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Chapter 1
December 27, 2021
“Grandma! Grandpa! We here!” my daughter, Emery, yelled as soon as we entered their house.
Visiting them was nothing new. Since their neighborhood was right around the corner from our house, we were there practically every day at some point. Today, there was a heavy feeling in my heart though. It had been over two years since I walked through this door with Willow by my side. Two years since I lost the love of my life. As if the grief wasn’t enough to carry on my back, there was also the constant feeling of guilt that seemed to double in size on the anniversary of Willow’s death. Because I was the only person (still living) who had known that day was coming. Her family, her friends, her own daughter. None of them knew that the last time they saw Willow would be the last time ever.
Watching them grapple over what they would have done differently if they knew they only had limited time with her practically killed me. Because I knew. I didn’t have to live with any regrets. I loved Willow fully and unwaveringly for the twelve years that she was in my life. Of course, that didn’t help to ease the pain of losing her. Even two years later, it felt like I was walking around with a missing limb. There was a part of me—a huge part—that I would never get back. Willow was my soulmate. Even though our love story only lasted twelve years, those twelve years were filled with more love and memories than most people get in an entire lifetime. Willow changed my life in more ways than I could count, and all I wanted to do was hold her one more time. I wanted to watch her laugh while she held our daughter. I wanted her to stare into my soul as we made love. But I couldn’t do any of that anymore, because she was gone. Sure, I knew it was coming, but that didn’t make the loss hurt any less.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even realize my mother-in-law was now standing in front of me, struggling to hold my wiggling daughter in her arms. She hoisted Emery higher on her hip, then reached out a hand and squeezed my arm. “How are you doing, dear?” she asked, her small smile doing nothing to mask the sadness in her eyes.
I shrugged. “As well as can be expected. How are you?”
“We’re getting by.”
“We’re just happy we’ll have the whole family together tonight,” my father-in-law said as he walked into the hallway and wrapped me in a hug. When he pulled away, he kept his hands on my arms and flashed me a smile that was far from convincing. “Willow wouldn’t be very happy about all of these sad faces, you know. If she was here, she would definitely yell at us for wasting a perfectly good day.”
I laughed even as a stab of pain hit my heart. If she was here. Because she’s not. Even after two years, I still can’t adjust to not having her here by my side. “Hey, at least we’re having the barn party tonight. You know she’d love that.”
“Willow always did love a good barn party,” Willow’s brother, Phil, said as he walked down the stairs with his toddler son, Brody, clinging onto his leg, and his newborn son, Will (named after his aunt), in his arms. “If I remember correctly, you really loved those barn parties too.”
I laughed and shook my head. “You’re really never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“You mean the fact that you confessed your love for my sister to me at one of those parties?” Phil smiled and wrinkled his nose. “Not a chance.”
The abandoned barn, which was no longer abandoned since a few years earlier, my wife had bought it and turned it into an event space, played a crucial part in so much of our love story. It was where we fell in love, the place I confessed to Willow I wanted… correction—needed to be with her. It was where we got married and the house we were living in when our daughter was born. Now, it was the location of Stone Barn Events, owned and operated by Willow’s best friend, Tori Fittery. Every event held there was the perfect celebration of Willow’s life, but tonight was special. Last year, Tori had suggested that we throw a party at the barn together rather than all mourning Willow’s death separately. All I wanted to do on the one-year anniversary of my wife’s death was lock myself in a room and never come out, but Tori was right. I needed that party. We all did. That’s why, as soon as it was over, we all decided it needed to become a yearly tradition.
I had told Tori I would help her set up for the party, which was exactly why I was at my in-laws’ house right now. They had volunteered to watch Emery and Tori’s daughter, Bella, while we set everything up.
I looked around the house for any signs of Tori and Bella, and my mother-in-law laughed. “Oh, sweetie, did you really think those two would get here before you? I’ve known Tori since she was a kid. She was never on time before having her mini-me. The more that girl becomes like her, the more late the two of them are for… well, everything.” My mother-in-law laughed once again, shaking her head as she did.
Tori’s five-year-old daughter really was her mini-me, and that wasn’t just because of her blonde hair and blue eyes. She had Tori’s attitude, along with all of her sassiness. It was no wonder she and Emery were instant besties even at this young age, given that Emery was just like Willow.
Another hour passed before Tori came running into the house with Bella under one of her arms and her hair completely disheveled. “I’m so sorry I’m late. This one couldn’t find an outfit she liked.” She nodded toward Bella as she sat her down.
I couldn’t help but smile as I took in Bella’s princess dress that was paired with a backwards baseball cap and muddy sneakers. “Well, you look great,” I told her.
“Thanks.” Bella spun around as if she was a model showing off the latest fashion trend. “Do you think Auntie Willow would like it?”
“Auntie Willow would love it,” I answered, trying my best to hide the crack in my voice just from the mention of her name.
Any memories Bella and Emery had of Willow were from pictures and stories that we shared with the two of them. It broke my heart that my daughter wouldn’t have any real memories of her mom, but I also knew that Willow wanted it that way. She had planned everything out perfectly, down to the date our daughter should be born.
Bella ran over to where Emery was sitting on my mother-in-law’s lap and reached out her hand. “Come on, Em. Let’s go play.”
Emery jumped off her grandma’s lap and took Bella’s hand before the two of them skipped out of the room, giggling like crazy.
Tori smiled as she watched them leave, but that smile dropped as soon as she looked at me. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good.” I nodded slowly and bit my quivering lip. “Seriously. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.”
“Okay,” Tori repeated, the tone of her voice telling me that she didn’t believe me at all.
The amount of love and care everyone showed toward me only made me feel more guilty. We’d all lost someone, but since I lost my wife, they all believed I needed the most support. It’s not that the support wasn’t appreciated, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was tricking them somehow.
“Want to get going?” I asked her as I blinked back tears.
She nodded, then followed me out the door wordlessly after we said our goodbyes. “So, how are you really?” she asked when we got in the car.
