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He eyed me with an arched brow. “Wow, man, I was being sarcastic but now I’m actually a little curious about it since you got so defensive just then.”
Jesse still looked bewildered but for some reason felt compelled to add, “Calm down, Caden. Hello. It’s not like anyone here would judge you if you did go out with a dude. Have you met us? I don’t know who you guys are talking about, but I mean, we’d be cool with it.”
I stood up. “Ok. I’m all done here. I’m not listening to this anymore. I can’t even be nice to someone without everyone making a big deal out of it and trying to make it something it’s not.” I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “I was just trying to be nice. I have to go study. I won’t miss practice anymore, alright?”
“He’s really defensive, huh?” Caitlin pointed out helpfully, then turned to Jesse as though I hadn’t even announced my departure, “And it’s Jamie.”
Before I could even say anything else, my skin hot from my face all the way down to my chest, she noticed that Jesse still looked confused and added, “Jamie. Remember? Plaid skirt and Mary Janes from last year? The one we were ogling in the quad because we could almost see up that schoolgirl skirt?”
Jesse’s eyes widened dramatically. “Oh, him. Absolutely exquisite. I’ve never seen such a perfect face. What a beautiful specimen. Those legs should be shown off more often. That’s the only time I saw him in a mini skirt, but they were so lithe and nothing but muscle. Maybe he does ballet. Does he do ballet, Caden?”
“I don’t know!” I burst out, “I don’t even know him. I bought him a coffee because I didn’t stop Brad from being the asshole that he is, and I felt bad. We talked about coffee and calculus. How the hell would I know if he’s a ballet dancer?” I mean, he likes looking at art and he writes, but I don’t know about dancing.
Jesse laughed out loud and I kind of wanted to smack him. “Don’t get your panties in a wad, Caden. He’s a pretty, pretty boy. And he knows it, too. Mmm, his legs were shaved, and I bet everything is shaved. I could eat him up.”
“Okay,” I sighed, dragging the word out as I turned for the door. “With that, I’m out. I’ll see you guys later.”
“Don’t forget my birthday surprise on Friday night, Caden. I don’t want you making any more spur of the moment plans, because I can’t wait to see what you guys have in store for me. Jeff said I’d really like it.”
Oh yeah. That. Was Jeff smirking? I sighed and shoved the door open, heading from Jeff’s room back to my own. I was going to pretend to be asleep when Jesse came in, because I refused to be questioned about my kindness any further. They were all way off, and I was done with it. I wasn’t going to explain myself again.
Chapter 4
April
I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I shouldn’t have gone to the courthouse. I wasn’t sure why I thought I’d be able to handle sitting in the same room as that monster. The judge was still talking, there was a police officer on the witness stand, and I had my phone out again, obsessively scrolling through the messages and screenshots on my phone. I officially hated that word. Obsessive. But I couldn’t pretend it didn’t describe me. I knew I was like him, but in the opposite way. There had to be something, though, something that I’d missed.
My face burned hot with rage as I read the messages that had been ignored. Ignored as in not replied to, but never truly ignored. If Jamie hadn’t been worried about it, he wouldn’t have taken screenshots. He wouldn’t have sent them to me so that someone else had proof. That’s what it had been, all along. He wanted someone else to have the evidence in case something happened to him. He knew how bad it had gotten, even though I hadn’t realized it at the time. He’d always been good at hiding when he was afraid. I just wished he hadn’t been so good at it. Maybe I would have been just a little more protective than I already was.
The messages had escalated dramatically over the past year and a half. They’d started before I even knew the guy existed. Jamie had never added Wally back on any of the social media accounts he’d tried to follow Jamie on. Jamie never clicked on any of the messages so they wouldn’t show as read. There were so many of them, the only time they’d ceased was during the fifteen days the temporary restraining order had been in place. Had he sent a message then, it would have been enough reason to make it permanent. But for all the seemingly dumb things he’d done, Wally had somehow been smart at the same time.
Jamie had sent all the messages to me, even the ones from before. Despite all of it, he’d never lost that zest he had for life, the joy that I loved so much. He still smiled, he still lived, he still had fun. But it had always been there, lingering. He’d carried it silently, and I hadn’t fully understood until it was too late.
