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“Then why is it that you go to bed with a smile on your face every night but a few times a week, I hear you crying in your bedroom?”
She heard that? Crap. “I didn’t realize you could hear me. You don’t think Emery can, do you?” Tori’s bedroom was next to mine while Emery and Bella’s was across the hall, and I hoped that little bit of extra space was enough to make a difference.
“I highly doubt it. If Emery heard it, she would have said something by now. She’s a toddler. They don’t have filters.”
That was a good point. Emery definitely hadn’t heard me. I let out a sigh of relief, and when I did, Tori squeezed my leg, causing my body to warm up even more. “I know you’re trying to stay strong for her, and as a mom, I completely get it. But the rest of us aren’t kids. You don’t have to stay strong for us. Especially not me.”
“It’s so ridiculous though. Willow has been gone for two and a half years. I shouldn’t still be crying myself to sleep at night.” Especially when I had so much time to prepare for this.
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous. Just the other day, something funny happened at work, and I picked up my phone to text Willow about it. Two and a half years, and I still instinctively try to talk to her whenever anything big or small happens. It’s normal. None of us ever expected to be living without her.”
I had, but I obviously couldn’t tell Tori that. “Did you cry?” I asked her instead. “When you remembered you couldn’t text Willow?”
“Cry?” Tori laughed loudly. “I sobbed like a baby.”
My heart hurt for her. I couldn’t bear to think about her crying alone in her office. “You could have called me.”
“You were working. I wasn’t going to call and interrupt while you were in the middle of class. Plus, that was unusual for me. If it was something that was happening often, like, let’s say, a few nights a week, I would definitely come to you.”
Point taken. “Nights are just really hard for me. I know you understand what I’m going through, and I’m not trying to take away from that, but nights are different. I got so used to Willow holding me, it’s weird being in bed alone.”
“Why don’t you sleep in here tonight? I know it’s not the same as laying next to the love of your life, but it was a long day. I’m sure tonight will be an emotional one. Maybe it will be good to have someone next to you, even if it is just me.”
“Are you sure?” I wasn’t sure if Tori was just offering to be nice since she probably figured I would say no, but I even surprised myself with how much I wanted to say yes. Something about having a warm body next to me, even if it wasn’t the body I wished it was, sounded great.
“Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have offered it if I wasn’t.”
I could tell by the sincerity in her voice that she meant it, so I moved up the bed and crawled under the covers, making sure to place myself right at the edge of the bed so Tori would have plenty of space. Tori got under the covers as well and said a quick goodnight before turning off her bedside lamp and shutting her eyes. I closed mine as well and listened as Tori’s breathing slowly leveled out.
Even though it was comforting being beside her, it didn’t stop the tears. “I still miss you every day,” I whispered quietly enough to make sure I didn’t wake Tori.
It must not have worked, because a few seconds later, warm arms wrapped around me as Tori’s body pushed up against mine from behind. “I miss her every day, too,” Tori whispered into my ear, causing a chill to run down my spine. “Is this okay, by the way?”
It was the first time anyone other than Willow had held me like this and if it was anyone other than Tori, I’m sure it would have made me feel uncomfortable. But it was the opposite with her. Maybe it was because I had known Tori for so long. Maybe it was because I knew there wasn’t any hidden meaning or feelings behind her cuddles. But something about being in her arms just felt right. “It’s perfect. Thank you, Tori.”
Instead of saying anything, Tori burrowed her head into my neck, and for the first time since I lost Willow, I drifted off to sleep, feeling like I was whole again.
Chapter 5
August 2022
“Happy birthday,” Tori whispered from where she was laying beside me in bed.
Ever since the night of Pride, anytime I started to cry at night, Tori would wordlessly crawl into my bed and hold me tight until I fell asleep. This was the first time I had ever woken up with her still in my bed though. “You’re still here,” I whispered back as I took in her messy blonde hair and tired blue eyes. Tori really was beautiful. I couldn’t stop that thought from popping into my head as I stared at her. It was a wonder she was still single.
“Yeah.” Tori’s cheeks turned the slightest bit red, which only served to make her look even cuter. My stomach did a weird flip at the sight, which I immediately blew off as hunger pangs. “Sorry. I normally set an alarm so I can head back to my own room once I know you’re asleep for the night, but I fell asleep before I thought to do it this time.”
“You don’t need to apologize.” I put my hand on her cheek, and her face was so warm, my hand burned where it touched her skin. “It’s really sweet of you to take care of me when I’m sad. You know you don’t have to.”
“I know. I want to. I like taking care of you. Of course, if you want me to stop, you can always just tell me. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You’re one of the most important people in my life, Tori. You could never make me uncomfortable.”
Tori watched me for a long time without saying a word, her eyes so focused that I thought I might have to take back my previous statement. That amount of attention was making me a little uncomfortable. Not in a bad way though. It was a discomfort that, weirdly enough, I wanted to feel.
“You are the most important person in my life, Rosemary,” Tori said when she finally spoke again. “Well, you and Bella. And Emery, of course.” She cleared her throat as she continued to stare into my eyes as if she was searching for something. “But you’re the most important fully functional person in my life.”
“I think you’re giving me a little too much credit, calling me fully functional,” I teased. I had to do anything to ease some of the tension building up around us. At least, it felt tense to me. Again, not in a bad way, but in a way that was starting to make me squirm a little bit.
