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"I heard that," she sighs as she walks toward us, a cup in her hands. "Here, Preach, I made you a coffee. It may help."
Fuck, they're so domesticated. Tyson is right where he belongs with the two of them. There's no doubting that. But it doesn't stop the jealousy flowing through my veins. He was my boy, my son. I loved him as such, and for a time, I was all that he knew, and now he doesn't even know me.
I give Esme a wink, trying to play off the hurt and jealousy. "Thanks, Es. Still as gorgeous as ever."
"Brother," Reaper warns me. He's very territorial when it comes to his old lady. "I will gut you where you stand. Take your eyes off her."
I can't help but chuckle. It's so easy to rile Reaper up. "Thanks for the coffee, Es. I'm goin' to shower and get some sleep."
Her eyes widen. "So soon? You’ve just got here."
"It’s been a fuckin’ long day, Es. I’ll see you in the mornin’." I close the door behind me, shutting out the image of the little boy who's now in Reaper's arms. The boy that was once mine.
Christ, maybe coming here wasn't the best idea. The pain that had been numbed is back in full force. Seeing Tyson again, and him not knowing who I am, is fucking gutting. I didn't expect it to hurt. Hell, I didn't expect him to not know who I was.
That's how fucked up I am. I'm so far up my own ass, I can't even see reality.
Damn it. How the fuck am I supposed to find a way out of all this mess without fucking it all up further?
CHAPTER21
PREACHER
"You still look like shit, brother," Reaper says as he enters my room. He's holding two mugs in his hand and his expression is closed. I have a feeling this is going to be a fucking long and uncomfortable conversation, but it's been a long fucking time coming. "Wanted to let you rest as I knew you'd not been sleepin'. Honestly, Preach, you look like hell."
I chuckle. I can always trust Reaper to lay it on me straight. "I fuckin' feel like hell."
He hands me one of the mugs. "Here drink that. I'm not sure if they have the good stuff over in Ireland."
I take the mug and take a sip of the coffee and wait. He's here for a reason. I'm just going to wait him out. I keep my gaze firmly on him and it doesn't take long for him to get to the point.
"You're a fuckin' asshole, you know that?"
"Yeah, brother, I know. I've fucked up more times than I can count. But I did what was best for me and I did what was best for Tyson. Had I stayed, you and Esme wouldn't have been able to have the connection that you do now." I heard them last night. They're a real family. Had I stayed, that bond they have now would never have been able to happen. I don't think I'd have had the strength to allow it to.
He sighs and glances away. He knows I'm right. "That bein' said, what the fuck is wrong with you? Hmm? You don't answer the millions of calls and texts? You're an asshole, Preacher, a fuckin' asshole."
"I know," I say. "Trust me, brother, I know. But I needed to put space between me and this entire situation. You have no fuckin' idea how it feels to lose a child."
"You didn't have to," he snarls. "I was never goin' to fuckin' take him from you. Not fuckin' ever."
"You say that now, brother, but you didn't know what the future held. You had no idea what would happen a year or two down the line. I made the choice to leave for all our sakes."
"You're a damn martyr," he spits. "I get that you had to go. Fuck, I would have probably done the exact same thing, but, brother, the shit you and I have gone through... Ignorin' me was never the way to go. Not fuckin' ever."
I take a deep breath. This is what he wanted to talk about. Not Tyson. This. "No, it wasn't. But I couldn't listen to you talk about Ty, Reaper. I couldn't bear to listen to how you were playing happy families with him while I was dying with the grief of losing him."
I watch as he swallows hard. "Fuck, brother."
"So while I get that you're pissed, that I fuckin' hurt you, I did what I needed to keep my sanity. I did what I had to in order to keep my sanity."
He flicks his tongue against the piercing on his lip. It's something he does when he's thinking a lot. "Fuck, brother, I hadn't realized it was so bad. Pyro, Raptor, and Wrath didn't say it had gotten that bad."
"Why would they? You know me, Reap. I'm not one to let anyone know how I'm feelin'. Fuck, most of the time, I'm drunk as a fuckin' skunk."
He shakes his head. "Thought you stopped that shit?" he growls.
When he came out of prison, I was in a bad place. I think I'd been drunk the majority of the time he was inside. Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of the darkness with his and the rest of the brothers’ help. I haven't sunk to that depth again. I think mainly because I had Ailbhe to take my mind off things during the nights.
