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“So you get all these cravings and longings for something that’s bad for you, because you only remember how good it felt once upon a time,” Tex said. “Because drugs, alcohol, sex, unhealthy relationships, they all feel good at first. There’s a reason we become addicted to them.”
Cole squeezed the back of his neck.Unhealthy relationships.Was that why he’d gone back to Nancy over and over for the past three decades? Because he’d wanted to experience the good parts of being with her again so badly that he gave himself amnesia for the bad?
“It’s harder to remember the whole story,” Tex continued. “But when we get a craving, we have to play it all the way through. From the euphoria of the high to the reality of the low. The fights we had when we finally stumbled home, the hangovers, the withdrawals when we couldn’t get that next fix, being on edge all the time.”
“Letting everyone down,” Stanley said softly. “Letting myself down. Feeling sick. Feeling ashamed.” When he looked up again, his eyes were clear. “I’m not going back there.”
“That’s right, brother,” Tex said, leaning over to squeeze his shoulder. “Always play it through to the end.”
Gong-like. That was the only way Cole could describe how Tex’s words reverberated through his bones.
“You okay, Cole?” Ace asked, his long legs crossed in front of him. “You look a little like a fish I caught last summer.”
Realizing it was gaping, Cole closed his mouth. “Sorry. I’m just wondering where this advice has been my entire life, that’s all. Did Madigan teach you all that?”
With a wry grin, Tex clicked his tongue. “He’s more than just a pretty face.”
Deciding to wait until he was alone to lapse into a full-fledged existential crisis, because it was possible he’d never once played anything in his life through to the end, including coming back to Red Falls, Cole said, “Does anyone else have anything they want to talk about?”
Sam took a deep breath, then blew it out through his lips. “I’m nervous.” While the rest of the men settled down again, waiting quietly, Sam explained. “I’m leaving Little Timber next month, and it’s kind of freaking me out. I definitely don’t want to stay here forever. But the idea of leaving is…”
“Heavy?” Stanley suggested.
Several of the men grunted their agreement.
“Yeah,” Sam said. “And it’s not that I’m worried about using again.”
Heads whipped up, even Murphy’s.
Raising his hands, laughing, Sam amended, “Okay, I’m notonlyworried about using again. Look, I know things won’t magically be perfect with Izzy and Sara, but I’m ready to put the work in. So that’s not what’s keeping me up at night either. It’s more like…” He looked up to the sky. “It’s hard to describe.”
Cole, who had a thousand words for every emotion he’d ever felt, wondered if there was something in the water in Red Falls that made people clam up. Sam, Davis, Kev, Mira—who’d literally pushed him out of her bakery the other day after he’d held her hand over his heart in the shower and told her, “It beats a little faster when I’m with you.”
“This is a safe space, Sam,” Stanley said. “If you want to talk about it, we’re listening.”
“It’s just… It’s embarrassing.”
“Aww,” Thom crooned. “Are you worried about not being able to sleep without Tex in the next bed over?”
Elbowing Thom in the ribs, Kev said, “Don’t be an idiot.”
“Thom may be an idiot,” Sam said evenly, “but he’s not completely wrong. Obviously, I don’t need Tex sleeping next to me every night, even though it’s been nice, like summer camp. But it’s little things like that. Mundane, everyday things. I’m gonna have to go grocery shopping, open up a bank account, pay my bills, get a job. Actuallygoto that job, like, consistently. I wasn’t very good at that stuff before, and when I think of the responsibilities waiting for me out there, the stress involved in just existing as a sober, functioning member of society, I’m freaking terrified. What if, even after all the tools I’ve learned here and all the strategies Madigan’s taught me, it’s still too much?” His huffed laughter lacked any humor. “What if I just suck at real life?”
After a beat, Ace said, “So what if you do?”
Sam frowned. “What if I suck?”
“Yeah. What if you went back to real life with the mindset that it was okay to suck at it? Maybe it’s okay to be overwhelmed by having to pay bills and hold down a job. Maybe it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you if it’s all really hard at first. Maybe sober, functioning members of society are just better at messing up than we are. Maybe they’re more”—Ace scratched his chin thoughtfully—“forgivingof themselves.”
Half the men nodded, the other half stared at the ground.
“We’re gonna let people down,” Ace continued. “It’s inevitable. And letting them down by forgetting the eggs at the grocery store is a hell of a lot better than letting them down by using again. For people like us, just forgetting the eggs is, like, progress. We should celebrate it.”
After a moment of silence, Sam made an explosive sound, his fingers flinging into the air. “I need to build a shelter for that insight bomb.”
“Sometimes,” Tex said, “I wonder if one of the reasons we became addicts is because we’re all so scared of the same thing.”
“Failing?” Cole guessed.
