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I didn’t want to overthink my reaction, but overthinking was what I did best, especially when I was drunk. Why did the fact that Tori said it would be weird to bone me make my stomach hurt? She wasn’t wrong. It would be so weird. So why was I even thinking about it right now?
Then it hit me. The reaction wasn’t in response to what she said. It was the fact that she called me Rosemary. Almost everyone in my life called me Mary, mostly because at one point, that’s what I preferred. But Willow always called me Rosemary, and hearing the way it sounded rolling off her lips had made it grow on me, so much so that now that she was gone I missed hearing it.
“You called me Rosemary,” I said softly.
“Yeah. Earlier when we were telling stories about Willow, you mentioned that you loved how she always called you Rosemary instead of Mary.” Tori shrugged nonchalantly, as if it wasn’t incredibly sweet that she picked up on such a tiny detail. “If that was a special Willow thing though, I’ll stick to calling you Mary. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “My parents call me Rosemary. I like it. Thank you. It just took me by surprise. But seriously, thank you.”
“So, Rosemary it is from now on,” Lisa said. She wrapped an arm around my waist before looking between me and Tori once again. “But seriously. What’s the deal with you two living together?”
As Tori explained the details of our future living arrangement, I let myself zone out as I looked around the barn. It looked much different than the junk pile we used to party in, but I could still picture those days perfectly. I pictured Willow walking toward me the first time I went to a party at the barn, and the way her eyes lit up when she saw me. That sparkle that was reserved just for me never disappeared from that night in the barn until the last time I saw her walk out our front door.
My eyes drifted to the dance floor, and I thought about Willow dancing with someone else when we were attempting not to be together. I remembered thinking about how I might never get the chance to dance with her, but, man, was I wrong. And thank god for that. No matter what type of music we were dancing to, all those moments spent wrapped in Willow’s arms live in my memories forever. Even in this moment, I can still feel those strong arms wrapped around me. I wished more than anything it wasn’t just a figment of my imagination, a memory that I was desperately clinging on to. I wanted to open my eyes and find that Willow’s death was nothing but a nightmare and that we still laughed about the fact that we actually believed it was going to happen.
When I opened my eyes again, I found that it wasn’t a nightmare. At least not the kind that you had at night. This was a nightmare that I was living and still trying to recover from two years later, even though I had twelve years to prepare.
I sprung to my feet when I felt the tears burning my eyes. I quickly wiped them away before looking at my friends. “I’m going to go to sleep, sorry. I don’t mean to run out, but this… I’m just… yeah. I need some time alone. I’m sorry.” I practically ran out of the barn before my friends could say or do anything. It definitely wasn’t my finest moment, but I knew they would understand.
I only stopped for a moment to look out at the vast field in front of me. I pictured the time Willow and I fought over whether or not we should be together before she dragged me to her car where we made love. Sloppy, drunken love, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t special, especially since the next day was when we officially became a couple. That thought made me remember the note I had shoved deep into my pocket hours ago. I quickly walked into the house, while I put my hand inside my pocket to make sure it was still there. It was. Thank God. I don’t know how I would explain these notes if anyone ever found them, since most of them alluded to the fact that Willow knew she was going to die.
I locked myself in the bathroom just to be safe and finally pulled the note out of my pocket. I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed from my eyes as I read the words, and I didn’t bother trying.
01/14/2011
Dear Rosemary,
I can truly say I never thought this day would come, but you’re officially my girlfriend now. Thank you for yelling at me and finally knocking some sense into me. Because of you (and that amazing speech you made in our kitchen this morning), I get to officially call you mine for 3,629 days. I feel like the luckiest girl in the whole world. I think I’ve already pinched myself about a million times to make sure this isn’t a dream.
Whenever you get sad, I hope you read this note and remember how happy we were today. Whenever you miss me, I hope these words remind you how much I love you today, tomorrow, and forever. Even when we’re not together, you’ll always be my girl. Don’t forget that. Please.
I could go on forever, but I think I’ll stop now. You’re asleep in the bed that we now share (thank you, Tori and Lisa) and as much as I want to let you sleep so I can keep listening to those cute little snores, I think I’m going to wake you up so I can make love to you again.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
Your girlfriend (Aaaaah love it),
Willow
In spite of how sad I felt, the note still made me smile. It was crazy how Willow could still do that even without being physically near me.
I crushed the note to my chest and closed my eyes as I lifted them toward the Heavens (i.e. the ceiling of Tori’s bathroom). “You’ll always be my girl too, Willow. I love you so much, babe.”
I stood from where I was sitting on the edge of the tub and took a deep breath that I slowly blew out. I had made it through another year without the other half of my heart, and although it wasn’t always easy, I had kept my promise to Willow to keep living my life. That was something worth celebrating.
Chapter 3
March 18, 2022
“I think that’s the last of it,” I said as I placed a heavy box on top of Tori’s bed.
Tori looked around her new bedroom and smiled. “I can’t believe we’re officially housemates again. This is now the third place we’ve lived together.”
Much to my surprise, that reminder made me feel sad instead of happy. I expected to feel good about Tori moving in, but that was like a stab to the chest. This was the first place that belonged to just me and Willow. With Tori moving in, it was no longer just ours. I had now lived with Tori in the same number of homes that I lived with Willow. Even though I knew it was irrational, a part of me felt like I was betraying Willow. It was crazy for me to feel that way, since I knew for a fact this was exactly what Willow would want, but I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried.
I hadn’t even noticed Tori walking over to me until I felt her hands on my arms. “What’s up? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because I can tell something is wrong.”
“It’s…” I paused as I tried to think of a word to say other than nothing. “Dumb. It’s honestly really stupid. So stupid that it’s not worth sharing it with you and getting you upset as well.”
