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Fern looked like she wanted to either cry or run away, but her feet didn’t move. “I know this is weird. I’m sorry. It’s been three and a half years, and, well, I didn’t even know about what happened to your wife until last year when I found an article online. My parents…” Fern cleared her throat. “They didn’t want me to know what happened. They were afraid I would beat myself up over it, and they were right. I’ve had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that hasn’t gone away since I found out. I’m not here because I expect you to make me feel better. I just wanted to… I don’t know… I guess say I’m sorry. Obviously, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It was so cold and the roads were frozen and there was—”
I put my hand up to stop her. “I know what happened. You don’t have to tell me.”
Tears came to Fern’s eyes as she took a long shaky breath and blew it out. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I’m really messing this up. I don’t know what I’m doing. I guess I just wanted to tell you that your wife saved my life in more ways than one. I was going through a really bad time in my life. I had a crush on one of my female classmates and I told someone who I thought was my friend about it and she told my crush, and the whole thing blew up. My parents found out, and they weren’t accepting of it, and I… I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t try to… the accident… I wasn’t… it really was an accident. Your wife gave me a second chance at life, but reading about her, also taught me how to live. I’m not just out, but I’m also proud. I want to live my life fully for her since she can’t.” A sob escaped as she shut her eyes and shook her head, and as much as it hurt me to be reminded of this horrific time in my life, it hurt more to see this girl beating herself up over it, because that’s not what Willow would want. “I’m the reason she can’t, and I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around Fern and pulled her into a tight embrace. “You don’t need to apologize. This isn’t your fault.”
Both of us cried as we held each other, and it was oddly comforting. I never met this girl before and up until today, the thought of her turned my stomach because it reminded me of losing Willow. But maybe seeing her face to face was actually exactly what I needed. Maybe this was another part of my healing—seeing another life that Willow saved.
Normally, I hated when people focused on how she died, because that wasn’t important. Sure, she died a hero, but the important part was that was exactly how she lived. She might have physically saved Fern’s life, but that wasn’t the only life she saved. She saved my life. She saved my parents’ lives. I’m sure Tori would say she saved hers. Countless people I don’t even know wouldn’t be the same without Willow. That’s what I wished people would focus on. Not the day she was born, the day she died, or how few years she had in between. I wanted people to focus on how she lived those years, because, really, that’s what was important.
Fern wiped her eyes as she pulled away from me. “Thank you for saying that. I wish I could do something for you. I realize I’m only sixteen and can’t do much, but I’d do anything to repay your family for what your wife did for me.” She looked to the ground and kicked a small stone. “Unfortunately, nothing I do could ever be enough. You lost something you’ll never get back.”
“There’s one thing you could do.” My words not only surprised Fern who looked up at me with wide, yet eager, eyes, but they also surprised me. I knew what I needed to tell her though. Willow had put it on my heart. I had no question about that. “You can live.” I motioned around the festival. “We didn’t make the slogan for Pride ‘Live Like Willow’ for no reason. Willow lived every moment of her life to the fullest, and I have absolutely no question that she would want you to do the same.”
Fern’s body thudded against mine as she wrapped me in another tight hug. “Thank you. I will. I promise. I hope you’re able to do the same.”
I’m not sure what other words passed between us as we said our goodbyes because I was in such a haze.
A hand landed on my lower back, and I looked over to find Tori staring at me intently. “Are you okay?”
What a question. Maybe I’d be able to answer it when my world stopped spinning. “Yes? No? I honestly don’t know.”
“Let’s head home. I think you need some space from all of this.”
“We can’t. We’re in charge.”
Tori chuckled. “The day’s almost over. I’ll text Silas and Lisa to explain why we had to leave. With all of the volunteers we have this year, they’ll have no problem with teardown.”
“But what about the girls? What about the rule of not being alone?” I knew I was spiraling, but I couldn’t stop.
“We’ll ask your parents to bring them over in a little bit. You know they won’t mind the extra time.”
Tori took my keys and drove us home. I stared out the window but didn’t notice anything that passed us by. Flashing before my eyes were the events of the day we lost Willow. The last time I saw her smiling face. The call that I knew was coming but still wasn’t prepared for. My initial anger over how she risked her life for someone she didn’t even know. My anger at myself for getting mad at Willow for something I knew she had no control over. The days that followed. Complete strangers talking about what a hero she was. The anger that returned, because they didn’t really understand. They didn’t see the heroic things Willow did every single day of her life. They didn’t see what I saw—the woman who could make my whole day better with one smile.
“We’re home,” Tori said softly when she pulled in the driveway.
I tried to move, but I felt like I was rooted in place. When I didn’t budge, Tori got out of the car and came to my side to open the door for me. She took my hand and helped me out then kept her hand on my back as we walked into the house. Once we were inside, she led me into the family room and directed me to sit down on the couch.
She left the room and hurried back in a minute later with a glass of water. She handed it to me as she sat down beside me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I took a big sip of the water and shook my head. “I’m still trying to process it all.” I wasn’t trying to be dramatic. My emotions were all very jumbled, and at this point, I didn’t even know if I was happy or sad.
Tori rubbed circles along my back that felt unfairly perfect. “Can I tell you how I feel?”
Shit. Of course. I’ve been so overwhelmed, I never even thought of the fact that Tori was affected too. “Yes. Please. I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about.” Tori sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “Can I be honest about something?”
“Of course. Always.”
“I used to be so angry at that girl. I blamed her for the death of my best friend, because it was easier to be mad than sad. Even after all this time, I still think, deep down, I was a little mad. But now that I’ve looked in her eyes and seen that she really is human, I can’t be angry anymore. And I guess that’s a good thing. It should be. But I’m always looking for people to blame in situations like this, and if I can’t blame her, then my gut reaction is to be pissed at Willow. Because why would she do it? Why would she put her life on the line for someone else?”
“Because that’s Willow. It’s just how she was. It was never about her. It was always about everyone else.”
“But what about me? I needed her. I feel so selfish saying it, but it’s true. She gave me a family. She was my sister. Why didn’t she think of me?”
Because she was going to die no matter what, so she probably figured she might as well help someone else live. I couldn’t say that, of course. “I wish I had the answers for you.” Even with everything I knew, there was so much more I didn’t understand.
