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Why the fuck do I feel guilty about being with Janine, when I thought Harper was dead?
I didn’t do a single thing wrong, yet I feel like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet.
Like I’m letting them both down.
I hate lying.I fucking hate it.
Having to tell Janine I’m going out of town because someone died, was the worst of me.I have never felt so fucking disgusted in myself as I did in that moment.I lied straight to her face, and, worse, I lied about something that should never be lied about.This is fucking wrecking me, and I need to take some time to work it out.
I’m staying in a hotel a few towns over for a week, maybe more, until I can figure out this shit with Harper.When I do, I’ll talk to Janine.I know she won’t take it well, hell, she’s going to fucking lose it when she finds out I’ve lied to her, but right now, it’s the only way.I still haven’t wrapped my mind around the fact that Harper is alive.
That alone is something I’m struggling to even process.
The way I felt when she was declared dead is a feeling I can remember so starkly.It was soul crushing and I never, not for a single fuckin’ second, thought my life would be okay again.I had nothing to live for, and I was so certain I’d never feel about another woman, the way I felt about her.Then I met Janine, and I was proved wrong.She showed me that I could feel that way again.
But in my mind, Harper was dead.
There was simply no choice.
Now...there is.
Pulling my bike to a stop outside the same large house, I throw my leg over and stare up at it.
Seeing her again took the air clean out of my lungs.
It was like seeing a ghost, and yet, at the same time, as if nothing had changed.
The problem is, everything has changed.
We’re not kids anymore, we’re not young lovers wanting to take off into the world together.Shit has happened, shit that changes a person.I don’t know if either of us will ever be those people again.Yet seeing her, sitting there, smiling at me, took me back to a time when she was my whole fucking world.
The same officer greets me at the door, and I walk inside, down the hall and to the room where she will be sitting, by the window, staring out, her eyes taking in the beautiful view.
It’s fucking gut wrenching.
Reaching for the door handle, I turn it and push it open.
Her head turns when she hears it, and her eyes lighten in a way that makes the grip around my heart tighter.Pushing to her feet, she walks over, her smile meek but beautiful.“You came back.”
Was I really given the option not to?It’s not as if I can simply tell her to have a good life and go home with Janine as if nothing happened.She knows that coming back is going to turn my world upside down, but she returned anyway.
“Didn’t think I had a choice,” I murmur, my voice low and throaty.
Her face flashes with hurt as she reaches out, cupping my jaw.“I’m sorry I have done this to you, I wish I could explain more but, right now, I can’t.”
“I thought you were dead, Harper.I accepted it.I moved on.Now you’re here ...”
Her eyes search my face.“It’s a lot, I can’t even imagine how hard it is.Can we go somewhere, catch up?I’m sure you have a lot of questions, I guess I do, too.I want us both to have the chance to talk, properly, without all of this.”
She’s right about that, I do have questions, and they’re questions I want answered.
The officer hovering behind us all the time isn’t making that easy.
“I’m staying in a hotel a few towns over.For obvious reasons, I can’t be seen with you in town.”
She drops her hand, stepping back, a sadness washing over her face that fucking kills me.“You didn’t tell her.”
“Tell her what, Harper?”I growl, my tension rising.“My wife came back from the fucking dead, and I have been sneaking around to see her?”
