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I put in my earbuds while I walked and listened to a podcast about chaos theory, which might sound like it would be boring but is actually really interesting. I listen to podcasts a lot. I used to listen to some true crime—like Serial and all that—but I can’t anymore. And I can’t listen to music because all my favorite stuff makes me cry.
I got to Molly’s house and climbed over their back fence. Molly’s dog Simba was there, but he knows me and anyway he’s kind of old and more of an official greeter than an actual guard dog. I gave him some love and then I went to find Charlie. He was in the stable and not in the paddock, because I’m riding him a lot right now. He was pretty happy to see me. I found a brush and gave him a rubdown, and I changed my clothes before I saddled him. I can ride in jeans, but on cold days you can end up with raw patches if you ride for a long time. Jodhpurs are more comfortable. Molly’s mare Whisper wasn’t very happy that we were going out without her. I gave her a rub and told her sorry, and then I led Charlie around the paddock, down to the back gate. I closed the gate behind us before I mounted up, and I took him through a fast walk into a slow trot to give him a chance to warm up before we pushed on into a canter.
I love to ride. I really do. When I’m out on the trail with Charlie I feel like myself. I feel... I don’t want this to sound cheesy, like a stupid inspiration quote on Instagram... but I feel strong, and kind of free. Usually riding makes everything I’m worried about in my real life seem much smaller and like it doesn’t matter. Or at least, doesn’t matter so much. I wanted that feeling so bad, but it didn’t come. Nina being missing is just too huge. Not even Charlie can make that problem go away.
We slowed to a walk and I took out my phone again. I had a new message from Simon, asking me how I was doing. I told him the truth. That I’d ditched school and I was with Charlie and it wasn’t making me feel much better. He asked if Charlie was my boyfriend and I sent him a laughing emoji and explained. So then he asked for a picture and I sent it. He went quiet for a while after that, which made me feel more lonely and kind of depressed. I took Charlie down a trail that had some medium jumps. We did those, and then I guess I just rode aimlessly for a while before I started to circle back. It was getting pretty close to lunchtime when my phone buzzed again. Another message from Simon, saying sorry for disappearing, and did I want to meet up. That made me smile. It really did. He said he could drive closer to where I was, and I told him which trail to take, and we agreed to meet for lunch in a clearing between two trails, where I knew there was a clean stream where I could water Charlie.
I got there first. I loosened Charlie’s girth so he’d be more comfortable. I watered him, and then I slung his reins low and loose around a tree branch so that he could still nuzzle at the ground if he wanted. Not that there was much grass available, but he likes to explore. After that I sat on a fallen tree and unpacked my lunch, which was just stuff I was able to grab quickly from the kitchen without Mom and Dad noticing. A bread roll and a little pack of cheese and crackers, an apple and a bag of chips. It felt kind of juvenile suddenly, and I didn’t want Simon to see it. But I was also really hungry, so instead of packing it away again I started eating really fast. I’d finished the bread roll and the apple by the time he got there.
“Hi,” he said, and smiled at me.
I smiled back, and regretted it right away because I was pretty sure that I had bread in my teeth.
“Sorry,” I said, and I closed my mouth.
He looked quizzically at me and went over to see Charlie. Simon was wearing black jeans and boots and a black jacket with this bright orange skinny stripe down one arm. It was very cool. He’s actually a really good-looking guy, which isn’t surprising, because if you ever met my sister you would know that she’s completely beautiful.
“So this is your guy?” Simon said. He laid a hand on Charlie’s neck, and Charlie kind of skittered sideways. He doesn’t always like strangers.
“Uh-huh.”
“He’s beautiful.”
“Do you ride?” I almost offered him a ride on Charlie, even though Charlie doesn’t really like anyone riding him but me, but Simon shook his head.
“Not my thing,” he said. He came over to sit beside me on the fallen tree. “How are you doing?”
He was so kind. I shrugged, but then I was scared I was going to cry because I could feel the tears wanting to come. I offered him the cheese and crackers to distract myself.
“Want some?”
He took the packet and opened it, and made a cracker-and-cheese mini-sandwich and ate it in two bites. He brushed the crumbs off his hands. “Pretty good,” he said. He scratched at one of his teeth with his thumbnail, to dislodge a bit of cracker, I guess. If I did that I’d look like a troll, but he actually made it look cool. He gave me a serious look. “Really, Grace. I mean it. How are you doing?”
I looked down at the dirt and pushed at it with the toe of my boot. “I’m fine, I guess.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“I’m sorry about my mom,” I said. It was probably the tenth time I’d said sorry, but it was easier than talking about my feelings. I expected Simon to just say that it wasn’t my fault again, but instead he sighed.
“My parents are pressing charges.”
My stomach turned over. “But... but they can’t do that.”
Simon shrugged. “Parents be crazy. I told them to let it go, but my mom’s pretty mad. And she thinks... sorry, Grace... but she thinks your mom’s kind of losing it and might be dangerous.”
“That’s not true. That’s not true at all.” Except I was scared that maybe it was true. She’d hit Simon. And she kept spacing out. Not like normal spacing out, where you get distracted for a few minutes. It was like she was disappearing into another world.
“Well...”
“Mom’s not crazy. She’s just scared and upset. She shouldn’t have done what she did, but you get it, right?” I really, really wanted him to agree with me.
“I hear you. But you know, she broke into the house, and then she hit me...” He let his voice trail off.
“She broke into your house?” That was the first I’d heard of that. My skin went hot and cold. Simon looked at me sadly, which made me feel like a little kid. I hate that feeling. Maybe he saw that, because he leaned over and gave me a quick hug.
“I could talk to my mom, if you want. Ask her again to just let things go.”
“That would be really good. Please. If you can.”
