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I freeze, fingers wrapped around a frozen disc of rubber. “Wh-what?”
“I always figured when you retire from the crease that you’d step into coaching,” he says matter-of-factly.
Just dropping a bomb.
Coaching?
I still.
That’s not?—
“You’ve had a good run, Banana”—his lips curve—“but have you thought about what you’re going to do when you’re done?” He fixes me with a stare. “I mean really done, not that Michael Jordan retire and come back nonsense you pulled a couple of seasons back.”
“Frankie.”
“Not pressuring you.” He tosses a puck into the bucket. “Just…food for thought.”
“I…”
He stills, and I want to run from the thoughts in my head, want to ignore the fear that unleashes in me—what am I without hockey?
Who am I if I’m not Brit Plantain, the first woman to play in the NHL?
Who am I without this team behind me?
Who am I without Stefan? Without Rox?
And why is it that the last two questions are the ones that really strike fear into my heart?
All of that is running through my mind as we kneel there, Frankie beside me, not pushing me to talk or move or?—
“I should let you get back to your grand kids,” I say instead of acknowledging his statements.
Because he watches them at their karate class these evenings and that’s more important than me having an existential crisis?—
“Brit,” he says softly.
“I know they’re testing for their new belts soon,” I tell him. “You’ll want to make sure you see them practice.”
“Brit,” he says again, still soft. But this time, he waits.
For me to look at him.
I don’t want to.
I want to drop my mask back down and skate back over to the net and take a hundred more shots so I don’t have to think about my marriage dissolving and my role in it, how I might have been so fucking focused on my career and passion that I ruined my relationship, how I might not have been what Stefan wanted or needed.
But he said?—
Sweet words aren’t actions.
So, I want to avoid thinking that I might be becoming the same person for Roxie—not enough, too focused on my own stuff, too?—
Well, just not good enough.
And I sure as shit want to stop worrying about who I’ll be without hockey and just…do hockey.
Get lost in the rush. Solve any problems in the locker room or on the ice or with my guys and their partners and?—
