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I remember the same with my mom, how it would take her down without warning, lay her flat for days and days and days.
“What kind?”
“Testicular,” I whisper.
The air in the room grows taut before she inhales, holds it for a long moment before exhaling in a sharp hiss.Then she murmurs, “Testicular cancer.”
I nod.
Her eyes close, and I know what she’s thinking. That I’ve always wanted to have more kids, that we’ve been waiting until she’s retired to have them.
And that future might have been stolen from us.
Because of me.
“I banked my sperm,” I tell her quickly. “I should be able to have kids once I’m recovered, but just in case that can’t happen, we’ll be fine?—”
Silence again.
Hurt and silence and guilt and?—
I am a fucking idiot.
I push the rest of the way up from the mattress, take a step toward her, hating when she skitters back. “It’ll be okay,” I tell her. “I’ve got it figured out. I promise. I know it was stupid to hide this, to separate when I should have told you, but—” I grind my teeth together, push on. “I wasn’t thinking clearly and?—”
“You weren’t thinking clearly.” Neutral words.
Deadly words.
“I wasn’t,” I agree. “I was a fucking idiot, but look, I’ve made the arrangements. I’ve already delayed my treatment. I’ll wait for chemo until the season’s over, and then when the rough stuff hits, it won’t impact the team?—”
Her entire body jerks. “What?”
“When things are calmer,” I go on. “I’ll get this shit taken care of like last time, and the doctor is going to make sure it doesn’t come back. This round, he’s going to be more aggressive.”
Another jerk. “This round?”
I blather on, “It won’t take long, and I’ll feel good enough when preseason comes around and you’re traveling again that I can cover Rox. Though, we have Tiff too, so we’ll be extra covered and you won’t need to worry…”I trail off because it feels like all of the air has been sucked out of the room.
And I realize her expression has changed, horror replacing anger as it ripples across the lines of her face.
“Last time?” she whispers, pushing against the circle of my arms. “This round?”
“Brit,” Dan says softly, reaching for her, pulling her back against him, and hell, I’d forgotten he was even in the room. “Just take a breath,” he tells her, but his face is stark, eyes telling me that for all he does know, he didn’t know this.
Didn’t know this was the second time.
I open my mouth.
But what can I possibly say?
I know I’m fucked up.
I know Ifucked up.
I just don’t know how to make this right.
She pulls away from her brother and walks toward the shelves, dropping her hands on top, hanging her head, whispering, “That’s why you asked for the divorce.”
