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It wasn’t the only thing I could do, and I let the vicious thoughts surface to the front of my mind as I fantasized about twisting the fucking hollow aluminum cane in my hands until it was small enough that I could beat Cameron to death with it.
And of course the feeling passed, the way it always did when the day was difficult.
It had been seven agonizing days of Cameron in the mornings, the Alphas in the afternoons, and barely having enough energy to clutch Misha tightly to me as my body sank into sleep. I visited Danyal once in the process, terrified that I was getting worse, but he said my heart had finally healed enough that when I was ready to try shifting, I would be as good as new.
“Your right lung will always probably be a little weaker than your left, but I doubt you’ll notice,” he assured me.
I wanted to ask him how the fuck he knew. He was an Omega who had never seen battle—but it was unfair of me. My frustration was getting the better of me as we still had no more answers to whether or not Misha was going to survive the moon, which was hovering a few days away. It felt like a ticking time bomb, and the worst of it was—I was falling for him.
The bond made it difficult to resist him, but the more time we spent quietly talking as the night crept on, the more my heart started to beat for him. I’d heard it happened that way with couples who bonded before falling in love, but I had tried not to let myself get too attached in case the worst happened.
Now the moon was seventy-two hours away, and it was distracting me enough that during my obstacle training with my cane, I had fallen twice.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Cameron asked after a beat.
Instead of standing, I rolled over, then sat and pulled my knees to my chest. I could hear the jingle of the dog’s harness and remembered a few days ago, the way Cameron had laughed when I told him the cane was fucking stupid and I should just get a dog.
“You have to master the cane first,” he’d said, laying a gentle hand on my shoulder. “And believe me, it’ll be worth it.”
There were times where I resented the length of his blindness, only because he had been doing it for so long that he couldn’t relate to my frustration. And he was a child when it happened, and they always adapted easier.
I was old. I was an Alpha. I was a military leader.
And I was possibly on the verge of losing my mate.
“I don’t think I’ve got any more in me today,” I confessed.
“Are you still on the ground?” he asked, and I heard the frown in his tone.
“I just need a moment, okay?”
He directed the dog to my side, then he sat, and I felt something twinge—a sort of family connection, though not in any real meaningful way. But what little we did have, I didn’t mind. “You know you can talk to me,” he urged.
I did, and I bowed my head and sighed, rubbing at one of my eyes with my curled knuckle. Occasionally that still caused flashes—teases of sight I’d never have. I’d gotten addicted to forcing them, and Danyal said it was something about my brain craving that stimulation, but they were getting fewer and far between now.
“My doctor wants me to shift before the moon,” I told him. “It’s the last bit of healing I’ll need to do.”
“And you’re afraid you won’t be able to manage it?” he asked.
“No,” I said, and that was the truth. I knew I could manage it. I could feel my wolf clawing at the surface, desperate to be released, to finish healing. But I wasn’t sure I wanted that side of me to bond to Misha. This form was attached enough as it was, and my wolf would draw on my most base instincts. “We still don’t know if Misha’s going to make it, and I know Danyal wants me to finish healing so if he…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. “If there’s any risk for me, this will minimize it.”
“Sounds like he knows what he’s talking about,” Cameron said carefully.
I turned my head toward him and very briefly wondered what he looked like. He was probably slight, and I knew he was shorter than me, and muscular. But it was strange how I no longer thought about what people looked like. Fleeting moments of curiosity happened, but they never lasted. I wanted to see Misha because I wanted to know every single part of him with every single one of my senses, but I didn’t need sight to know he was beautiful. That he was damn-near perfect.
“I don’t know if my heart will survive the pain if he—” I had to stop again.
Cameron’s hand dropped on my shoulder and squeezed very gently. “I can’t imagine. I don’t even want to try to imagine. But have you considered that the bond goes both ways?”
I frowned. “I’m well aware of how it works.” Even now, I could reach out and feel Misha. He was home, tired but content, missing me. And I sent him a small burst, letting him know I could feel him, that I wanted him, and I felt a small hum return.
“So, wouldn’t it benefit him if you were at your full strength?”
I pinched my eyes shut with my thumb and forefinger and squeezed, but nothing happened. “It won’t matter if I’m the strongest Alpha that ever lived. If his body starts to change, he won’t survive it. His skeleton is still almost entirely human. His bones will shatter.” And his organs would rupture. If the shock didn’t kill him immediately, the internal bleeding would shortly after.
I would be with him in this form so I could hold him until it was over. If nothing happened, I would be weaker until my next shift, but it would be worth it.
“I’m sorry,” Cameron said, his voice barely above a whisper. “Is there anything I can do?”
