you! I’m just saying, maybe you shouldn’t be quite so quick to judge me for putting my arm around someone just to throw off a nosy jackass. You should understand that I don’t want them to look at me like that. I’m not…ready.”
“Look at you like what, Caden? Like they look at me?” His words were somewhere between a heartbroken whisper and an angry hiss. “You know what? You’re right. I won’t judge you anymore because I won’t be there to watch it next time. I shouldn’t have been there this time. Next time, you can do whatever you want. Hell, you can fuck her in the living room to throw Brad off if you want to. That ought to do the trick. Whatever it takes to get them to believe you’re not with me, right? Don’t worry, I’m not going to another party just to listen to people whispering about the ‘fag over there,’ or to ask me why I wear make-up and skirts sometimes because that’s weird, or, my favorite, ‘what are you doing here?’ Because I damn sure can’t say Caden invited me. So I guess I just crashed the party to sit on the couch all night.”
He had tears in his eyes and a pang of pain hit my chest. People had actually said that stuff to him? He’d been listening to that while I was doing keg stands and letting my ex hang on my arm? Jamie shook his head and swiped at the tear that had escaped. Then he whispered. “In case you haven’t noticed, it really sucks being your secret sometimes, Caden.” With that he turned and walked into his dorm, not even reacting when I called his name.
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