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“Oh, my god.” I scrunch my nose and shake my head. “Absolutely not. That’s going on the avoid list forever.”
“I think we’re missing something,” Amanda says to Katelin, and I laugh.
“Sorry. He keeps coming up with these horrendous pet names,” I explain. “They’re getting worse and worse.”
“There’s only one she likes,” Shawn says, and he loops his arm around my waist. His fingers fan out across my hip, and his thumb draws a torturous pattern on the hem of my shirt. “All the others have been vetoed.”
“Two, actually. I really, really like two of them,” I say softly, and his eyes twinkle.
“I remember when I was stupid in love,” Katelin says. “The beginning part of a relationship is always the most fun.”
“Maybe. But I’m going to make sure we’re still stupid in love in ten years,” he says, and he looks down at me. “I’m going to make sure we’re still having fun, too. Would that be alright with you, Lacey girl?”
It’s an act.
Iknowit’s an act, but that doesn’t stop my stomach from swooping low. From my heart racing in my chest. From a warm and fuzzy sensation rolling down my shoulders and settling behind my ribs. From envisioning Shawn ten years down the road, his hair a little gray but his smile just as wide.
“Yes,” I say, a hysterical sound that bubbles up my throat and falls out into the world.
I don’t know if I’m saying yes to the pretend version of us or something that could be real, but I let it slip out anyway because I don’t care. With him, I always want to say yes.
Maybe I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Maybe Shawn and I can justexist, soaked in gratitude and warmth and the spirit of the best time of the year. Maybe the rest will work itself out, what’s meant to be finding a way to be. Maybe we don’t have to rush it; it’s something we can ease into, like a bath or fresh cup of coffee.
If I blinked, I would’ve missed the way Shawn’s eyes widened. The dip of his chin and the touch of pink on the tips of his ears.
But I don’t miss it.
I see it as clear as day, just like I see him.
* * *
The restof the evening passes in loud laughter and hearty conversations. In seconds and thirds of lasagna, and a bottle of scotch replacing the bottle of wine. In Shawn’s hand on my thigh, the press of his fingers into my stockings a distracting thing.
We wind down by the fireplace, the logs crackling from heat and smoke rising to the chimney. I sit tucked into his side, my chin on his shoulder and my breath warm on his skin.
The two youngest girls have been put down for the night, and the adults are talking about the plans for tomorrow.
“We have a lot of houses to get to,” Shawn says. “This is the most donations Operation Give Back has ever seen.”
“People are in a giving mood,” his mom, Kelly, says. “Sometimes when the world is shit, you try to latch on to the good things happening around you. For a lot of people, that’s helping the community.”
“How many families are on your list?” I ask. “What’s a normal year look like?”
“Normally we have two hundred houses. This year we’ll be able to get to over three hundred,” he says.
I almost fall off the couch. “Oh, my gosh. Shawn, that’s wonderful. How does the day work? Do you drop the gifts on the porch? Do you stay and talk for a while?”
“Most of the families don’t know we’re coming. A couple do, because the kids asked for specific things we needed to get approval for; a dog from the rescue shelter. A wheelchair ramp for their grandmother to get in and out of the house. We didn’t want to show up and have the big gifts be a total surprise. I try to hang around for a few minutes, but I do want to make sure we get to everyone. We’re going to be hustling tomorrow.”
“That makes sense.” I take a sip of my drink and look around the room. “Do all of you participate?”
“We try to,” Katelin says. “It’s gotten harder with kids, especially the little ones. They get fidgety, and with the temperature dropping tonight, we don’t want them to get too cold.”
“I’d be happy to watch them,” I offer. “This is your family’s tradition, and I don’t want to take any time away from what you could be spending together.”
“You’re not, sweetheart,” Shawn says, soft enough for only me to hear. “I told you I want you there, and I do. We have a schedule so everyone can rotate and help out. Dad and I are the only ones who stay the whole time.”
“Okay. If you’re sure.”
