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“We went to Gianni’s for a slice,” I say. “And then we viewed the city from the Top of the Rock. Other than that, there’s nothing to tell.”
“Do you trust him?”
“He seems trustworthy enough.”
“Yes, he does. And the club vets everyone who applies for membership. You’re going to be perfectly safe with him.”
I sip my smoothie. “Yes, I know that.”
“So…do you think it’s time to get back on the horse?”
“You’re beginning to sound like a broken record, Brenda.”
“Yeah, I can hear myself. But the club has been such a huge part of your life the last several years. I can’t believe you’d give it up.”
“I never thought I would before, either.” I set down my smoothie and rub the back of my neck. “I’m not even sure it was the scene. It’s not like Jack hurt me that much. I healed up right away. There’s no scarring.”
“Right. And Jack honored your safe word as soon as you said it.”
I slowly draw in a deep breath. “It’s just that his head was somewhere else, you know? And I think that’s what bothers me the most. How do you know when a Dominant has his head in the game? How many times have I been with someone who’s thinking about something else while we’re doing a scene?”
“Does it matter?”
I meet Brenda’s gaze. “I never thought it did before. But now I wonder… What is it that I really want? I’m beginning to think maybe I want what you and Dalton have.”
“Dalton and I weren’t looking for it. It found us.”
I take a sip of my raspberry-pineapple smoothie. The tanginess of the Greek yogurt punches through the sweetness of the strawberry and pineapple, giving the smoothie a full-bodied yet fruity flavor. It’s delicious. “I know. That’s what makes it so special, Brenda. You found something you weren’t looking for, and now your lives are all the more complete for it. I always thought my life was complete just being a submissive. Meeting Dominants at the club, playing together, and then going about my day-to-day life. I was happy without a man in my life. Without a partner. I like living alone, and I like being responsible for my own needs. Except in the bedroom, when I give up the responsibility for my needs to someone else.”
“A relationship doesn’t mean giving up responsibility for your own needs,” Brenda says. “It means sharing responsibility for each other’s needs. It means thinking about someone else as well as yourself.”
“I know.” I sigh. “That’s always turned me off about it, to be honest. I suppose it sounds selfish, but I never wanted to bother worrying about anyone else. Not in my day-to-day life. It’s difficult enough making a living, making ends meet in Manhattan. Yet I love living here, and I don’t want to leave. It’s my home.”
Brenda’s eyes gleam with mischief. “You could find yourself a billionaire, like Braden Black. Then you’ll never have to worry about money for the rest of your life.”
I chuckle. “Clearly I’m not making myself clear.”
“Clearly you’re not.” She sips her smoothie.
I take a look around the small dining area, at the people in workout clothes chatting. Specifically at the couples. “I watched my parents’ marriage fail, Brenda. He had a secret apartment and many lovers. You know all the stories. And then the fiasco with Lucas turned me the rest of the way off. It’s not something I ever wanted.”
“I know. It’s not something I thought I wanted, either. When I met the right person, that changed.”
“I haven’t met the right person yet, and I don’t see myself falling for any of the Doms I’ve been with. But I wonder if something more is in the cards for me. I’m not expecting it to happen like it did for you and Dalton. But what if I left the lifestyle?”
Brenda slurps the last of her smoothie through her straw. “Then you’d be leaving your hunky Scotsman.”
She’s right about that. Ronan O’Connor made quite an impression on me. Part of me wishes he had invited me to a private room last night, because in some strange way, even though we just met, I do trust him. I’ve met Dominants like that before.
But I didn’t have it in me.
I like Ronan. I like him a lot. But he’s a Dominant through and through. That won’t change, and if I’m thinking about leaving…
He and I can’t be together. Not in a scene or in any other way.
Except…
“I told him I’d be at the club tonight at eight o’clock,” I say.
