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When she’s gone, I fall down to my knees and a loud sob rips from my throat.Hurt, unlike anything I’ve ever endured, consumes me.I can’t breathe, I can’t even think, all I can do is cry on my knees, wishing that something would come along and take me out right now so I never have to feel this way again.The thought of his hands on her body, of him sitting beside her rubbing her belly, of him bringing their child into the world, has a scream leaving my throat.
“Janine, honey, oh my gosh.”
Serenity’s voice fills the room, and I look up at her with a pitiful expression, one that is so broken and empty that her face drops.She has seen me at my worst, and at my very best, but I know she’s never seen me like this.The pain in my chest is something I don’t think I’ll ever recover from.It feels as though someone has a knife in my heart and is just sitting, twisting and turning it, until I can do nothing but scream.
Her arms go around me, but it does nothing to dull the pain.
Nothing is ever going to take this away.
Nothing.
~*~*~*~*
ISHOULDN’T BE HERE, I know I shouldn’t, and yet here I am, standing at his door, knowing it’s the worst thing I could ever do.I’m so broken that I can’t stop the tears, they just flow and flow, and I know slowly they’re dehydrating me, but I don’t care.Serenity is with my kids because I told her I needed to see him.I just ...I don’t know, I needed to let this out.
I need him to see what he has done.
Nobody stopped me when I walked through the club.One look at my face told them it wasn’t worth it.Cade simply pointed to Muff’s door when I walked past him, as if he knew exactly what it was I needed.When I reach it, I stand there, panting, my body feeling so empty that I wish I could just curl up in a ball and make it go away.
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
I bang on the door, and, a moment later, he answers.
He’s wearing only a pair of jeans, his perfect chest on display.
All I can see are her hands on his chest, her mouth on his skin, his cock inside her.
A pained moan leaves my lips as my body tries to create more tears.
“It won’t go away,” I croak, not recognizing my own voice.“The pain just won’t leave.You broke me.All I can think about is your mouth on hers, your body, every single thing about you that I love with her.You are fucking destroying me.What did I ever do to you that you decided I simply wasn’t enough?When did I become nothing?”
“Baby,” he murmurs, reaching for me, but I slap his hands away, hiccupping as another sob rips out of my throat.
“I love you, god, I would have given you the world.I thought you loved me the same but you don’t.If you did, you would have stayed with me, you would have picked me, you would have never even considered a life without me in it.If you truly wanted me, your heart would have never been this confused.Do you know that she thinks she’s pregnant?”
His eyes flash.“What?”
“She came to me today.”I laugh, bitterly.“To tell me how sorry she was, but she didn’t leave without throwing that little bombshell.Now all I can imagine is you and her together, holding your baby, just like you held ours.We were a family, Muff.A fucking family.Did it ever mean anything to you?”
“It fuckin’ means everything to me,” he croaks, the shock and hurt in his voice too strong to let the anger through.“You mean everything to me.I wish I could explain to you how fuckin’ hard this all is, but I can’t.I can’t help the shock, or the pain, or the confusion.If I could, I would.”
Shaking my head, I swipe away the tears that are now burning my eyes.“No, you wouldn’t.It shouldn’t have been a choice.She was your wife, and I understand the pain, but I’m your wife now.Me.Not her.You’re going to regret this one day, Muff.You know that, don’t you?One day when I’m with a man who would fucking turn this world upside down for me, you’ll regret it.”
He moves quickly, taking hold of my shoulders and hauling me close, his eyes flashing with rage and jealousy.“Don’t,” he warns, “don’t say that to me.”
“Oh.”I laugh, bitterly.“It’s okay for you to fuck another woman, but the very thought of me moving on makes you crazy.Just imagine, for a single second, how I feel right now.”
His jaw ticks, but he doesn’t let me go.
“Just imagine,” I hiss, leaning in close, “his cock deep inside me every single night as I moan his name.”
“Fuckin’ stop,” he warns.
“His mouth between my legs as my fingers clutch the sheets, panting for more.”
“Enough,” he roars, shaking me a little.