I couldn’t stop the what-ifs. I knew that was a dangerous game to play, but I couldn’t help it. What if he’d chosen somewhere else to work? What if Wally hadn’t seen the ad in the first place? What if I’d done more to stop it when I knew it was happening? What if I’d beaten Wally nearly to death to scare him away? What if Jamie hadn’t gone that night? What if I’d tried to get him to call in? What if my game hadn’t gone into overtime? What if, what if, what if.
My brain was running in overdrive as I looked through the messages again, half listening to what was being said at the front of the courtroom. The police officer was speaking. He’d been at Wally’s mother’s house when the phone call came in. “He was panicked and crying. Said he’d done something bad. Said the person he loved was gone.” No. The person I loved was gone.
The what-ifs kept coming. My brain didn’t shut off at all, even when I slept. I dreamt of him every night. Sometimes they were dreams that we found him, safe and alive, smiling at me like he’d simply been waiting for me to find him. Other times he was calling out to me from the dark, trying to tell me where he was, but I could never quite make out what he was saying. And then there were the nightmares that Wally was telling the truth, and I found Jamie in more than one shallow grave. He was cut and cut and cut. In pieces, in pieces. Hid in different places. His words to his own mother. I hated them, and it made me sick every time I thought about them.
My hand was shaking as I scrolled through my phone. I could feel my friends looking at me, all of them. They’d already told me several times to stop going through the messages and trying to analyze them. They told me I wouldn’t find anything there, that the police had already looked. That did not deter me. The police had already made it very clear to me that they weren’t going to do enough.
I scrolled back to the beginning. He’d sent all of them in order. It was a chronology of their twisted, horrible story. Hey, do you remember me from last night? I liked talking to you. I’d really like to take you out. Can we maybe go grab coffee sometime, or a bite to eat? I’ll let you pick. It may have sounded innocuous, but when you found out Jamie hadn’t even told the guy his name, their conversation was minimal, and the guy had found Jamie’s social media accounts within a few hours and sent him a message, it definitely seemed a lot less innocent. Jamie wasn’t even sure how Wally learned his name, let alone found his accounts. He made all of his profiles private after that, but it was too late by that point.
Ok, I guess you aren’t seeing these? I commented on your post a while back, asking you to follow me back so we can talk on here. Take a freaking hint, dude. But he never had.
I love watching you at work. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Please just send me a quick message back to let me know you’re seeing these. There were so many messages like that. He knew Jamie could see them if he looked. He probably knew Jamie was looking. But Jamie would never acknowledge them even though that fact did little to deter the man who later seemed to confess to his mother that he’d murdered the object of his affection.
I looked up at the back of his head again in the courtroom. I wanted to yank his scalp off by his hair. I wanted to crush his skull in my bare hands. I’d never wished death on anyone before, but right then, I wanted to be the one doing the killing. I knew the thoughts probably weren’t healthy, but I could have written a novel about how little I cared.
How about a drink at the club? Just one. I’ll buy. Yeah, ok. He definitely wasn’t planning on putting a roofie in that drink.
Why are you still ignoring me? All I want to do is talk to you. It was so painfully obvious to everyone but Wally that Jamie did not want to talk to him. Everyone knew he was being inappropriate, everyone except him, apparently. And if he knew, he didn’t care.
I wish I could take you to see my hometown. It’s just a little seaside village but there are a couple of spots you’d love, I know it. Lots of hidden places you’d never find without a local. We’d have so much fun. I hadn’t missed that one, and neither had the police. The wording stuck out like a sore thumb. Unfortunately, the police weren’t telling me where his hometown was. They insisted that the investigation needed to remain confidential because they didn’t want Wally’s attorney or the public knowing too much because of the trial that was coming.
They told me they’d checked the town Wally had grown up in. They found no evidence to suggest that Jamie had ever been in the area, nor that Wally had been there in years. I was pretty sure it wasn’t the nearby town in which his mother currently lived, because it seemed to have been a separate investigation. I knew I was lucky they’d even let me hear the phone call, but I didn’t appreciate being left in the dark, regardless.
I hadn’t been able to figure out the location on my own. All of Wally’s social media accounts had been taken down. I tried an internet search of his name, but all that came up were articles about Jamie’s disappearance. Before that, it seemed the guy was a ghost. We were in Florida- the town he was talking about could have been any of the hundreds of towns around us. It could also be in any other state with a coastline. The words of his message didn’t give me enough.
