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Her eyes drop to the floor.
Fuck.
I’m not trying to be a dick, but this isn’t easy.
“Look, I’m sorry,” I murmur.“I’m not tryin’ to be a dick, but this is fuckin’ tough.”
“I understand,” she whispers.“I don’t expect you to give up your life for me, Brian.I know you have moved on, I just ...you were all I thought about.For so long, you were the only thing that kept me going.”
Why the fuck does she have to say things like that?
It only confuses me more.
“I thought you were dead.”
Her eyes narrow with a level of pain I completely understand.“I’m sorry.I know you’ve moved on and ...Do you love her?”
Closing my eyes, my chest clenches as I think about Janine and her beautiful smile, and the way she makes my heart so fucking happy.“Yes,” I say, opening my eyes and meeting hers.“So fuckin’ much.”
Harper flinches.“And me?”
“Never stopped lovin’ you, Harper, but I thought you were dead.You’re forgetting that point.It changes everything.”
Rubbing her hands together, she nods.“You’re the only thing in this world I want, Brian.I’ll wait forever for you, just like we promised.”
Clenching my fists, I want to bellow with the pent-up frustration building inside me.I don’t want to love Harper, because I spent a good portion of my life getting over her, but at the same time, we have history and seeing her again is confusing every emotion inside of me.The thought of living without Janine, though, is equally as crippling.
“I’m goin’ to need some time,” I tell her, my voice gruff.
She nods.“I understand.Will you please meet up with me later, just for a drink?I want to talk, to know how your life has been.Can we at least do that, for now?”
“I’m lyin’ to everyone I love right now.”
She offers me a soft expression.“I’m not asking you to.”
She’s right.She’s not.
“I’ll meet you,” I tell her.“But after that, I need to figure this out.Need you to understand that, yeah?”
She smiles, stepping forward to reach out and tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear, just like Janine does.I flinch, but I don’t push her away.“I have thought about you every second of every day, Brian.I wish you knew just how much I love you.”
“You let me believe you were gone.All those years, you let me suffer.”
Her eyes grow pained.“I never wanted to hurt you, believe me.If I had a choice, I would have told you I was alive, but that would have put you, my family, everyone I loved at risk.I had no choice.One day, I hope I can tell you the whole story, but, for now, I need you to understand I would never do anything to hurt you if I could help it.”
Nodding, I step back.“I gotta go check in.I’ll call.”
“Before you go,” she asks, reaching out and taking my hand, “can I hug you?Please?If you knew how much I needed it ...”
I’d thought of how it would feel to have her in my arms again constantly for so many years, but then one day, those thoughts faded.Didn’t mean I didn’t miss her, fuck, I did.Every waking moment I thought about the life we had planned, but, eventually, the pain became a dull ache that I learned to live with.
She steps forward, and I take her into my arms.
Who am I to say no?
She was my wife, and once, I thought she was the only person I would ever love.
Being shorter than me, her head rests perfectly on my chest as she curls her arms around my waist, her small body molding against mine.Closing my eyes, I exhale, allowing myself just this one moment to let myself feel, because when I step away, I know I’ll have to make a choice.
