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I put my hand on Tori’s knee and laid my head on her shoulder, because I needed that closeness right now. I also needed her to know that I was there for her. After Willow died, everyone’s focus was on me because I was her wife. I loved Willow with my whole heart for ten years, but Tori loved her from the time they were kids. “I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you enough after everything happened.”
Tori’s hand stopped making patterns on my back. “What? How could you say that? You’ve helped me more than anyone else. We both experienced a horrible tragedy that neither of us saw coming. We’ve each done the best we could.”
A knot tied in my stomach, because I did know it was coming, and the guilt over that still tore me apart. Especially when it came to Tori. “I think I needed to see Fern today,” I said when I finally found the words. “It was healing to see her. After the accident, everyone wanted to focus on ‘Willow the hero’ and that one day, but Willow was a hero her whole life. I thought it was so unfair that her whole life got condensed into one day, one moment. But seeing Fern, I don’t know. It put things into a sharper perspective. She’s still changing that girl’s life, just like she’s still changing mine.”
Tori tilted her head and smiled sweetly at me, her lips only inches from mine, a fact I wasn’t going to think about. “She’s still changing mine, too. I don’t think Willow came into anyone’s life and didn’t change it.”
Before I could say anything else, there was a knock at the front door. I stood to answer and as I got closer, I could already hear the little girls chattering about the fort. I took a deep breath when I put my hand on the doorknob. Time to put on my brave mom face. “Who’s ready for a blanket fort?” I shouted with as much excitement as I could muster.
Both Emery and Bella bounced up and down while shouting, “Me, me, me!”
They pushed past me, leaving me and my mom. I moved off to the side. “Do you want to come in?”
My mom shook her head. “I know the four of you have a special night planned. I don’t want to interfere. Plus, I should get home to your father. I just wanted to make sure you were doing okay.”
I smiled at my mom’s worry. My relationship with my parents was the greatest gift Willow left me with. Well, after the gift that was currently in the family room giggling with her best friend. “I’m good. Thanks. I think I needed to just get away, but Tori took care of that.”
My mom subtly lifted both eyebrows and smiled in a way that I would classify more like a smirk, as if she knew something I didn’t. “I really like Tori.”
I chose to ignore the tone of her voice, because there’s no way she meant that in the way it sounded like she did. My mom had no idea anything happened between us, and she definitely wasn’t trying to secretly tell me she approved. “I do too,” I answered as nonchalantly as possible.
“I know you do.” There was that smile again. What the hell? Before I could question it, my mom pulled me into a hug. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I love you, sweetie. Have a good night.”
When I shut the door, my head spun with even more confusing thoughts. I decided not to think about that though, because that’s not what tonight was about. Tonight was about time with three of my favorite girls, which I was desperately in need of.
When I walked into the family room, there was already a pile of blankets on the ground. Tori and I rearranged the furniture and set up the blankets while Emery and Bella mostly just gave us orders. After the fort was set up, Tori helped the girls pick out a movie while I made us all mac and cheese.
Emery patted the spot on the floor next to her when I came in with the food. “Mama, lay next to me.”
I did as directed and took my spot next to her while Tori laid on the opposite side next to Bella. We all laughed together as we ate and watched the movie. When Emery was done eating, she snuggled close to me and shut her eyes. I looked over at Tori, and Bella was doing the same. It was the perfect ending to a very emotional day. When Tori looked over at me and smiled, I was hit square in the chest with the realization that this was all I wanted every day for the rest of my life. Holy shit. I needed to go to bed before I did something I would regret like asking Tori to come with me.
I slowly moved away from Emery and stood up. I stretched my arms above my head and yawned to emphasize that I was tired and totally not running away. When I looked back at Tori, she was already staring at me with wide, unblinking eyes. She swallowed hard as our eyes met. It looked like she wanted to say something, but when a few seconds passed without a word, I turned to leave.
“Goodnight, Tori.” I didn’t dare look at her again as I started to walk out of the room. “Thanks for everything today.”
“Um, Rosemary?” I stopped and slowly turned around, my breath catching in my throat from how Tori was looking at me. It was even more intense than before and had my body on edge in the most uncomfortable, yet exhilarating way. “I’m at a ten, so yeah. I guess we’ll have to figure that out tomorrow.”
Her words would have made me anxious if my initial reaction wasn’t giddiness over the fact that Tori felt the same way as me. If only my body knew that didn’t change anything for us (unfortunately). “Or we could just pretend we aren’t at ten, right? That way things don’t have to change.” I flashed Tori my best puppy dog eyes, even though I was sure it wouldn’t actually work.
“We?”
“Obviously. Did you really think I didn’t feel the same way? How couldn’t I?”
Tori took a deep breath through her nose then blew it out. “We do need to talk about this.”
My stomach plummeted as all of my giddiness melted away. “I can’t lose you, Tori. Today proved that even more. You know me better than anyone else. I need you.”
“You’re not going to lose me. I need you too. We’ll figure this out. I promise.” Tori nodded her head down the hall and flashed me a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Get some sleep. This was a long day.”
I wasn’t sure if sleep was going to be a possibility given my impending conversation with Tori, but as soon as my head hit the pillow, the tiredness of the day took over and I drifted off to sleep.
***
A bright light shined into my bedroom, and I assumed it was the morning sun until I realized it was coming from beside me in bed rather than through the window. I shielded my eyes, then rubbed them once I noticed who was sitting beside me. I knew she wasn’t actually there, so when I opened them once again, I expected her to be gone, but she wasn’t. She was sitting right beside me with that big beautiful smile on her face. “Willow? What? How? Am I dreaming?”
Willow shrugged. “Maybe it’s a dream. Maybe an apparition. Perhaps I’m an angel or even a ghost. Who knows. Either way, I’ll be gone in the morning.” Willow continued to smile as if that wasn’t the most heartbreaking thing in the whole world.
“But I don’t want you to go.” Tears immediately sprung to my eyes. I reached out, but there was nothing to touch. She wasn’t really there (at least not physically), no matter how much I wanted her to be. “I need you. I miss you. Stay with me.”
